Realizing every action with those men was out of my own weakness. Why was I so weak? I WENT and looked for those men out of desperation, loneliness, low self esteem, and bully trauma knowing it wouldn't go well because of my looks. Why did I do that I ask? Because I was weak lonely and desperate. I truly hate myself that I have to CTB and they get to live a fulfilled life
I promise you're not weak. And you never deserved any of the abuse you endured.
I'm coming out of an abusive marriage. I can't tell you how much happier I am for it. I'm not trying to derail your thread by telling you this, but because I think the circumstance might resonate with you.
I spent my whole life having one shitty parent project their self-hatred onto me from a young age. They were my first bully. All the internalized misogyny, toxic religious values. It taught me to hate myself, to see myself as not good enough. I was never bad looking or obese, but this parent made me believe that because I had hips and tits that I was a fucking whale. At my thinnest, when doctors actually wanted me to gain weight, I only ever saw myself as fat. I was incredibly insecure and had no self-esteem.
When someone came along who showed interest in me, I was amazed because I thought no one could ever like someone as disgusting as I was constantly told I was. I tried finding the love I never received from this shitty parent, through a relationship.
The problem is that this person was abusive too. They told horrible lies, sexually abused me and are quite narcissistic. But I kept thinking, how else could anyone ever love me?
I wonder if maybe you have gone through something similar, where you've been trying to replace the love you didn't receive through men who took advantage of you.
Once I spent more time in safe spaces where women could openly discuss abuse they faced, I realized that my abuser would never change. And that there are so many better men out there who don't engage in abusive bullshit. Removing toxic influences and people from my life made it easier for me to genuinely love myself. If you're able to do this, I highly recommend it. I know it's not something that everyone has the means to do, but it can be really helpful. Now personally I still plan to ctb, but I have physical illnesses as well.
You didn't deserve what happened to you, and you are not weak. You went through a difficult time, but it does not mean you are weak.
I'm coming out of an abusive marriage. I can't tell you how much happier I am for it. I'm not trying to derail your thread by telling you this, but because I think the circumstance might resonate with you.
I spent my whole life having one shitty parent project their self-hatred onto me from a young age. They were my first bully. All the internalized misogyny, toxic religious values. It taught me to hate myself, to see myself as not good enough. I was never bad looking or obese, but this parent made me believe that because I had hips and tits that I was a fucking whale. At my thinnest, when doctors actually wanted me to gain weight, I only ever saw myself as fat. I was incredibly insecure and had no self-esteem.
When someone came along who showed interest in me, I was amazed because I thought no one could ever like someone as disgusting as I was constantly told I was. I tried finding the love I never received from this shitty parent, through a relationship.
The problem is that this person was abusive too. They told horrible lies, sexually abused me and are quite narcissistic. But I kept thinking, how else could anyone ever love me?
I wonder if maybe you have gone through something similar, where you've been trying to replace the love you didn't receive through men who took advantage of you.
Once I spent more time in safe spaces where women could openly discuss abuse they faced, I realized that my abuser would never change. And that there are so many better men out there who don't engage in abusive bullshit. Removing toxic influences and people from my life made it easier for me to genuinely love myself. If you're able to do this, I highly recommend it. I know it's not something that everyone has the means to do, but it can be really helpful. Now personally I still plan to ctb, but I have physical illnesses as well.
You didn't deserve what happened to you, and you are not weak. You went through a difficult time, but it does not mean you are weak.
Yes it was most likely to make up for the love I didn't receive from my parents being neglectful and being bullied they seen me being abused/bullied yet they did nothing it made no sense so they deserve my CTB. I wish I did it sooner it would have prevented my interactions with those horrible men.
It was the pain of neglect, skin condition and bullying, loneliness from being ostracized that caused me to seek people online to interact with then meeting that cruel abuser leading me to hyper sexuality then a one night stand where I was assaulted because of my alcoholism and feeling lonely
It was a bad pattern I guess I never broke from being a teen. I think if I wasn't groomed online by older men while a teen I wouldn't have met that south Asian man and later taken advantage of again when I was drunk and weak minded
Pretty much wasn't nurtured correctly at home by my parents it's like they didn't care
I'm so sorry you were assaulted and abused. It's disgusting that there are men that do this. I'm South Asian as well and know that the culture can be really toxic and misogynistic, and it definitely protects abusive people. A lot of gaslighting too. I hate that.
Since your parents aren't the type to care, are you able to minimize contact with them? It might help get you in a better place about how you feel about yourself.
No I'm trapped with them as I couldn't move up the social ladder from bullying for my skin condition so I didn't make it in university I been trapped home for 6 years further depleting my self esteem so i have to CTB soon
I think if we were in matriarchal societies woman wouldn't get abused as much nor would CTB happen
These societies are oppressive and toxic
People can be so horrible. If you can't minimize contact with them, can you spend less time around them while you're at home? Finding friends online who are part of safe space-type communities has been really helpful for me, perhaps it could help you too.
I been talking to people online for years so yes I tried. I'm glad you found them helpful and found an outlet.
I'm sorry it hasn't helped you that much. But I hope that whatever you choose, that you know you aren't weak. You are not to blame for how abusive people behaved towards you. It doesn't matter if you felt lonely or desperate in those times, you didn't ask for it in any way.
Okay thank you hun. Yes I know been mistreated over and over again I had enough
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