Venting My Dad doesn't know me as well as he thought he did

[Stick]

I had a conversation with my Dad earlier. We did some small talk about how college and such, and then he asked me some questions about my identity as a lesbian, but I was uncomfortable talking about it. He got really upset at that. Not in a mean way ( I mean he could have been a bit nicer but that's just me being nit picky), but he was angry I wouldn't open up to him. I tried explaining to him that I'm just not comfortable with him like that right now, and he got really upset and asked me what happened to make me like that. He said we used to be really close like I could tell him anything.
That confirmed the problem. I've always loved him, and I know he loves me but for most of my life I had visitation with him once a month and holidays, how well could we have known each other? And yet, he feels like that shallow surface of who I was is the core of my being when I've hidden so much from him all throughout my life. I don't know what to do to fix that, or if I even want to. I always hid who I was because I was afraid he and my family wouldn't like me and that it would cause tension, and I was right all along. He wants me to go back to that façade, because he doesn't see it as a façade. That mask is his daughter, I'm not.
It isn't his fault, I'm the one who hid myself but still. It's bittersweet. I'm glad we had this conversation because it confirmed my suspicions, but it hurts knowing my family will never know the real me. It's also kind of ironic that as I get closer to him, the further he thinks we become because he's starting to realize how distant we really are, I think.
It kind of makes me even more certain on dying soon because I don't want to ruin that mask for them. I don't want to ruin the illusion I spent so long creating.

 

[blacktrain98]

It's painful to be let down by family. I have the same regret/ambivalent type of feeling with my own dad, even though the context is a bit different. Ultimately, the real you is worth so much more than that manicured facade. Even in the worst outcome of your family resenting you- I think living for yourself is what you should prioritize. If they genuinely love you, they will catch up. Also, please don't feel bad about not feeling comfortable with your dad in that way. It sounds like both of you want a deeper connection, but you can't fake or speed through that kind of thing. Give it time, and don't force yourself to change just because you want them to be comfortable.

Even if you find that you don't really want to put the work into rebuilding that bond rn, you should at least give the real you the respect she deserves. Ripping off the bandaid and living genuinely is something you have the right to experience, suicide plan or not...

 

[Stick]

It's painful to be let down by family. I have the same regret/ambivalent type of feeling with my own dad, even though the context is a bit different. Ultimately, the real you is worth so much more than that manicured facade. Even in the worst outcome of your family resenting you- I think living for yourself is what you should prioritize. If they genuinely love you, they will catch up. Also, please don't feel bad about not feeling comfortable with your dad in that way. It sounds like both of you want a deeper connection, but you can't fake or speed through that kind of thing. Give it time, and don't force yourself to change just because you want them to be comfortable.

Even if you find that you don't really want to put the work into rebuilding that bond rn, you should at least give the real you the respect she deserves. Ripping off the bandaid and living genuinely is something you have the right to experience, suicide plan or not...

Thank you, I really appreciate all that. Unfortunately, I am overly reserved and I think I would need a therapist to help me untangle my mask I put on, but thank you. I think that for right now, I need to learn to love my real self before I can let the people I love irl love me. I really appreciate you saying this, though; it makes me feel heard.

 

[blacktrain98]

Thank you, I really appreciate all that. Unfortunately...

Of course, take the steps you know you need to take. At the very least: I am glad you have found a voice on this forum, even if it's just for stuff like venting.