yushuyoo
New Member
- Nov 8, 2024
- 1
hello! im a new member.
sorry for horrible grammar i am a bit lazy w checking it rn. ^^
I've been dealing w suicidal ideation since i was young and it got rly bad when i was 19 ish. I was in recov therapy for my ED at the time (i quit after sometime this even tho i wasny finished w the treatment) but life felt so bleak that i planned out my attempt. Psychiatrist found out tho (I'm a chronic panic talker) and forced me to tell my parents. My dad, old v serious man, cried and just hugged me as he apologised for not noticing. My mom held me as i went thru a panic attack telling her (my mom is old, religious, asian. basically doesn't believe in mental health) and comforted me as we watched winnie the pooh together. life got a little better after that, remained passively suicidal after that up until now.
My dad was diagnosed w stage 4 pancreatic cancer last month and i haven't felt like this in years. My parents mean a lot to me and supported me through all dumb things ive done as a young adult. Losing him will be the end of my life it seems. idk how to cope with it; i emailed my old therapist from my ED treatment, whose email i secretly kept for some years, and she actually responded! however as the focus isn't on my ED she told me she cant officially help but she said that she truly wants to help me find someone to talk to.
Basically my suicidal thoughts have returned and tenfolded it seems but i cant seem to digest the act of doing it as i now know the pain it causes when u (are bout to) lose a loved one. i feel so guilty about having the thoughts since i am thinking of ending it myself while watching my dad fight the sickness that ripping life away FROM him...
Has someone experienced this as well?
thank u for reading!
sorry for horrible grammar i am a bit lazy w checking it rn. ^^
I've been dealing w suicidal ideation since i was young and it got rly bad when i was 19 ish. I was in recov therapy for my ED at the time (i quit after sometime this even tho i wasny finished w the treatment) but life felt so bleak that i planned out my attempt. Psychiatrist found out tho (I'm a chronic panic talker) and forced me to tell my parents. My dad, old v serious man, cried and just hugged me as he apologised for not noticing. My mom held me as i went thru a panic attack telling her (my mom is old, religious, asian. basically doesn't believe in mental health) and comforted me as we watched winnie the pooh together. life got a little better after that, remained passively suicidal after that up until now.
My dad was diagnosed w stage 4 pancreatic cancer last month and i haven't felt like this in years. My parents mean a lot to me and supported me through all dumb things ive done as a young adult. Losing him will be the end of my life it seems. idk how to cope with it; i emailed my old therapist from my ED treatment, whose email i secretly kept for some years, and she actually responded! however as the focus isn't on my ED she told me she cant officially help but she said that she truly wants to help me find someone to talk to.
Basically my suicidal thoughts have returned and tenfolded it seems but i cant seem to digest the act of doing it as i now know the pain it causes when u (are bout to) lose a loved one. i feel so guilty about having the thoughts since i am thinking of ending it myself while watching my dad fight the sickness that ripping life away FROM him...
Has someone experienced this as well?
thank u for reading!
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