Discussion My biggest dilemma with CTB

[SinisterKid]

This is something I have not/did not/do not want to consider, but I have no other real choice.

My little one is a sensitive soul. We were at our sons place the other day and after a evening meal with our daughter in law and the little one, our DiL got a few photographs out that were of her own mother who sadly died towards the end of last year. We knew her death had affected the little one deeply and she has had some counselling to help her cope with that. But it became obvious, very rapidly, that looking at these photos was upsetting her and the tears were soon flowing. She asked that the photos be put away and we change the subject. We understand the reasons for that and were only too happy to oblige. Who wants to see a child in tears and visibly upset?

I have to admit, around 3 yrs ago when I was diagnosed as severely depressed, I got no joy from anything, including the little one and that was hard to cope with. She knows nothing of my mental health issues, I am just her grandad who walks with sticks and doesn't say very much. She has never known me be anything different to what I am now. So my first 2 attempts had little/no consideration for anyone else. I simply did not care about what I was leaving behind or who.

But seeing her in this state, I have to wonder just want emotional/psychological damage me taking my own life would leave behind. I dont think I can stomach hurting her, in fact, correction, I know I cant. But I also have to consider myself, my own feelings and emotions. I have spent a lifetime considering others and putting their needs before my own, its just who I am. But I am tired, just so tired.

I am at a loss at how to deal with this, so if anyone out there has any words of wisdom for me, please feel free to express them here.

 

[WaterUnder]

I have spent a lifetime considering others and putting their needs before my own, its just who I am. But I am tired, just so tired.

It's a difficult and painful conundrum. I have no answer for you or for myself. I can only express that I wish it were otherwise. Here's a weird looking hug for you. As if that's something.

 

[Jean Améry]

I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom to share as I do not consider myself wise at all. All I can say is that I think I understand (up to a point at least) as I'm in a similar situation.

For me it's my three little nephews and my godson (technically that's four nephews as they're all sons of my two brothers): except my godson who's just a baby the boys are between 4 and 5 years old. Old enough to know, care and suffer but what bugs me most is my godson. His parents asked me specifically and in a moment of madness I accepted (emotional force majeure). Luckily he's not yet conscious of much but CTB would mean abandoning him and my responsibility to him aswell as betray his parents' trust.

Which is why I feel I need to at least explore all reasonable options before I exit for good. Which is difficult since I've lived with this for 16 years now, lost my youth to it and tried the conventional methods to no avail, even to my own detriment. What is worse is that I have moments where I really want to do it and get rid of this hated existence once and for all. It's nothing short of a catch-22: you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. That's life, life sucks.

What to do about these situations? I honestly don't know. I wish I knew for my own sake aswell as for yours but I don't.

My advice would be to try to hold on for aslong as you can and try anything that might give you relief. A platitude I know but it's all I've got.

 

[whyidon'tknow]

Suicide puts people between a rock and a hard place. You don't want to hurt the ones you love but you don't want to keep hurting yourself.

I think for a lot of people the pain on themselves out weighs the pain caused to other people

 

[WaterUnder]

Suicide puts people between a rock and a hard place. You don't want to hurt the ones you love but you don't want to keep hurting yourself.

I think for a lot of people the pain on themselves out weighs the pain caused to other people

A tipping point

 

[SinisterKid]

It is good to know I am not completely alone with this. I am sure others who are suicidal have similar dilemmas. I know how quickly adults tend to move on from death and to some extent, I can reconcile my ctb and the pain it will cause a few others. Life will go on with or without me. But with a child, its a different story. It was just something that someone mentioned the other day that made me start thinking about this.

 

[DreamCatcher]

Logically family should understand that you're not in pain anymore and be happy for the life you shared with them.

But it's not logical it's emotional.

They'll be sad, they'll wonder if they did something wrong or if they could have been better and you'd have stayed.

The short answer I found is that while it's good to care for others so much, don't cause yourself undue pain and torment remaining for their sake.

But the long answer is that I'm a hypocrite because while I've decided their pain doesn't matter if it spares me mine, it's the primary reason I'm still here trying to do what I can to help the friends and family I care about while I can tolerate life.

I even talked to one of my best friends and life partners about it and she was offended thinking that me caring about her was a bad thing because it kept me from departing peacefully. And yes it does. My caring for others is keeping me here, my life spares them pain.

The answer is, if you can endure for their sake, then endure. If you can't, then find peace. It's up to you.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I hear you. The sole reason I'm still here to type this is because of my younger brother. I want my suicide to be peaceful, not like opening Pandora's Box and tossing those demons over to the only person I ever loved and trusted. How could that be my final act? I know that he'd carry the burden of my suicide for as long as he lives. I've had a tranquil departure as a recurring goal for years now and it always ends in this same dead end. I just exist in this self-repeating rut now, completely sick and exhausted of "life".

I've noticed when I fall into a disconnected state, as if nothing is real, I find the whole situation much more palpable. It's hard to describe, almost as if reality is a bad dream and nothing is truly tangible. What bad could my death cause if nothing matters? I'm sure I'm developing some kind of mental disorder but I welcome it. That combined with the knowledge that when I'm dead I wont be having any thoughts or feelings anymore means I wont even be able to comprehend what I've done. As if this nightmare never was in the first place.

 

[Severen]

I don't really want to CTB in the future either but every alternative option looks like complete shit. There is no insanity behind my decision. Nothing impulsive about it. Nah. Humanity fucked up so I have to pay the price along with other people. And I'm just planning on not paying. I'm just trying to avoid being scammed. I'm just ahead of the curve.

 

[SinisterKid]

I don't really want to CTB in the future either but every alternative option looks like complete shit.

Yeah, there is always that to consider as well.