Well my birthday is tomorrow (I'm going to keep my age ambiguous here, just because I desire some anonymity, and don't desire to share my age, maybe some other time I'll reveal it) and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I hate thinking about it. I'm gonna have to put a fake smile on and act happy because I'm 1 year closer to death. I'm just gonna be remembering everything I fucked up in my time on this planet.
My ex and my mom are the only ones who wished me a happy birthday early. I imagine most people who wish me a happy birthday just notice it over Facebook or something. I don't blame them, I'm not much to be dwelled on anyways.
Speaking of my ex, that's one of many things I screwed up and last year, we were together and my birthday was amazing, it was one of the best birthdays in years because I had someone to celebrate it with. I know I should be happy I even have family to wish me a happy birthday, and I am, I just hate the idea of my birthday being tomorrow. I didn't even plan on making it to this birthday. I fully planned on ending my life but I failed an attempt at partial so i just decided to push through because I really hurt my throat attempting partial so much. The worst time left my throat burning all night.
My ex has been quite frankly pretty good recently, she could be mean and cruel to me but she isn't. She's a nice woman but I don't want to hurt her by hurting myself honestly. I just hate this stuff going on rn, there's so much on my mind, and I can't get it out of my head that my awful life is progressing further.
My mom has been amazing too, a previous addict, who became sober years ago. I also fear if I ended it, she would fall back into old habits or possibly even kill herself. She has a history of self harm, I don't know if any attempts. She's a Christian now, so she views suicide as a sin (doesn't judge people who does it though, she kinda just parrots what she hears at church). I would hurt her more than probably anyone else if I ended my own life.
I also do want to say everyone here has been amazing as well, SS has given me a place to vent about life's struggles, and people to talk with who won't judge me. I'm sure there's been many posts here about people dreading their birthday or something like it. I saw a few Valentine's Day posts and sympathized as I felt the same way being single. I feel like last year was the best year that I could've had, even though I had struggles like a broken nose, surgery for said nose, different parasites, all that stuff, and I still enjoyed last year a ton, and I think it was because I had my (now ex) girlfriend by my side. She kept me sane through it all, she supported my every decision. She loved me when I was unlovable. I tried so hard to be good to her but towards the end, my mental health was so bad, I kept pushing her away, she didn't know why but I wanted to end my life and I wanted to push her away but now I'm too pussy to kill myself and I don't have her now. This life sucks and it's fucking cruel, that's all I really got to say. I hope today and tomorrow treats/treated everyone well.
My ex and my mom are the only ones who wished me a happy birthday early. I imagine most people who wish me a happy birthday just notice it over Facebook or something. I don't blame them, I'm not much to be dwelled on anyways.
Speaking of my ex, that's one of many things I screwed up and last year, we were together and my birthday was amazing, it was one of the best birthdays in years because I had someone to celebrate it with. I know I should be happy I even have family to wish me a happy birthday, and I am, I just hate the idea of my birthday being tomorrow. I didn't even plan on making it to this birthday. I fully planned on ending my life but I failed an attempt at partial so i just decided to push through because I really hurt my throat attempting partial so much. The worst time left my throat burning all night.
My ex has been quite frankly pretty good recently, she could be mean and cruel to me but she isn't. She's a nice woman but I don't want to hurt her by hurting myself honestly. I just hate this stuff going on rn, there's so much on my mind, and I can't get it out of my head that my awful life is progressing further.
My mom has been amazing too, a previous addict, who became sober years ago. I also fear if I ended it, she would fall back into old habits or possibly even kill herself. She has a history of self harm, I don't know if any attempts. She's a Christian now, so she views suicide as a sin (doesn't judge people who does it though, she kinda just parrots what she hears at church). I would hurt her more than probably anyone else if I ended my own life.
I also do want to say everyone here has been amazing as well, SS has given me a place to vent about life's struggles, and people to talk with who won't judge me. I'm sure there's been many posts here about people dreading their birthday or something like it. I saw a few Valentine's Day posts and sympathized as I felt the same way being single. I feel like last year was the best year that I could've had, even though I had struggles like a broken nose, surgery for said nose, different parasites, all that stuff, and I still enjoyed last year a ton, and I think it was because I had my (now ex) girlfriend by my side. She kept me sane through it all, she supported my every decision. She loved me when I was unlovable. I tried so hard to be good to her but towards the end, my mental health was so bad, I kept pushing her away, she didn't know why but I wanted to end my life and I wanted to push her away but now I'm too pussy to kill myself and I don't have her now. This life sucks and it's fucking cruel, that's all I really got to say. I hope today and tomorrow treats/treated everyone well.
