That's so fucked up. Please leave him :( I used to have a boyfriend who said shit like that, and he would always turn my self harm into a really fucked up sexual thing when I was truly struggling. Said he would take my suicide note as a "creative writing project" because "he knew I would never do it". Tried forcing me to take all my antidepressants on video call, and then berated me once SI kicked in and I spat them out. People like that are not good for you at all and will drag you down to your level, and you'll keep going back because you love them. And when you're in a situation like this it's so hard to extend any of that love to yourself. But please, please try and carry out this one act of self care. People like this aren't worth it at all. Do whatever you want on your own terms, but not under the influence of any asshole like this. Wish you the best