Sakura.
Chciałbym, żeby wszystko się już skończyło.
- May 1, 2024
- 60
I have no friends. I never had any, and I never will.
I was always extremely bullied, rejected, not accepted.
I had no friends even in my earliest childhood. I had none in primary school, I had none in secondary school, and now I have none at university. Especially I will not have any in the future either, when I finish my studies and with them - my youth...
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Today I will tell you about my early childhood - up to the age of 12.
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I was always extremely bullied, rejected, not accepted.
I had no friends even in my earliest childhood. I had none in primary school, I had none in secondary school, and now I have none at university. Especially I will not have any in the future either, when I finish my studies and with them - my youth...
***
Today I will tell you about my early childhood - up to the age of 12.
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Even in my earliest childhood - the only period in which others might not have been cruel to me and I might have been treated normally by others and not met with rejection - I never even had a chance to make any friends...
I lived in a very small village, where very few people lived and where there were no children my age. I didn't have anyone to make friends with... The child closest to me in age was 3 years older than me, and the second closest - 6 years younger... I failed to make friends with any of them, despite some attempts.
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There were many children my age in the neighbouring villages, but I never managed to make friends with them. There was no space where I could do so. My parents didn't care whether I had any friends and didn't even think of trying to arrange for me to meet other children.
My mother, who moved here to live with my father, didn't have any friends here herself. I know that other children made friends precisely because their mothers were friends with each other and naturally introduced their children to each other. I didn't have that opportunity...
Even if I had managed to get to know someone, the distance between my village and the others would make it very difficult to make friends with others. For the children from these villages, it was natural for them to leave their homes and walk a few steps to their friends, but for me getting to those children would always be an organisational challenge and my parents would have to take me there and pick me up, which I couldn't necessarily count on.
I lived in a very small village, where very few people lived and where there were no children my age. I didn't have anyone to make friends with... The child closest to me in age was 3 years older than me, and the second closest - 6 years younger... I failed to make friends with any of them, despite some attempts.
***
There were many children my age in the neighbouring villages, but I never managed to make friends with them. There was no space where I could do so. My parents didn't care whether I had any friends and didn't even think of trying to arrange for me to meet other children.
My mother, who moved here to live with my father, didn't have any friends here herself. I know that other children made friends precisely because their mothers were friends with each other and naturally introduced their children to each other. I didn't have that opportunity...
Even if I had managed to get to know someone, the distance between my village and the others would make it very difficult to make friends with others. For the children from these villages, it was natural for them to leave their homes and walk a few steps to their friends, but for me getting to those children would always be an organisational challenge and my parents would have to take me there and pick me up, which I couldn't necessarily count on.
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It's unbelievable, but I was bullied by others even at the age of 5...
At that time, my mother enrolled me in a kind of kindergarten. However, it was more like a nursery for older children, not a kindergarten. There was no teaching, no classes, no organization and no discipline, and all the children just did whatever they wanted. That's why they were horrible to each other, the atmosphere there was extremely toxic and I felt terrible there. I had no contact with anyone there and hid from everyone in the corner. I was also bullied by several 5-year-old boys...
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After a few months in the aforementioned kindergarten, I was transferred to another school in a neighboring village, which fortunately was a normal kindergarten - with classes and a normal atmosphere. I was treated normally by others there and I felt good there. Finally, I also had the opportunity to meet some peers.
I continued my entire primary education in this school.
Unfortunately, I could only keep in touch with my classmates at school. They all lived in this one village and met each other every day. I, on the other hand, could not meet them outside of school due to the distance between our villages.
At that time, my mother enrolled me in a kind of kindergarten. However, it was more like a nursery for older children, not a kindergarten. There was no teaching, no classes, no organization and no discipline, and all the children just did whatever they wanted. That's why they were horrible to each other, the atmosphere there was extremely toxic and I felt terrible there. I had no contact with anyone there and hid from everyone in the corner. I was also bullied by several 5-year-old boys...
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After a few months in the aforementioned kindergarten, I was transferred to another school in a neighboring village, which fortunately was a normal kindergarten - with classes and a normal atmosphere. I was treated normally by others there and I felt good there. Finally, I also had the opportunity to meet some peers.
I continued my entire primary education in this school.
Unfortunately, I could only keep in touch with my classmates at school. They all lived in this one village and met each other every day. I, on the other hand, could not meet them outside of school due to the distance between our villages.
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At the very beginning of primary school (from the age of 8), my peers' attitude towards me began to deteriorate. I was not treated equally by them (worse than they treated each other). They cared less and less about me and were increasingly unfair to me.
The rejection of me and lack of acceptance towards me grew - especially from the age of 10. They did not like me and did not particularly want to spend their free time between classes with me. They could not stand me more and more - even though there was nothing that I did to deserve it. I was the only person that everyone addressed by surname, not first name.
They made fun of me and despised me. Any reason was good to be mean to me.
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The attitude of my peers towards me had deeper foundations than the standard reasons for children to make fun of someone (such as my high grades or my parents' lower wealth).
It turned into something much more serious...
The rejection of me and lack of acceptance towards me grew - especially from the age of 10. They did not like me and did not particularly want to spend their free time between classes with me. They could not stand me more and more - even though there was nothing that I did to deserve it. I was the only person that everyone addressed by surname, not first name.
They made fun of me and despised me. Any reason was good to be mean to me.
***
The attitude of my peers towards me had deeper foundations than the standard reasons for children to make fun of someone (such as my high grades or my parents' lower wealth).
It turned into something much more serious...
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From the age of 11, I began to be extremely bullied by others.
I can't express it in words.
I don't know if I should even try. Whatever I write, I won't be able to convey what I felt then...
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Constant verbal aggression. Constant yelling at me and shouting at me the most horrible and painful words possible.
Physical aggression. Beating me or ridiculing me by, for example, putting a trash can on my head.
Constant feeling of danger. Constant feeling that something is about to happen, that someone is about to do something to me.
The monster in my class who initiated everything and who led it.
The classmates who joined him.
All the others who were supposedly my friends before, but didn't react or defend me. Who were indifferent to my suffering. Who themselves sometimes joined in tormenting me.
Complete rejection of me by everyone.
Hell during school. Hell that began immediately after school ended, when I could only wait for the next day of bullying.
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All of this destroyed my life. All of this made me severely depressed and suicidal in my earliest childhood. After that, everything in my life was just wrong...
I can't express it in words.
I don't know if I should even try. Whatever I write, I won't be able to convey what I felt then...
***
Constant verbal aggression. Constant yelling at me and shouting at me the most horrible and painful words possible.
Physical aggression. Beating me or ridiculing me by, for example, putting a trash can on my head.
Constant feeling of danger. Constant feeling that something is about to happen, that someone is about to do something to me.
The monster in my class who initiated everything and who led it.
The classmates who joined him.
All the others who were supposedly my friends before, but didn't react or defend me. Who were indifferent to my suffering. Who themselves sometimes joined in tormenting me.
Complete rejection of me by everyone.
Hell during school. Hell that began immediately after school ended, when I could only wait for the next day of bullying.
***
All of this destroyed my life. All of this made me severely depressed and suicidal in my earliest childhood. After that, everything in my life was just wrong...
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