Venting My convenient 'time slot' is coming up

[BaconCheeseburger]

My last post was similar to this. (this is just a jumble of feelings so feel free to disregard it. It's nothing you haven't heard before)

My ideal time of year to CTB would be between February and May, because it's far enough from/before birthdays and any holidays.

I'm in a bad place today. I've been in my new job for over a month and a half and I'm unhappy with it. The management is poor, my main colleague doesn't bother to show up (and gets paid for it) and it gives me constant daily IBS (without going into details, you can imagine how painful it is).

I wake up in the morning and my abdomen aches from the anxiety, and it repeats at several points throughout the day. I never feel like I'm 100% done with any tasks. I can barely finish one before another comes up which I also can't finish, because a third comes up etc etc.

It's leaving me tired and unwilling to want to socialise or go out after work. I still am, but I'm drained. I had to go out with my dad tonight for something that's important to him and all I've wanted to do is cry.

I also have bad pain in my shoulder, no idea what's caused it, but the shooting and stabbing pains are upsetting me as well.

Things just feel really shit. I'd like to CTB next month, but due to my job and exhaustion I don't even feel capable of researching or preparing partial suspension. At 5.30pm I just want to get home, do nothing and go to sleep. I have no idea what to do. Do I force myself to find the time to get ready to kill myself? If I don't I just stay in this cycle of shit feelings.

I don't know what to do. If I go back to the GP I'll be put back on medication, and I don't know if I want that because I just want to be dead. Life is such an inconvenience that I'd rather not even get into. I'm not here because I want to be.

My head hurts and I want everything to stop.

 

[Retched]

I can relate to this so much. Especially coming home and being able to do nothing. I want the world to stop and let me off. Sounds like you do too.

 

[ReadyasEver]

Man, I feel for you. All that anxiety and stress you go through takes a terrible toll on you physically. If you feel this is the course you need to go, have researched out the details? It's a tough thing to do but necessary if you are serious. Plan it out, write out everything you need to do before hand. For a lot of people, this gives them some peace of mind until that time comes. Peace to you.

 

[21Neberg]

I can't imagine the pain you're going through everyday. However, you should start planning if you're serious about using this time slot. February-May is a long time though, so don't rush it, since you've got plenty of time.

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

My ideal time of year to CTB would be between February and May, because it's far enough from/before birthdays and any holidays.

between may and february close people of yours celebrate birthday everyday?

 

[mattwitt]

If I could relate to 1 person the most on this site as far as having the same thoughts, feelings, reasons for and when to ctb it would be you BC !

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

between may and february close people of yours celebrate birthday everyday?

No, birthdays in my family are mostly summer and winter ones. Between February and May noone has anything of major significance on, so they wouldn't associate any birthdays/anniversaries with my passing

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi @BaconCheeseburger to be honest it sounds like your new job is making you really really unwell and I'm sorry to hear that. Especially when one often starts a new job with optimism and hope. You need @Misanthrope here for advice as they just totally get it when people are experiencing the sort of physical symptoms you are describing as they seem like pure stress. No wonder you don't even feel like you have the energy to organise to ctb, you seem like you are living the sort of thing I used to when I had a job from hell. Just hold on til someone from here who is good with practical advice shows. Be kind to yourself, please xx

 

[Misanthrope]

Hello Bacon, I am feeling as sick as a dog that ate chocolate right now, but I will aim to respond practically when I can. So bear with me.

 

[Misanthrope]

The site has been down a while. Will have a response for you very soon, not feeling so sick today.

 

[Misanthrope]

This is generalised advice I am operating on limited information.

I can't comment on your desire to CBT that is a personal choice. I will comment though on how being in a chronic state of stress and anxiety is a hard state to be in. The society dance to keep the heating on is a painful one if you are already struggling with yourself. Made all the harder when your work environment is another fight you don't need. From what you have alluded to it seems your environment is a toxic one. Are you basically picking up the workload from the person that does not show up? Is that why the tasks are so relentless? If you are doing the work of another person that is not showing up that is entirely unacceptable.

When you are anxious what are you thinking about at the time? Do you get panic attacks? Ever employed stress-reducing techniques? Is your sleep awful as well?

The aches you are feeling are likely due to stress. Cortisol is like poison and work-related stresses don't behave like facing a tiger. So you never really get to rest properly unless you force it. So all that tension stays in your muscles. I will comment on that further when I know more.

You only have a few limited choices really. Working in a place that is toxic will just be damaging over the long term. You either have to make the place more manageable. Even if it means rocking the boat and pointing out how your colleague is abdicating their responsibilities. You will have to gauge whether it is worth doing, as it may invite animosity from your colleague. But at the same time, you have a right to not be taken advantage of.

The other road is to continue job seeking while already employed. So many hours of our lives are eaten up by our work environment. If it is a toxic one, that is a lot of hours exposed to sickness. So is it any wonder you feel sick and ill?

It is certainly an anxiety-provoking thing to roll the dice on new jobs but pursuing a work environment that does not feel like being poisoned is worth trying to find if you can. Especially if things where you are, are not fixable. If you should go this route and feel there may be some scrutiny on you, you could say your father is unwell without going into details and leave it at that. Then use that as an excuse to answer phone calls or make time to do the job interview dance. It is a hassle but being poisoned long term is going to cause you to completely burn out and crash eventually. You already sound very close to that.

There is another option which is to be signed off sick. But I really would not recommend it. Unless you can gain robust evidence as to being mentally unwell. Sadly the government we have is viciously cruel and will treat you like a useless eater. If you can still maintain work despite how hard it is I would continue to do so and seek to improve your work environment as well as improve your own anxiety issues which are their own variety of full time working. Try and be kinder to yourself because you are essentially working three jobs right now. 1. Absent Colleague. 2. Your standard employment. 3. Anxiety & depression that robs you of all the energy you need. No wonder you need to cry and there is nothing wrong with that at all. I am glad you have this site to vent your feelings to. I await your follow up response.


Take care.

 

[SeekingSolace]

My last post was similar to this. (this is just a jumble of feelings so feel free to disregard it. It's nothing you haven't heard before)

My ideal time of year to CTB would be between February and May, because it's far enough from/before birthdays and any holidays.

I'm in a bad place today. I've been in my new job for over a month and a half and I'm unhappy with it. The management is poor, my main colleague doesn't bother to show up (and gets paid for it) and it gives me constant daily IBS (without going into details, you can imagine how painful it is).

I wake up in the morning and my abdomen aches from the anxiety, and it repeats at several points throughout the day. I never feel like I'm 100% done with any tasks. I can barely finish one before another comes up which I also can't finish, because a third comes up etc etc.

It's leaving me tired and unwilling to want to socialise or go out after work. I still am, but I'm drained. I had to go out with my dad tonight for something that's important to him and all I've wanted to do is cry.

I also have bad pain in my shoulder, no idea what's caused it, but the shooting and stabbing pains are upsetting me as well.

Things just feel really shit. I'd like to CTB next month, but due to my job and exhaustion I don't even feel capable of researching or preparing partial suspension. At 5.30pm I just want to get home, do nothing and go to sleep. I have no idea what to do. Do I force myself to find the time to get ready to kill myself? If I don't I just stay in this cycle of shit feelings.

I don't know what to do. If I go back to the GP I'll be put back on medication, and I don't know if I want that because I just want to be dead. Life is such an inconvenience that I'd rather not even get into. I'm not here because I want to be.

My head hurts and I want everything to stop.

I understand entirely. My stress level has been really high these last couple of weeks and due to my anxiety I've had multiple seizures and my IBS has been awful as well. I hope you are able to find some comfort...lurking on these boards helps me feel less alone. If you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me.

 

[HanginAround]

This time of the year is my perfect CTB window too. Most suicides actually do occur in Spring. I'm ready; I have a date planned in February and that date should work our with some other things I have going on that have to hapoen first. I unsuccessfully looked for a partner, but, in the end, death is something everyone will face alone.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

This is generalised advice I am operating on limited information.

...Are you basically picking up the workload from the person that does not show up? Is that why the tasks are so relentless? If you are doing the work of another person that is not showing up that is entirely unacceptable...

...When you are anxious what are you thinking about at the time? Do you get panic attacks? Ever employed stress-reducing techniques? Is your sleep awful as well?...

...The other road is to continue job seeking while already employed. So many hours of our lives are eaten up by our work environment. If it is a toxic one, that is a lot of hours exposed to sickness. So is it any wonder you feel sick and ill?...

I am, he's been on paid holiday for 2 weeks (coming back Monday) so I've been responsible for a lot more stuff than I should be. Whilst he's been away the managers have come up with a divisive schedule for both of us to split the workload, which should make things more manageable... but if he doesn't turn up then it still all falls back on me. Part of me is wondering if he'll even bother coming back in on Monday and that uncertainty makes me nauseous.

When I'm at home I end up wondering if I got everything done that day at work, if I didn't then I worry about how to resolve it. The other day I didn't send an email to someone about something that was due the day I got back in, so I felt uneasy until I got back in and sent the email firs thing at 9am. I'm bascially bringing my worries and stress outside of the workplace with me. I don't mean to go into TMI at all but I'm finding romantic and intimate encounters a bit difficult as well because I can't just enjoy being with the other person, there's always a distraction based on what's been bothering me throughout the day. I can't just enjoy being with the people around me.

I don't get panic attacks, just anxiety induced stomach pains and general anxiety symptoms. I don't think I've had many panic attacks, I don't get to that level of hysteria in my head. I do struggle to fall asleep, and the second I wake up I'm hit by abdominal pain so the prospect of going to sleep isn't as peaceful as it should be. I really do need to find some stress-reducing techniques, I just don't know what to start with.

I am also beginning to job hunt. I have a 'chat' with our competitors down the road on Wednesday about whether I might fit any vacancies they have coming up later in the year, and I'm looking online for stuff. The only problem there is obviously there won't be new jobs posted every day, so I'm scrolling through the same ones over and over, and also I feel like I've lost a lot of self-confidence, so if I go into an interview I don't know how I'm supposed to convince someone I'd be great for their company when I think so little of myself.

I really appreciate everyone's replies here - as soon as I posted on this thread the site went down, so I got pissed off and forgot about it, but @Misanthrope reminded me which was super helpful.

I think I'm gonna go to bed in a second, it's 9.30pm here and I don't feel like dealing with the rest of the evening x