So I'm on morphine, I'm on 30mg prolonged release tablets.
I took 25 of these with a handful of sleeping pills, unfortunately my partner caught me.
Part of me was glad as I did it, because, I thought I was going to prison after being caught up in a complex legal case but found out that I avoided any jail time altogether after the attempt.
However, now, over a week on from recovery I'm just regretting it. This life seems like a huge rat race that's just terrible, seems like we all do the same thing; work to make someone else rich to pay the bills and while it's possible to escape that, it's very difficult.
I guess I just don't cope with being an adult very well, I have no self discipline and can't get myself out of the hole that I'm in, I'm so self destructive I've gone back to being a lump that does nothing productive each day.
Anyway, notes on the suicide attempt. I'm pretty confident hadn't I been found I would have been dead but could be wrong but I'm pretty sure of it.
It wouldn't have been a bad way to go. It took around 30 to 45 minutes for me to start feeling the effects and it was like being really, really drunk, super dizzy.
In the end I couldn't stay awake no matter how hard I tried, I remember waking up at points in the hospital and in the ambulance saying that I couldn't breath so I knew I was struggling for breath but it wasn't painful per se.
There were periods of consciousness from there but mostly sleep for two days solid I was out of it. I remember waking up and the oxygen was really hurting my nose felt like it was on so high and was giving me a headache real bad, kept throwing the tube off but I'd wake up with it back on again and again. The headaches were pretty bad.
Apart from that if I could guarantee not being found or disturbed it's a method I'd go for again as it's pretty much just like falling asleep and that's it.
No vomiting, no sickness, don't know if I got lucky here.
Now I'm left feeling really guilty, family make me feel totally awful about the affect it's had on them and my partner. I'm certain I don't want to be here but now have the added fear of failure and having to deal with how disappointed and mad at me they are.
They all are so angry at me and call me selfish but it amazes me that they don't see their own selfishness at wanting me around just because they love me despite how unbearable life is for me.
Is it just me or do I need to learn to be a little more considerate?
I took 25 of these with a handful of sleeping pills, unfortunately my partner caught me.
Part of me was glad as I did it, because, I thought I was going to prison after being caught up in a complex legal case but found out that I avoided any jail time altogether after the attempt.
However, now, over a week on from recovery I'm just regretting it. This life seems like a huge rat race that's just terrible, seems like we all do the same thing; work to make someone else rich to pay the bills and while it's possible to escape that, it's very difficult.
I guess I just don't cope with being an adult very well, I have no self discipline and can't get myself out of the hole that I'm in, I'm so self destructive I've gone back to being a lump that does nothing productive each day.
Anyway, notes on the suicide attempt. I'm pretty confident hadn't I been found I would have been dead but could be wrong but I'm pretty sure of it.
It wouldn't have been a bad way to go. It took around 30 to 45 minutes for me to start feeling the effects and it was like being really, really drunk, super dizzy.
In the end I couldn't stay awake no matter how hard I tried, I remember waking up at points in the hospital and in the ambulance saying that I couldn't breath so I knew I was struggling for breath but it wasn't painful per se.
There were periods of consciousness from there but mostly sleep for two days solid I was out of it. I remember waking up and the oxygen was really hurting my nose felt like it was on so high and was giving me a headache real bad, kept throwing the tube off but I'd wake up with it back on again and again. The headaches were pretty bad.
Apart from that if I could guarantee not being found or disturbed it's a method I'd go for again as it's pretty much just like falling asleep and that's it.
No vomiting, no sickness, don't know if I got lucky here.
Now I'm left feeling really guilty, family make me feel totally awful about the affect it's had on them and my partner. I'm certain I don't want to be here but now have the added fear of failure and having to deal with how disappointed and mad at me they are.
They all are so angry at me and call me selfish but it amazes me that they don't see their own selfishness at wanting me around just because they love me despite how unbearable life is for me.
Is it just me or do I need to learn to be a little more considerate?
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