reallysleepy
She/her
- Oct 25, 2023
- 112
I started a new job this week after 2 years of not working due to being depressed. I really liked the job, it's just customer service at a store, it's clothing mostly queer ppl buy. It's basic but I really enjoy it, my coworker is really sweet (on the second day she bought me some cookies and on the third she bought breakfast for the both of us) and we get along really well (we talk a lot and we have been hanging after office). The job it's easy and I feel like it's occupational therapy. My boss is nice and he has BPD as me so I feel comfortable with him and enjoy his presence. Also I'm trans and most of the ppl that go to the store are also trans and 99% of the ppl that go are queer, so I feel comfortable. My boss also told me he is really happy with me, I honestly have been a really good worker.
This all means that I've been feeling good, looking forward to go to work (when before I have always hated it and it's one of the reasons for my suicidal ideation). I feel like I'm being paid to hang with people I like while I do some basic activies.
At the interview my boss told me that this was a stable job and today at 11:59 pm (after I asked him, at 7 pm, my schedule for tomorrow) he answered me that maybe I didn't understand and that they only need me for special events. This is bullshit, he hired me before the event that was this week. I guess he didn't do the math right and he can't have 2 workers.
I'm really bummed out, it's like now I know there is a job where I could have been happy but now I have to find a regular job where I will be miserable again. I also have to find a job which it's not easy rn where I'm living, specially being trans. My bpd is playing with my head and I just want to stay in bed forever. I'm also mad at this money making white cis man playing with my crazy ass mind, gaslighting me and shit.
Idk, I always end up having this cycle where I start feeling better because something good happens and then it disappear and I feel like shit and go into a bpd spiral of all the things I hate about the world and the things I hate about me and I'm just sad and mad asking myself why haven't I killed myself.
I also already spent the money of my first (and maybe last?) payment. Went out with my friends which are broke and I just bought a lot of alcohol for all of us and we took an Uber, I also paid my mom some money that I owed her. I'm mad because I could have used the money to buy the stuff to CTB (I don't want to disclosure the method but I already know where to buy it but need like $100), so know I have to make money for that again
. I honestly don't want to CTB rn but I want to have the means ready for when I decide to do it, which it's probably going to be next year.
Idk, thank you for the space
This all means that I've been feeling good, looking forward to go to work (when before I have always hated it and it's one of the reasons for my suicidal ideation). I feel like I'm being paid to hang with people I like while I do some basic activies.
At the interview my boss told me that this was a stable job and today at 11:59 pm (after I asked him, at 7 pm, my schedule for tomorrow) he answered me that maybe I didn't understand and that they only need me for special events. This is bullshit, he hired me before the event that was this week. I guess he didn't do the math right and he can't have 2 workers.
I'm really bummed out, it's like now I know there is a job where I could have been happy but now I have to find a regular job where I will be miserable again. I also have to find a job which it's not easy rn where I'm living, specially being trans. My bpd is playing with my head and I just want to stay in bed forever. I'm also mad at this money making white cis man playing with my crazy ass mind, gaslighting me and shit.
Idk, I always end up having this cycle where I start feeling better because something good happens and then it disappear and I feel like shit and go into a bpd spiral of all the things I hate about the world and the things I hate about me and I'm just sad and mad asking myself why haven't I killed myself.
I also already spent the money of my first (and maybe last?) payment. Went out with my friends which are broke and I just bought a lot of alcohol for all of us and we took an Uber, I also paid my mom some money that I owed her. I'm mad because I could have used the money to buy the stuff to CTB (I don't want to disclosure the method but I already know where to buy it but need like $100), so know I have to make money for that again
. I honestly don't want to CTB rn but I want to have the means ready for when I decide to do it, which it's probably going to be next year.Idk, thank you for the space
