willowtrees0
willowtrees
- Oct 5, 2018
- 54
I plan to ctb in our spare bedroom so this week I organized and decorated it into a actual bedroom instead of a storage room. I did a little work around the house and some organizing that i have been meaning to do for a while. I washed all of my summer clothes and packed them up. I plan to pack all of my clothes the day of which hopefully will be next week.
Its been really hard this month because my 21st birthday is at the end of it. My mom and my bf have been planning a trip to go to the casino and its really hard to pretend im excited for a birthday I wont have. A birthday I dont want to have.
My bf already bought me a new laptop and hid it under our bed to which is even more depressing.... like god I feel so awful for doing this but I am literally going crazy. Suicide runs through my head a million times a day and depression has taken over my life. I feel like im loosing my mind. I feel like a complete failure and like I have messed up in every decision I made. I tried to get better and to find a 'purpose'. I truly believe that life just isnt for me. I just want weight to be lifted. I want the pain to be over. I just cant fight anymore.... It hurts so much when my mind is fighting with my heart.
I would take the most painful way to die if it meant my loved ones didnt get hurt by my death. I dont have that power unfortunately and I had to make a decision. I could live in agony and continue to hurt everyone around me by isolating myself or I could end my suffering and try to help them understand...
I just pray that they understand this was a better decision.
Its been really hard this month because my 21st birthday is at the end of it. My mom and my bf have been planning a trip to go to the casino and its really hard to pretend im excited for a birthday I wont have. A birthday I dont want to have.
My bf already bought me a new laptop and hid it under our bed to which is even more depressing.... like god I feel so awful for doing this but I am literally going crazy. Suicide runs through my head a million times a day and depression has taken over my life. I feel like im loosing my mind. I feel like a complete failure and like I have messed up in every decision I made. I tried to get better and to find a 'purpose'. I truly believe that life just isnt for me. I just want weight to be lifted. I want the pain to be over. I just cant fight anymore.... It hurts so much when my mind is fighting with my heart.
I would take the most painful way to die if it meant my loved ones didnt get hurt by my death. I dont have that power unfortunately and I had to make a decision. I could live in agony and continue to hurt everyone around me by isolating myself or I could end my suffering and try to help them understand...
I just pray that they understand this was a better decision.
