My biggest scar is now 20 years old

[FloraKilter]

Teenage me achieved my first "deep" self harm wound 20 years ago today. I freaked myself out about it at the time. I really needed stitches and didn't get them. It was like I passed a threshold. Since then I've done similar damage intermittently over the last 20 years. I do not know why I am like this. Why I can't handle life without resorting to this sick coping mechanism. I had hope back then that I would "get better", prove to everyone that I wasn't a weird r*tard and have a normal, worthwhile life.

Well I didn't. I did everything I was suppose to do: college, stayed employed, attempted relationships. I failed my first career due to my mental health and coming very close to CTB back 10 years ago. Relationships don't really work. Normal men do not want relationships with very mentally ill women covered in scars (but they'll use you for sex!) alcoholics seem to like me because they can mooch off me and they can feel better about themselves because they arent as bad as me. Attempts at friendships follow a similar trajectory. I was diagnosed with autism in my 30s, which makes a lot of sense. But there's no fixing it. I'm never going to "turn it around."

I have come close to CTB at various points in my life but didn't and made it to nearly 40, very much just a ball a scar tissue. I feel like I gave it a good try. But I could've sparred myself a lot of suffering if I managed to end it when I was 29, even better if I could've done it at 19. Nothing has been worth it since.

 

[todeswunsch]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this.
I'm also late diagnosed autistic, diagnosed at 26. I sometimes wonder if I had been diagnosed earlier things could be different.
Your scars don't make you unwanted, yes a lot of men will want just sex - they will regardless of scars tbh - but there are some that this is a non-issue. My ex had her scars, some of them covered by tattoo bc she was ashamed of them. I never had problem with it, we got 3 years in a relationship, and all that mattered for me was her well-being. I'd like her to not SH, but I loved her regardless. You may find someone that loves you regardless of the situation.
But yeah, I know as we get older the hopes start to fade away. I kind feel the samilar: Tryed everything that I was supposed to do, and still regret that I didnt end this before, I still think I should be gone. It's hard to keep hopes.
Hope things get better for you. Good luck on whatever path you take.
I wish you the best