Venting My dad might die. I don't know what to do.

[k75]

I've been nearing the end of my plans, but tonight I found out my dad has liver cancer. I'm more upset and worried than I ever thought I'd be about him. I didn't realize I cared this much. Especially since my emotions have been pretty numb lately.

If we both die, my family will fall apart. I think it would kill my mom. If my dad outlives me, he might not survive the cancer. He might give up subconsciously. I can't live for other people, but I really don't know what to do. Now I feel trapped.

At the same time, I've been trying to recover. It's like I always have one foot out the door. This news makes me want to ctb even more. I don't want to watch my dad die. I think he might die. My instinct is to escape immediately.

My thoughts are all over the place. I'm so confused.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Oh I'm so sorry. My dad died of liver cancer. I watched him die. May I ask, is it primary or secondary cancer? Huge difference.

 

[faust]

Oh, that is beating your plans with a hammer.
I am sorry, your dad has a cancer right now.
The whole situation is very hard. I hope he gets better, fingers crossed!
May helping your father distract you from CTB thoughts?

 

[k75]

Oh I'm so sorry. My dad died of liver cancer. I watched him die. May I ask, is it primary or secondary cancer? Huge difference.

I'm so sorry.

I believe it's primary. The tumor is blocking a a bile duct. They're putting in a drain tomorrow to take care of that, then he'll have a PET scan. We're still waiting for answers, early in the diagnosis process.

The specialist says it's malignant and there's a chance he won't be eligible for surgery. If he is, it's an uncommon surgery and he wants to refer my dad to a surgeon halfway across the country. But they can't afford that!

This is freaking me out so much. I had an aggressive breast cancer and the whole experience gave me major PTSD, so this is also super triggering. My brain keeps getting fixated on my SN stash. I'm not ready and really don't want to, but I've got strong urges to just say fuck it and start the regimen.

Oh, that is beating your plans with a hammer.
I am sorry, your dad has a cancer right now.
The whole situation is very hard. I hope he gets better, fingers crossed!
May helping your father distract you from CTB thoughts?

Thank you. I'd hope it becomes a distraction, but so far it just pushes me toward all the bad feelings. It's hard, because I live far away from him. I feel helpless. I hate feeling helpless.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Okay, there are some difficult issues there, the cost and the nature of the surgery. The good news (and yeah, I know its not much) is that its primary, not secondary. Surgery does have a chance of sorting it out and your dad making a full recovery. Just have to find a way to finance it. I've no experience with this, but have you thought of a FundMe page?
And this is bound to trigger you. If you are not ready and you don't want to, then I guess you have to accept the trigger and tough it out somehow. I lived far away from my dad when he was dying and from mum too when she passed. I spent all my time on the road and with my parents and nearly lost my job over it at the time. It was exhausting and caused me so much guilt. There's no easy solution to that, but knowing you are doing the best you can. If you are in work, can you explain it to your boss and negotiate some time off/compassionate leave, that worked for me.

 

[k75]

Okay, there are some difficult issues there, the cost and the nature of the surgery. The good news (and yeah, I know its not much) is that its primary, not secondary. Surgery does have a chance of sorting it out and your dad making a full recovery. Just have to find a way to finance it. I've no experience with this, but have you thought of a FundMe page?
And this is bound to trigger you. If you are not ready and you don't want to, then I guess you have to accept the trigger and tough it out somehow. I lived far away from my dad when he was dying and from mum too when she passed. I spent all my time on the road and with my parents and nearly lost my job over it at the time. It was exhausting and caused me so much guilt. There's no easy solution to that, but knowing you are doing the best you can. If you are in work, can you explain it to your boss and negotiate some time off/compassionate leave, that worked for me.

I really appreciate you taking the time to help me try and sort this out. I'm just so sorry to hear about all you went through. I can imagine how awful it was.

It's worrisome, because there's a chance he won't be a candidate for the surgery. Then they can't remove the tumor, and it's in a really bad location. I had something similar happen to me where I had a bile leak and the same procedure he's having today. I'm still suffering side effects years later. Another trigger for me.

My sister and I were talking about a GoFundMe or something similar. I've tried that in the past with no success, but maybe now it would help.

Luckily, I'm on disability and don't have to deal with getting out of work. I want to go visit them, but money is super tight here too. I'm going to have to figure this out. I really wanted to see my family before I ctb anyway but I didn't think I was going to. It was a thing holding me back. It's kind of good timing, because my cat died in December, so I have no reason obligations keeping me from traveling.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm not unfamiliar with such issues having had liver damage in the past. I remember the pain. If he's a candidate or not is out of your hands. Fingers crossed.
You can only try GoFundMe, but I might suggest that just the page won't help, you'd need twitter/facebook campaigns etc. all pointing back to the GoFundMe page. And I'd guess it would take work as well, you don't just put up the page and watch the money rolling in. People have to know it is genuine (pictures etc) and unfortunately have to be hassled for cash.

 

[seafarer]

Not trying to make this post bout me so please don't think that but I know what where you coming from,my dad passed away about 12 weeks ago and the thought of me now leaving my mum has given me much more of a pause button,cuz I think me going would make her do the same.

I would try to help and support as much as you can and hopefully find a little healing of yourself in the process of helping as I have with being for my mum and dealing with all the things she couldn't after he passed. It took my mind to a different place than just inside my own head all the time.

 

[Ghost2211]

im so sorry you and your family are suffering such a hardship. It's sad and scary to watch a parent become very ill or die. I know what you mean by feeling trapped by having to plan (or not plan) your death around everyone else's needs and wellbeing. It May help you with family bonds to help your father through this process. Helping my mom through cancer and death was hard, but it made me grow as a person. Try to hang in the for him, and lean on us for love and support <3

 

[k75]

Not trying to make this post bout me so please don't think that but I know what where you coming from,my dad passed away about 12 weeks ago and the thought of me now leaving my mum has given me much more of a pause button,cuz I think me going would make her do the same.

I would try to help and support as much as you can and hopefully find a little healing of yourself in the process of helping as I have with being for my mum and dealing with all the things she couldn't after he passed. It took my mind to a different place than just inside my own head all the time.

I know it sounds empty, but I'm sorry for your loss. Are you doing ok? Man, it's scary to face the reality that parents aren't forever. I know everyone dies, but they've always been there, and it's easy to think they ways will.

I have that exact fear... I think it might push my mom over the edge and she'll hurt herself. I don't want to be the cause of that. I'm so afraid I won't be strong enough to keep going. Right now my thoughts are just an intrusive mantra telling me to end it right now. I'm ignoring, but...

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I will have to admit, that being there for my dad, and later especially my mum, although it was awful (worse for them), it was a profound privilege to be there and witness. I'm glad I had the opportunity to be there rather than not being, even though it hurt. I made serious mistakes along the way that I've never forgiven myself for. But afterwards, I felt it changed me as a person. Better in some ways, worse in others. Different. It did actually bring myself and my siblings closer together and I found a new enthusiasm for life. Unfortunately, illness took over, but that's another story.
As Seafarer said, that's no attempt to make it about me, rather to offer some understanding and another perspective. And your dad does still have a good chance if things go the right way.

 

[randomz]

I hope your dad gets beter.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and circumstances. You are in a really difficult spot and while I don't know what any good solution or have good concrete advice, all I can say is that ultimately, it is up to you on what you choose may be the best. You should think carefully on how to proceed before making a decision as you mentioned that you aren't really sure on what is the best thing to do and that if you CTB'd your father would go as well, thus causing the family unit to fall apart. Either way, any decision made is not going to be an easy one, so I wish you peace and best of luck in making the best decision to have the most optimal outcome for your situation.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you and your family have to deal with this. I understand what a shock it is to get this news and to have to suspend your plans for your parents' sake. Here are some (((hugs))); I wish I could offer more. x

 

[seafarer]

I know it sounds empty, but I'm sorry for your loss. Are you doing ok? Man, it's scary to face the reality that parents aren't forever. I know everyone dies, but they've always been there, and it's easy to think they ways will.

I have that exact fear... I think it might push my mom over the edge and she'll hurt herself. I don't want to be the cause of that. I'm so afraid I won't be strong enough to keep going. Right now my thoughts are just an intrusive mantra telling me to end it right now. I'm ignoring, but...

I get exactly what you are saying and that's where I am now,I got everything I need ready,but as I have mentioned at other times it all depends on upcoming court case and prison or not.im sort of thinking if I'm going prison I'm not gonna be there for my mum so might as well get it over with..cheery guy aren't I !

 

[k75]

I just need to vent some more. Things really aren't looking good, and multiple parts of my life seem to be crumbling all at once. I'm barely keeping it together, although I'm still trying.

My parents are freaking out, and I've been having to talk them down regularly. I have lots of experience being a patient with chronic health problems, but they do not. My dad is being mistreated, and I'm the only one spotting the problems. But I'm far away and only find out after it happens. It's awful and stressful.

I've found myself withdrawing, even on here. It takes so much energy to function right now. I feel a little better helping people, so I've been trying to distract myself from what I'm really feeling by answering questions and stuff, but I don't seem to have the stamina for much.

When I need her the most, my therapist just informed me she's leaving. So now I have to start over once again with someone new. It's such bad timing. I don't know if I can do it. On top of that, I've accidentally quit my meds again, and now I'm really starting to spiral. I'm caught in that weird place where I know I need them, but I find myself actively resisting. Maybe I should just stay off this time and let the suicidal urges win?

I feel like I'm in crisis, but the implosion hasn't happened yet. On the surface, I'm strangely calm. But I don't think I'm completely rational. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

You seem to be losing the support you need exactly when you need it most. That's going to be tough. If you are going to fight this then you will need to be strong even if you feel alone and that's one of the hardest and most courageous things there is to do.
You can still be of a huge benefit to your parents and direct them from the wings as long as you stay in contact with them. We kind of did the same for my mum when she went into care. I was 200 miles away and dealing with my own problems and it was exhausting. I withdrew from everything to conserve energy; it was like being in backup mode, only coming online to do essential stuff. Work. Drive. Visit Mum. Fight her case. No space for anything else.
Losing the therapist is a kick you don't need as you kind of have to start again. No getting around that. But get back on the medications if that that is what you feel you need. Don't try and talk yourself out of it or you will indeed be stuck in that limbo place; I was there myself last year - I stopped medication, stopped eating, stopped everything. Your instincts will take over again eventually, and you won't thank yourself for the time you spent lingering.
What to do? Mmmm....I eventually just made a list and worked through it from the beginning, ignoring the later things on the list and just focusing on one thing at at time. I'm still working through it and often have to revisit things, but that's just how it goes.

 

[seafarer]

I'm.sorry to hear all this buddy its hard enough to deal with yourself but ten times harder to deal with people you care about. Vent all you need on here and hopefully some one will come up with the right set of words that help you see some light.

 

[k75]

@Underscore, @seafarer and everyone else who reads my posts, thank you for taking the time to listen. It really helps to be able to get this stuff out of my head.

@Underscore, I'm so sorry but thank you for sharing all that. I feel like you do understand my situation, and that makes it less lonely.

I just don't want to let my dad down. I don't want him to be scared or sick, and it scares me to know he is. I guess it's silly, but all my life, I just kind of imagined my parents being super strong and kind of immune to scary things. It's a reality check I don't want.

I don't know if I have the time to trust a new therapist before I fall apart. I don't even know if the new one I'm scheduled with will be any good. I don't deal well with change at all. This is just all bad, and I want to curl up in bed and never wake up.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I feel like you do understand my situation, and that makes it less lonely

That was indeed my intention. What you are going through is one of the hardest things in life to cope with. But as hard as it is for you, I suspect it may be even harder for your dad.
If you can support him through this I believe it may be a painfully bitter sweet thing for both of you.
If you do want to chat my PMs are open.

 

[Jean4]

Know that you always have us to talk to and we understand.

 

[Arisa]

so sorry to hear that. I hope your dad gets better. Hugs!

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm so sorry about your Dad's cancer, and for all the other things you are going through right now. I hope everything gets better for you.