Stick
Experienced
- Aug 31, 2020
- 269
I had a conversation with my Dad earlier. We did some small talk about how college and such, and then he asked me some questions about my identity as a lesbian, but I was uncomfortable talking about it. He got really upset at that. Not in a mean way ( I mean he could have been a bit nicer but that's just me being nit picky), but he was angry I wouldn't open up to him. I tried explaining to him that I'm just not comfortable with him like that right now, and he got really upset and asked me what happened to make me like that. He said we used to be really close like I could tell him anything.
That confirmed the problem. I've always loved him, and I know he loves me but for most of my life I had visitation with him once a month and holidays, how well could we have known each other? And yet, he feels like that shallow surface of who I was is the core of my being when I've hidden so much from him all throughout my life. I don't know what to do to fix that, or if I even want to. I always hid who I was because I was afraid he and my family wouldn't like me and that it would cause tension, and I was right all along. He wants me to go back to that façade, because he doesn't see it as a façade. That mask is his daughter, I'm not.
It isn't his fault, I'm the one who hid myself but still. It's bittersweet. I'm glad we had this conversation because it confirmed my suspicions, but it hurts knowing my family will never know the real me. It's also kind of ironic that as I get closer to him, the further he thinks we become because he's starting to realize how distant we really are, I think.
It kind of makes me even more certain on dying soon because I don't want to ruin that mask for them. I don't want to ruin the illusion I spent so long creating.
That confirmed the problem. I've always loved him, and I know he loves me but for most of my life I had visitation with him once a month and holidays, how well could we have known each other? And yet, he feels like that shallow surface of who I was is the core of my being when I've hidden so much from him all throughout my life. I don't know what to do to fix that, or if I even want to. I always hid who I was because I was afraid he and my family wouldn't like me and that it would cause tension, and I was right all along. He wants me to go back to that façade, because he doesn't see it as a façade. That mask is his daughter, I'm not.
It isn't his fault, I'm the one who hid myself but still. It's bittersweet. I'm glad we had this conversation because it confirmed my suspicions, but it hurts knowing my family will never know the real me. It's also kind of ironic that as I get closer to him, the further he thinks we become because he's starting to realize how distant we really are, I think.
It kind of makes me even more certain on dying soon because I don't want to ruin that mask for them. I don't want to ruin the illusion I spent so long creating.