Angst Filled Fuck Up
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2018
- 2,938
When I was younger I used to worry about things like my studies and what I would do with myself later in life. I can only wish I had such mundane problems now. For years, my brain just simply hasn't worked. My thought process is fractured, blurred and chaotic. Anything that requires any type of multi-step process is stressful and difficult. I can barely absorb information. I struggle to retain focus and concentration. Things that happened earlier in the day feel like a week ago. Anything that happened before yesterday may as well have been 6 months ago because it's on the very periphery of my recall.
I feel utterly demented. I bumble around all day in a world of confusion and short-term thinking because I can't plan or get anything done. I can't really study or read anything lengthy, this post included. If I don't focus completely on what is being said to me, it'll just vaporize in my mind. Keeping track of the plot of a movie feels like running a marathon. It's so very difficult for me just to function.
Nothing helps. Medication, vitamins, exercise, I've tried it all. Nobody truly knows what this is, either. Brain fog? That's what it feels like. But I don't understand how it can be so bad. My family doesn't understand and I can't communicate the severity of it to them for some reason. They just see the same old me and think everything's okay. The doctors don't know what to do because all my tests and scans are clear.
I can't work like this or look after myself. Even "enjoying myself" is difficult because like I said, even mindless leisure activities are tricky. There is no hope for me, no coming back from this. Once this took hold of me several years ago, I knew that ctb was to be my final outcome. Whether next week or 10 years from now, it is going to be the only way out.
I feel utterly demented. I bumble around all day in a world of confusion and short-term thinking because I can't plan or get anything done. I can't really study or read anything lengthy, this post included. If I don't focus completely on what is being said to me, it'll just vaporize in my mind. Keeping track of the plot of a movie feels like running a marathon. It's so very difficult for me just to function.
Nothing helps. Medication, vitamins, exercise, I've tried it all. Nobody truly knows what this is, either. Brain fog? That's what it feels like. But I don't understand how it can be so bad. My family doesn't understand and I can't communicate the severity of it to them for some reason. They just see the same old me and think everything's okay. The doctors don't know what to do because all my tests and scans are clear.
I can't work like this or look after myself. Even "enjoying myself" is difficult because like I said, even mindless leisure activities are tricky. There is no hope for me, no coming back from this. Once this took hold of me several years ago, I knew that ctb was to be my final outcome. Whether next week or 10 years from now, it is going to be the only way out.