Venting my abusive mom saved a stranger, apparently

[author]

I'm going to do my best to give context.

My mom is abusive, emotionally and mentally. She's been gaslighting me for many years and hasn't cared about my mental or physical well-being. I'm disabled so I often need help she isn't willing to give. It's led me to not get enough food each day because she'll go out to eat with her friends, leaving me home without buying groceries. If we have groceries I'm often bedridden and can't stand up to make food. I honestly can't remember the last time I had more than two meals in a day.

She knows this, and has made fun of me for "rationing food to myself" to her friends like it was a joke - right in front of me. She gets mad at me for eating things in the fridge because she "was going to cook that" when she never told me that beforehand and it was sitting in the fridge long enough to start going bad soon.

She's very back-and-forth as well - the other day she offered to buy me food, and after paying for it she got very serious and said "you just cost me 18 dollars." like she was angry at me. At no point prior to paying did she say the food was too expensive and ask me to get something cheaper - and I would have accommodated if she did. Not even 30 minutes after, she offered to take me out to the mall and buy me new clothes. It's really classic gaslighting and love-bombing, and it happens so rapidly I often get dizzy interacting with her.

That's not the entire story, because I'd be typing my entire life story if I tried to say everything she does, but TL;DR - my mom does not treat me well and doesn't care about my mental/physical health. I'm saying all of this to try and fully demonstrate how much she truly doesn't care about my wellbeing. With that in mind...

I was told by my brother earlier that my mom wouldn't be home for a while, because my mother "saved a man from jumping off the bridge." and I was honestly stunned. She's never cared about helping me, and yet she'll help a random stranger? Are you fucking serious? The same woman who yells at me because I can't walk or stand long enough to clean for very long? That bitch gets to be painted as a hero while I'm still the "lazy" disabled child?

I can't even believe my mother would save anyone. I can't imagine the hard time she probably gave the man she supposedly saved - especially because my brother said the cops arrived, and I can only assume she called them. I'm sure many of us already know how poorly cops handle attempted suicide.

I'm honestly having trouble processing that the woman he was talking about was my mother. It's bothering me a lot, and I can barely put my feelings into words right now. The woman who threatened to beat the shit out of me, laughed in my face for an eating disorder, and routinely gives me shit about my disability... Supposedly saved a man. It doesn't fucking make sense no matter how I think about it.

I hate this.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

No offense, but she sounds like scum.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

Sounds like serious narcissistic PD. She likely did it for the praise knowing cops would come. She is probably hoping the man will feel indebted to her for caring about his life. This will fill her "supply" (her need to feel important and God-like).

The act registers to normies as heroic but it was done with selfish motives. Shes probably even hoping she winds up on the news.

I'm sorry to here this. My heart goes out to you. There's probably not much I can say to make you feel better. My wish for you is that somehow she is jailed for cruelty and you receive a new court appointed caretaker.

 

[Pluto]

There is a simple explanation for this. Sounds like NPD.

A friend of mine used to use the term 'street angel, house devil'. People will appear exceptionally communal, respectable and caring to outsiders. But back home, only the people who actually live with them know the diabolical truth. John Wayne Gacy was a well-respected member of society until a bunch of mutilated corpses were found under his house.

The reason why they do this is because it is quite easy to do a bit of acting and be given an abundance of praise and other ego gratification ('narcissistic supply'). They would never have the energy to keep up the act long-term, so behind closed doors they will freely bully, belittle and torment their own family without remorse.

My own father was a classic example of this, and it also isolated me because if I tried to tell anybody what a monster he was, I would likely be attacked and ostracised. He used to go around doing favours for outsiders without ever asking for anything in return. The entire community regarded him as a saint. As soon as I spoke out against him, the entire family and wider community shunned me permanently. He successfully covered up all of his abuses and even people who witnessed it first hand will never admit it.

In short, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. The only solution is removing these people from your lives any way that you can. They absolutely positively will never change.

And PS: nothing against people with NPD who manage their condition responsibly. I don't want there to be any implied criticism in my comments.

 

[Flippy]

Your mother sounds so much like my mother! It's maddening because to the outside world she appears as the most generous caring person, well at least for a while until they are around her long enough for her to drop the act and they become victims too. They are lucky though, they have always been able to break out of her orbit. I wasn't so lucky, I was trapped by her gaslighting and years of brainwashing.

She used to do similar things. I would give her the money she asked for to contribute to the household, but then she would demand more or pretend like I had forgotten to give her the money. She would waste it on booze and indulgent crap and the cupboards would be empty, no food in the fridge. When I would suggest we go shopping she would go into a diatribe "How the fuck do you expect me to pay for food when you are living here for next to nothing! I'm an adult and I can by booze if I want! You are a selfish self centered piece of shit Flippy and you always have been."

I was giving her nearly half my minimum wage pay and then more when the electric credit ran out or she ran out of booze. In the end I was paying her nearly all of my money and she basically drank it all.

Then after giving me all this shit. She would bring home all sorts of waifes and strays to "give them a good meal as they have so little". She would put on a big show, would give them clothes, money and suggest I should "be kind" and give them things of mine or go on errands for them. Then she would go on and on about how much of a kind person she was, that she couldn't just stand by and let people go without. Strange as she didn't mind her own kids going without.

But the problem is, my mother never does anything to be kind. She has made an "investment" and she expects it to pay off. So these poor people would learn that she wasn't being kind, they "owed her". It was a debt that would never be paid off. Eventually they would run like hell from her, and she would drunkenly moan about how "everyone takes advantage of [her] kindness", then start to smash things up.

People like this, as others have said, likely have a Narcissistic personality disorder. On the one hand it must be absolute hell to live in their minds. On the other hand it's hell to live with or around them.

I take it that you aren't in a position to leave due to your disabilities? I'm very sorry if that's the case :-( Are there any places that can give you help where you live to find a place of your own with support to live independently?

As you can probably tell, the only solution I could come up with was to never be around her and 100% cut her out of my life. Sadly for me, it was probably too little too late and the damage had been done.

I think I can definitely imagine how distressing this situation is and I know how important it is to be able to vent as it's crazy making behaviour. So the only other thing I can offer is that you are welcome to DM me if you need to vent. I live in the UK so we might be in different time zones but the offer is there if you want :-) Remember, her behaviour is not your fault, no matter how much she gaslights you! Trust your gut instinct, it's your shield against her.

 

[demuic]

Sounds like serious narcissistic PD. She likely did it for the praise knowing cops would come. She is probably hoping the man will feel indebted to her for caring about his life. This will fill her "supply" (her need to feel important and God-like).

The act registers to normies as heroic but it was done with selfish motives. Shes probably even hoping she winds up on the news.

A friend of mine used to use the term 'street angel, house devil'. People will appear exceptionally communal, respectable and caring to outsiders. But back home, only the people who actually live with them know the diabolical truth.

Yes, I completely agree with the above posters that it sounds like NPD. I grew up with a narcissist and the difference between how they act to strangers and how they act when the mask comes off when they are with family members is like night and day. They are extremely good actors and manipulators and are able to concoct a story in their own head of themselves always as a saintly/godlike figure that can do no wrong. Any action they take that seems kind or caring is usually for their own benefit and with the expectation of receiving something in return. There is no heroic or selfless motive whatsoever.

Unfortunately most people don't understand the severity of narcissistic behavior unless they have been impacted by it themselves. It does have the potential to make anyone feel like they are going crazy having to deal with anyone like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[author]

No offense, but she sounds like scum.

No, I'm with you on that. She's honestly terrible to live with.

Sounds like serious narcissistic PD. She likely did it for the praise knowing cops would come. She is probably hoping the man will feel indebted to her for caring about his life. This will fill her "supply" (her need to feel important and God-like).

The act registers to normies as heroic but it was done with selfish motives. Shes probably even hoping she winds up on the news.

I'm sorry to here this. My heart goes out to you. There's probably not much I can say to make you feel better. My wish for you is that somehow she is jailed for cruelty and you receive a new court appointed caretaker.

Fuck, I didn't even think about that. I can't say what her thought process is but that seems very in line for how she usually acts.
I honestly doubt she'll get any repercussions for her actions towards me, most people don't believe me on how bad she is, even my brother - though he honestly doesn't treat me well either, so that could be why he justifies her actions.

There is a simple explanation for this. Sounds like NPD.

A friend of mine used to use the term 'street angel, house devil'. People will appear exceptionally communal, respectable and caring to outsiders. But back home, only the people who actually live with them know the diabolical truth. John Wayne Gacy was a well-respected member of society until a bunch of mutilated corpses were found under his house.

The reason why they do this is because it is quite easy to do a bit of acting and be given an abundance of praise and other ego gratification ('narcissistic supply'). They would never have the energy to keep up the act long-term, so behind closed doors they will freely bully, belittle and torment their own family without remorse.

My own father was a classic example of this, and it also isolated me because if I tried to tell anybody what a monster he was, I would likely be attacked and ostracised. He used to go around doing favours for outsiders without ever asking for anything in return. The entire community regarded him as a saint. As soon as I spoke out against him, the entire family and wider community shunned me permanently. He successfully covered up all of his abuses and even people who witnessed it first hand will never admit it.

In short, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. The only reason solution is removing these people from your lives any way that you can. They absolutely positively will never change.

And PS: nothing against people with NPD who manage their condition responsibly. I don't want there to be any implied criticism in my comments.

That sounds like my mother. She's well-respected by others and is friends with people in high places. I honestly really want to get away from her, but it's been difficult to keep from going broke due to my disability.

People like this, as others have said, likely have a Narcissistic personality disorder. On the one hand it must be absolute hell to live in their minds. On the other hand it's hell to live with or around them.

I take it that you aren't in a position to leave due to your disabilities? I'm very sorry if that's the case :-( Are there any places that can give you help where you live to find a place of your own with support to live independently?

As you can probably tell, the only solution I could come up with was to never be around her and 100% cut her out of my life. Sadly for me, it was probably too little too late and the damage had been done.

I think I can definitely imagine how distressing this situation is and I know how important it is to be able to vent as it's crazy making behaviour. So the only other thing I can offer is that you are welcome to DM me if you need to vent. I live in the UK so we might be in different time zones but the offer is there if you want :-) Remember, her behaviour is not your fault, no matter how much she gaslights you! Trust your gut instinct, it's your shield against her.

Thank you. You're right about my disability keeping me stuck with her. Honestly, I did try to run away once, with someone who said they'd help and house me - but that went very badly for me and I ended up having to move back in with her and all the money I had before running away was gone. I'm kinda just stuck now, since I can't get hired due to my disability but I also can't seem to get approved for social security help. I'm also kind of scared since my mom has been very adamant about me getting disability help so I can "contribute to the household since I don't do anything". She basically wants to take my money from social security so I won't be able to move out. I have to make sure I get approved for disability behind her back, and hide it from her somehow - though I'm sure she'd find out through the mail... I don't know.

Yes, I completely agree with the above posters that it sounds like NPD. I grew up with a narcissist and the difference between how they act to strangers and how they act when the mask comes off when they are with family members is like night and day. They are extremely good actors and manipulators and are able to concoct a story in their own head of themselves always as a saintly/godlike figure that can do no wrong. Any action they take that seems kind or caring is usually for their own benefit and with the expectation of receiving something in return. There is no heroic or selfless motive whatsoever.

Unfortunately most people don't understand the severity of narcissistic behavior unless they have been impacted by it themselves. It does have the potential to make anyone feel like they are going crazy having to deal with anyone like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Honestly I had the suspicion that it was NPD but due to the consistent gaslighting I find that my own head turns against me sometimes to tell me it's "not that bad". So I appreciate everyone's confirmation in letting me know it really is that bad.

 

[Flippy]

Yes, I completely agree with the above posters that it sounds like NPD. I grew up with a narcissist and the difference between how they act to strangers and how they act when the mask comes off when they are with family members is like night and day. They are extremely good actors and manipulators and are able to concoct a story in their own head of themselves always as a saintly/godlike figure that can do no wrong. Any action they take that seems kind or caring is usually for their own benefit and with the expectation of receiving something in return. There is no heroic or selfless motive whatsoever.

Unfortunately most people don't understand the severity of narcissistic behavior unless they have been impacted by it themselves. It does have the potential to make anyone feel like they are going crazy having to deal with anyone like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I absolutely agree! Most people definitely don't understand what it's like. The most they will think if they have never been in the clutches of such a person is "oh what a nice person, they just invited me into their home and fed me and paid for a taxi ride home!" Never realising that their generous benefactor provided none of those things themselves .

The problem is, if you describe the situation to someone who is oblivious to the person's behaviour or has never encountered this kind of thing, it's you that seems crazy and selfish to them.

It's distressing and damaging, that's why it's important to have a way to stay grounded in what's true and real. Not their reality distortion field, that's what can truly drive you crazy.

EDIT Somehow what follows got appended to my last post so please consider anything below this as a separate post.

I'm so sorry your last attempt to escape her didn't work out :-( This is another thing people don't understand about the dynamic of this sort of relationship. People assume it can't be so bad because "you went back", but will simultaneously know that there have been circumstances under which they had no choice but to return to their parents home. The only difference is, in your case it's a poisoned chalice.

My mother was always very keen to lay her hands on my money. She would push me into doing things I didn't want to do so she could get more. For example, pushing me into a university degree I didn't want to do so she could get her hands on that "sweet sweet" student loan money. I was working and paying my way, but no, she wanted more.

What you said about her saying you don't "contribute" is eerily similar to what my mother used to say. She would give other people the impression when I didn't have any money left that I was "free loading" and not paying my way. If I refused to give her more money she would invite someone round and cleverly prime them to think we were talking about the same thing. I would object to giving more money, but to her friend it would look like I was refusing to pay anything at all.

It's such a horrible trap to be in as you can't build enough resources to get away easily and at the same time it looks to outsiders like your mother is supporting you when it's often the other way around.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have been treated like this. People really are cruel. I understand why you would have trouble processing what has just happened. I wish you well.

 

[Marktheghost]

The way she treats you and the fact that she's selfish enough to prolong the suffering of someone who was suffering so much that he wanted to die seems pretty consistent to me.

 

[Makko]

I can imagine some parents, and mothers especially, would be devilishly resentful about having to raise/take care of a disabled kid. Especially those who spend their pregnancy in fantasies about how her kid would become more successful and support her, but it turned out the other way around instead.

 

[OrcWitch]

As others have said, she sounds narcissistic. Vulnerable narcissists like being tragic victims, heroes, big hearted etc but it's all very fake. They internally perceive themselves as righteous, kind people because society regards people like that as ideal. They can do anything to anyone and are incapable of feeling guilt, they can do some terrible things and continue to regard themselves as kind hearted just like the heroes of a story. We can't read your mother's mind but it very likely she doesn't give a single shit about this man. She instead got high off the idea of being a savior, and loves the attention she will get from it. She will use this for the rest of her life to get praise and be the center of attention.

Jesus christ that is such a horrible position to be in. My own mother is a vulnerable narcissist and horribly abusive, but I was fortunate enough to be able bodied enough to completely remove her from my life and never contact her again. I could write everything that evil woman put me and my dad through, but none of us were disabled and physically reliant on her. You poor soul, my god. What a despicable fate. I can't imagine how hard this must be on you and I feel angry hearing your story. I don't know you but I sincerely hope you are able to one day have a life away from her.

If you ever want to read similar experiences, /r/raisedbynarcissists isn't exactly the most supportive environment(it is likely any post you make will go mostly ignored), but it can be emotionally helpful to get a clearer picture of the kind of person you have been abused by. It gives some relief to understand how their mind operates, everything they have done begins to have some rhyme and reason. I also recommend Dr. Todd Grande's videos on vulnerable narcissists, grandiose narcissists and NPD.

 

[author]

Thank you to everyone for your support. I'd like to give an update because she said some wild shit today about this and rather than make a new thread it's probably more appropriate to put it here.

She was asking invasive questions to me, and making the usual comments on my outfit and how I present myself. I got fed up with it, and told her off about how she's constantly judging me and random people on the street on what they look like, and being nosy about other people's personal information. I know that's really not what you're supposed to do, but I honestly just... Couldn't deal with it. Not today.

The entire time she had this big grin on her face like she thought it was the funniest thing ever. She thought I was joking about telling her off for her gross behavior towards others. She then proceeded to say;
"Oh, but did you hear what I did? Because I was nosy?" like she was proud, "I saved a kid from jumping off the bridge! Everyone else drove by without doing anything but I called the cops and they saved him! Most people would look the other way, but I didn't. Oh, he looked around your age too, you know."

Hearing that honestly disgusted me further. I'm a little glad she didn't have the chance to interact with the person she supposedly "saved" but calling the cops and driving away is not a heroic thing like she tried to make it out to be. I even told her cops don't handle attempted ctb well and she brushed it off.

Absolutely terrible behavior. She really tried to justify making fun of stranger's appearances and being nosy about my friends' personal information by using someone's attempted ctb.

Not to mention, taking into account what others have said in this thread - hearing her stroke her own ego for "saving a guy" when she barely even got involved and didn't speak a word to the guy - it really makes me certain that she's a narcissist. It was so painfully clear she wanted me to praise her.

I'm so tired.