Story My brother killed himself

[catsarecool]

I know it's a bit weird to put this in the recovery section but right now I honestly can't even look at the other section. Feels too raw and personal.

I watched my brother die this week. I held his hand as I watched his body give up and die. There was no hope for recovery by the time he was found and when we got to the hospital all we could do was to be there for him until his heart gave out.

It is absolutely crushing. I thought I had known what pain feels like beforehand but this decimates who you are as a person. I feel like my whole being has been pushed through a meat grinder.

It especially hurts learning how similar we were after he is gone. It destroys me that I understand and relate to the pain he was in and I understand his decision. I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry. Sometimes I am extremely angry at him. But even more I'm mad at myself for never being able to change things. I would do anything to make him happy. It destroys me knowing that he will never feel the happiness he deserved and the love that we all feel for him right now. His last moments as far as I know seem to have been very impulsive and desperate. It kills me.

I miss him so much. I wish I could take this experience and become stronger from it but honestly I'm more suicidal than ever. The only thing right now that's keeping me somewhat sane is the fact that if I do it I'll be putting my family through this hell twice.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's sad that he felt that kind of pain. I hope that you'll find the strength to go on. You did your best.

 

[Tired_Tired]

I will say he is lucky if he died because of illness or accident not by CTB. Everyone will die one day just who first. Someone on this forum wants euthanasia because of illness. Anyway life and death have the fate.

 

[Frauw]

Quite the polarization between you and your brother, people talk about becoming stronger because of traumatic experiences but it's not really true. You just become better at coping

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you're suffering. Being suicidal gives a very unique perspective when we see loved ones suicide. Even though you can understand his perspective the pain and loss are still very real. Give yourself time and space to heal, and try to take extra good care of yourself.

 

[Mentalmick]

I watched my mum die. It's the strangest feeling watching the life go out of someone. There's a kind of serenity comes over their face (at least in my mum's case). Mind you, I'm not sure if other people are meant to see this as it doesn't half mess you up inside. It's far easier to die than to watch someone you love die.

 

[Donk]

My condolences to you and yours. I can't imagine what it's like to see someone take their last breath Especially someone who you love. I wish you all the best.

 

[Deleted member 23885]

That must be really hard to deal with. I wish you all the best in the future.

 

[Deleted member 24645]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Sending hugs xx

 

[sadworld]

I'm so sorry for your loss... It's really hard but I hope you are able to move on...

 

[ClairyFairy]

Honey, I hope you're ok. Cannot imagine all the thoughts you're having <3 stay safe x