Help My anxiety is killing any possibility for genuine connection

[bandoscii]

I have been struggling being open to my friends for months now and I don't think it's gonna get any better honestly. It hurts to see that I feel the same way about my relationships with people and that I didn't change at all... I still base my whole worth on how my friends see me and interact with me. I still want people to ask the occasional "hey, how are u?" and when they don't I think they just don't value me. And maybe they really don't. I don't know.
I assume that other people also should be very in-tune with my emotions, because I'm always trying to figure out if they are feeling down, reassure them and show that I value them. And when others don't do the same for me, I think "wow, they don't care about me at all". I know that others aren't me. I know that they won't know that I need this if I don't say so. But it still hurt so I started to withdraw. Then I pulled in (started to talk more again) because I wanted to talk, then pulled out again because I continued felt undervalued and unloved. Then pulled in, pulled out again in hopes someone notices and reassures me, instead of just communicating my worries. Rinse and repeat.
I know that I should just be vulnerable. Voice my concerns. Voice what I've felt. But I feel like no one cares. No one will care. I will just create unnecessary drama. But I want to vulnerable so badly. I want someone to reassure me that my insecurities are baseless. That my friends don't hate me, that I'm not weird, that they do care for me, that they don't want to leave me because I'm boring. But every time I even try to voice this to someone I feel like I'm being so incredibly clingy to that friend. And no one likes clingy people. I will annoy my friends even more, I will bore them even more if I say anything of that aloud. So, because I'm afraid that my clinginess will repulse them I withdraw to not appear clingy. But because I'm not vulnerable I don't feel that we're friends anymore because we hardly talk. We hardly talk because I feel hurt, afraid of saying that I feel hurt, afraid of appearing needy and consequently not being friends anymore. In the end I just create even more distance between us that makes me feel worse.

It really feels like a fucking closed circle and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

 

[Elenysium]

Hey, how are you?

Seriously though, I'm sure your friends don't hate you. Everyone is just so caught up in their own problems that we hardly check up on each other, but that doesn't mean they won't be supportive in case you need them. You just gotta reach out, okay?

Please be safe.

 

[bandoscii]

Hey, how are you?

Seriously though, I'm sure your friends don't hate you. Everyone is just so caught up in their own problems that we hardly check up on each other, but that doesn't mean they won't be supportive in case you need them. You just gotta reach out, okay?

Please be safe.

Thank you for the support I think it is better to just in the end be honest with people, but it's so scary. I don't want to accuse them of anything or make them feel like it, and just scared of asking for help because it makes me appear "needy"

 

[Elenysium]

and just scared of asking for help because it makes me appear "needy"

It's okay to appear "needy", that's how you get people to know you're in need of something! Wouldn't you also help a needy friend?
On the off chance you'd feel more comfortable anonymously opening up to a stranger first, feel free to PM me. Although I may not have unlocked that yet...

 

[iloveyouihateyou]

this isn't much help but your situation sounds almost exactly like mine, it's so so difficult to open up to other people. i seek the validation from my friends but i wonder how i can even call them that if i can't share anything with them. and then when i get a chance, just like you said i feel like i become clingy without even trying. people really don't like that even if it stems from you having a genuine like/connection/trust for them from my experience atleast. and like you said i also barely have anything to say because personally i feel hurt everyday and with no one to share it with the distance seems to grow and grow. you describe it really well, it does feel like a closed circle and it's fucking miserable...

i wish you the best in navigating your situation, you're not alone in that struggle, it's so difficult and so weird to be in..

 

[bandoscii]

this isn't much help but your situation sounds almost exactly like mine, it's so so difficult to open up to other people. i seek the validation from my friends but i wonder how i can even call them that if i can't share anything with them. and then when i get a chance, just like you said i feel like i become clingy without even trying. people really don't like that even if it stems from you having a genuine like/connection/trust for them from my experience atleast. and like you said i also barely have anything to say because personally i feel hurt everyday and with no one to share it with the distance seems to grow and grow. you describe it really well, it does feel like a closed circle and it's fucking miserable...

i wish you the best in navigating your situation, you're not alone in that struggle, it's so difficult and so weird to be in..

Damn, I'm sorry... If I ever actually open up to my friends and it'll go well, I'll tell. Maybe it'll be easier for you to open up as well. I think opening up is the solution in our situation, it's the responsible thing to do. And if our friends respond negatively it just means that they were not worth any of our worries and anxiety. But it is still hard haha.......... I wish you the best as well, hopefully your situation will be better soon <3