Venting My CTB plans are going on hold...

[SomewhatLoved]

I was planning to go to the woods on the night of April 9th or 10th and hang myself. For so long I wanted to either OD or shoot myself, but I've gotten to a point where I think I'm ok with pain and I just don't want to live anymore. I feel like outside of the method itself, this was also a rare instance where the stars aligned. I had about a two week stretch where no one would be depending on me for anything outside of my regular things, and I felt like I would be able to CTB without disrupting anyone else's plans by dying.

This was until today, that I remembered about half-way through the month my mom would be going on vacation. I feel like if I was to CTB a week before she's supposed to go, that would just be so unfair to her. She would most likely have to cancel her plans to stay in the country and be there for my funeral or dealing with laws, getting a death certificate, executing my will (she is my next of kin), etc. So, I will be putting my plan to CTB on hold. Even if she was to go on vacation I know the whole thing would be ruined and she wouldn't be happy.

I was hoping to do all this before the summer, because the closer summer gets the more "engagements" or "expectations" I will have. Outwardly I don't really talk about being suicidal, and I try to make up different aspirations I have related to my career. This makes my family happy and also makes me feel like a little bit less of a let-down. Late April I was planning to get an additional certification in the Neonatal Resuscitation Program (NRP), as lots of positions in my field prefer if you have taken this course. Then in May I was going to apply for a position a little higher up the career chain for my field. I was also planning to take a motorcycle course and get a motorcycle this spring/summer, although sometimes that just feels like a way to distract myself. If I keep living further into April and don't pursue any of these things, I think it might draw suspicion as to why all of a sudden I'm giving up on my "aspirations", so I will probably continue to pursue these things.

I think I might as well try to give life another chance, then. Anyone who has read my other recent posts might know that I feel dissatisfied even if I am successful in my career and outwardly I have a decent life. I've never been able to maintain relationships, whether platonic or romantic. I feel lonely, but at the same time I feel misanthropic a lot of the time and I get annoyed by most people quickly. I also think about how my job requires me to stay physically and mentally fit, and I'm not super motivated regarding that. I'm at a point where I have no enjoyment in weightlifting or endurance training, and I don't really find studying interesting anymore. I'll have to keep doing these things if I want to keep up my facade, but it's going to be difficult.

I'll just have to see how it goes! :P If things don't get better I can surely CTB in the fall. I'm going to continue to look for someone to take care of my cat, because I worry I'm not the best caretaker - even if I stay alive. I spend most of my time laying in bed doing nothing when I should be playing or interacting with him more.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I don't want to keep living. When I realize I should put off CTBing myself for the sake of others and I think about how I will have to continue to cope, it feels so exhausting. I don't want to keep having certain thoughts and having to live with certain things. I look forward to the next chance I get.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

I hope things eventually do get better for you. You're a good person for thinking about your mom's trip.

 

[AreWeWinning]

I was planning to go to the woods on the night of April 9th or 10th and hang myself. For so long I wanted to either OD or shoot myself, but I've gotten to a point where I think I'm ok with pain and I just don't want to live anymore. I feel like outside of the method itself, this was also a rare instance where the stars aligned. I had about a two week stretch where no one would be depending on me for anything outside of my regular things, and I felt like I would be able to CTB without disrupting anyone else's plans by dying.

This was until today, that I remembered about half-way through the month my mom would be going on vacation. I feel like if I was to CTB a week before she's supposed to go, that would just be so unfair to her. She would most likely have to cancel her plans to stay in the country and be there for my funeral or dealing with laws, getting a death certificate, executing my will (she is my next of kin), etc. So, I will be putting my plan to CTB on hold. Even if she was to go on vacation I know the whole thing would be ruined and she wouldn't be happy.

I was hoping to do all this before the summer, because the closer summer gets the more "engagements" or "expectations" I will have. Outwardly I don't really talk about being suicidal, and I try to make up different aspirations I have related to my career. This makes my family happy and also makes me feel like a little bit less of a let-down. Late April I was planning to get an additional certification in the Neonatal Resuscitation Program (NRP), as lots of positions in my field prefer if you have taken this course. Then in May I was going to apply for a position a little higher up the career chain for my field. I was also planning to take a motorcycle course and get a motorcycle this spring/summer, although sometimes that just feels like a way to distract myself. If I keep living further into April and don't pursue any of these things, I think it might draw suspicion as to why all of a sudden I'm giving up on my "aspirations", so I will probably continue to pursue these things.

I think I might as well try to give life another chance, then. Anyone who has read my other recent posts might know that I feel dissatisfied even if I am successful in my career and outwardly I have a decent life. I've never been able to maintain relationships, whether platonic or romantic. I feel lonely, but at the same time I feel misanthropic a lot of the time and I get annoyed by most people quickly. I also think about how my job requires me to stay physically and mentally fit, and I'm not super motivated regarding that. I'm at a point where I have no enjoyment in weightlifting or endurance training, and I don't really find studying interesting anymore. I'll have to keep doing these things if I want to keep up my facade, but it's going to be difficult.

I'll just have to see how it goes! :P If things don't get better I can surely CTB in the fall. I'm going to continue to look for someone to take care of my cat, because I worry I'm not the best caretaker - even if I stay alive. I spend most of my time laying in bed doing nothing when I should be playing or interacting with him more.

I've seen your previous post and this current one. I don't have any good advice, just some thoughts that come to mind.

For me, the key deciding factor was when I lost hope. Up to a certain point, I felt that my life was not what I wanted it to be, but there was always something new, something to try. Hobbies, changing jobs, trying my luck with girls, moving places, moving abroad, trying medication etc. etc. However, there was a point where I felt like no matter what I try, I'll never be happy, I'll never be the person I want to be, and I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. That was the point when I felt I really wanted to do it.

The keyword is 'hope'. And loneliness. Now, hope is a difficult thing, because it's not something concrete, something objective. Some people feel there is hope in situations where others would give up. It's personal. You have to know yourself, your own circumstances, it's only you who can decide for yourself. If I want to be analytical, I would describe it as level of unhappiness or pain combined with the odds or possibility of changing my situation in the future. For me, I'm unhappy enough so that I feel like life is not worth it, and the odds of changing my situation is zero to none. So, the rational decision is to go.

At this point, the question became not whether I should do it, but how. There were no more "if I could try this or that" or "do this or that". I was done. I am done. There are still things that interest me, hobbies I would love to do (both old and new ones), things I would want to learn. I still have some motivation to try different things and make my life better, to try to reach my goals or get what I want in life. But the difference is that I'm fairly sure no matter what I do or try, things won't change in any meaningful way. I wills still be miserable, and I have had enough of that. It's the combination of things. Entrapment is the word, I think. I know that even if I have intermittent successes or small joys, the big picture won't change. This is another way to describe hopelessness, I suppose.

It took me a long time to get to this point. Basically, half my life. And even when I first started to feel like this, and first started to think about CTB'ing seriously, it still took years of deliberation and self reflection before I felt really decided. It's not easy.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I've seen your previous post and this current one. I don't have any good advice, just some thoughts that come to mind.

For me, the key deciding factor was when I lost hope. Up to a certain point, I felt that my life was not what I wanted it to be, but there was always something new, something to try. Hobbies, changing jobs, trying my luck with girls, moving places, moving abroad, trying medication etc. etc. However, there was a point where I felt like no matter what I try, I'll never be happy, I'll never be the person I want to be, and I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. That was the point when I felt I really wanted to do it.

The keyword is 'hope'. And loneliness. Now, hope is a difficult thing, because it's not something concrete, something objective. Some people feel there is hope in situations where others would give up. It's personal. You have to know yourself, your own circumstances, it's only you who can decide for yourself. If I want to be analytical, I would describe it as level of unhappiness or pain combined with the odds or possibility of changing my situation in the future. For me, I'm unhappy enough so that I feel like life is not worth it, and the odds of changing my situation is zero to none. So, the rational decision is to go.

At this point, the question became not whether I should do it, but how. There were no more "if I could try this or that" or "do this or that". I was done. I am done. There are still things that interest me, hobbies I would love to do (both old and new ones), things I would want to learn. I still have some motivation to try different things and make my life better, to try to reach my goals or get what I want in life. But the difference is that I'm fairly sure no matter what I do or try, things won't change in any meaningful way. I wills still be miserable, and I have had enough of that. It's the combination of things. Entrapment is the word, I think. I know that even if I have intermittent successes or small joys, the big picture won't change. This is another way to describe hopelessness, I suppose.

It took me a long time to get to this point. Basically, half my life. And even when I first started to feel like this, and first started to think about CTB'ing seriously, it still took years of deliberation and self reflection before I felt really decided. It's not easy.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I feel like I really relate to you so much, especially the thing about having some things like hobbies and interests, but still just feeling unhappy in the big picture. I agree with that. I think I wasted a lot of my potential, and even if I still have some left I feel pretty unmotivated to try and capitalize on it.

Something I noticed is that when I was planning to CTB, I looked at my hobbies more fondly. I almost missed them in some way or thought I would be missing out on them. Now that my plans are on hold, that fond perspective is gone and suddenly I care about it all a lot less. I think about doing them and it's like I know they won't make me happy. It's funny how I cling on to things like that, even when I know they won't make me happy.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

You can ctb any time you like, or even never. That's the nice thing about ctb - you can take it, postpone it, or completely cancel it. There's no justification needed.

 

[jordan6243]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I feel like I really relate to you so much, especially the thing about having some things like hobbies and interests, but still just feeling unhappy in the big picture. I agree with that. I think I wasted a lot of my potential, and even if I still have some left I feel pretty unmotivated to try and capitalize on it.

Something I noticed is that when I was planning to CTB, I looked at my hobbies more fondly. I almost missed them in some way or thought I would be missing out on them. Now that my plans are on hold, that fond perspective is gone and suddenly I care about it all a lot less. I think about doing them and it's like I know they won't make me happy. It's funny how I cling on to things like that, even when I know they won't make me happy.

I feel the same way, as If I'm in a cycle. Everything starts looking up whenever I start contemplating a date to ctb but when I go past that day it all falls down again. I wonder if it's having some finite amount of time left that makes us start to enjoy the few days we have before we're gone. It's good not feeling alone in that thought. It makes me question my feelings and it becomes hard to know what's real.

I've enjoyed connecting with my new hobbies; 3d printing small things to improve my home, making cute designs on my Cricut, and even writing some. I hope you can find solace as I have. I look forward to seeing how your time is going. Enjoy your time, J.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I feel the same way, as If I'm in a cycle. Everything starts looking up whenever I start contemplating a date to ctb but when I go past that day it all falls down again. I wonder if it's having some finite amount of time left that makes us start to enjoy the few days we have before we're gone. It's good not feeling alone in that thought. It makes me question my feelings and it becomes hard to know what's real.

I've enjoyed connecting with my new hobbies; 3d printing small things to improve my home, making cute designs on my Cricut, and even writing some. I hope you can find solace as I have. I look forward to seeing how your time is going. Enjoy your time, J.

When I was a kid I used to build model cars and I've been thinking about doing that again, but I'm doubtful it would make me happy. I like watching videos of people who are way better at it than me masterfully building and painting models that look exactly like the real cars, but when I think about going to a shop and buying a kit, some model paints, and all the necessary tools, I honestly don't feel excited. I would be compelling myself to do it.

Still, part of me would like to find and build a model kit for the 1967 Shelby GT 500 "Super Snake" custom Ford Mustang. Such a beautiful car, I've loved it since I first saw one at a car show in Sunshine Coast, British Columbia (Canada) when I was probably 9 or 10 years old. I'd love to have a model of it on my dash of my car whenever I'm driving. Maybe I'll get around to building one eventually.