eden101
Student
- Aug 12, 2024
- 108
why would i want to live? "anything can happen to you at any time, you are not special" maybe my anxiety comes from an acute understanding of just that. i do not feel special. i do not feel different. i can be a part of any statistic. statistically the worst ones. because happiness is a rarity. feels more like a carrot dangling in my face but i can't ever catch it. but i hope to. hope is just hoping for the best case scenario. which again, unlikely. why should i live? if anything can happen to me at any point in time? any sickening, cruel thing. when you and i take a walk you flinch at strange men passing by in that park. now why was i born then? why did you share this with me. a world in which you are uncomfortable. uncomfortable because you understand it too. that anything, any bad thing can happen. why did you share this fear and anxiety of existing with me? i can die in a fire, i can be raped and tortured, kidnapped, a dog can bite my fucking face off, a car can lay me down thick over asphalt like peanut butter on a piece of toast. but sure. let's share this constant never ending fear with a baby. let's make me. i cannot comprehend it. why would i enjoy this? awareness, consciousness never ending realisation that nothing really protects me and that i'm at a mercy of circumstance, chain of random events, and it doesn't care. and i'm born out of sexist brainwashing. pop out children. think later. so maybe i'm stupid for even asking "why". you were always neurotic about my every move. you made me anxious. you really only thought after. what kind of world you shared with me. it was too late. and i wish i was aborted or miscarried. i'm tired here, and i know you see. and maybe you even regret it, but that's a rich thought from you. i'm not sure you are capable. the other one fucked off and died like he wanted, not a care from him either. that was weird and suicidal. well i don't want to live too. maybe i'll lock away for the rest of time. or maybe i'll end this, the possibilities can end. if i end them. suicide means safety from future harm. suicide means i'm for no one to devour. not a man or a dog or a circumstance. free. i'm no possibility for anyone's cruel twisted fun. why should i want to live. suicide would feel like the most loving thing to do with my body, my mind. of course they made it so bloody difficult. everyone would want to leave then. not just me who realises. earth is like standing in a public restroom. trying to pick yourself a corner that smells less. and someone locked the door, can't leave. make yourself a life in that corner. the lights went out, stand in the dark, wonder what that sound or smell is, better not think about what happens in those, other corners. how i see it. i know someone will say that's edgy. aren't i on edge? if i am here. i am so done with life but life is not done with me. i can't ignore anything. i always daydreamed. i thought it was because i was in the clouds. but i can see and see well. anxiety. then run away. dissociate. lately the dreams have not been helping. i want to truly leave. dissociate for good. endless fun
i hope that man rots in prison and then in hell
