My 27+ reasons why

[Circles]

Let me preface to say that I'm sorry if some of these sounds alike or are related somehow as I've been brainstorming my reasons why for some time and still have trouble typing them out in any articulate manner. I know this will be buried soon after I post this, but atleast I finally feel done with this until I find another reason why I want to die.

1. Lifelong depression, tired of feeling dark and empty thinking about depressing shit and suicide every single damn day without end. I'm never going to not be depressed and suicidal to some extent.

2. Chronic backpain mainly tailbone and lower back which affects my entire spine and restricts my movement where I'm bedridden or housebound most days, knee pain, and tired of constantly feeling unhealthy in general.

3. Loneliness. Tired of being all by myself most days and since it's part of the human condition it'll never go away. Tired of feeling alone and empty even around my family. Tired of dreading the fact that I won't even have much of a family anymore when I get older especially with my grandfather and my mom dying and my brother and sister drifting away focusing on their own lives, and I'll be all by myself with no one to confide to.

4. Extreme boredom of life. I have no life. Nothing is fun, hell I don't remember the last time I had fun. Every day feels exactly the same with minor differences and doing the same monotonous routine every single day and night feels pointless as fuck. Also having anhedonia which is the Inability to enjoy anything doesn't help since I can't find anything to fill the void when everything I try feels empty. If life is suppose to be about enjoyment then wtf happens if you can't enjoy anything? Ultimately my life feels just so lifeless.

5. Life is pointless, whether you die young or old it makes no difference cause as soon as I'm dead it'll be like I wasn't ever here at all and won't remember any of it. All the suffering we go through is ultimately for nothing.

6. Anxiety and numerous of phobias I can't get over or control, such as death anxiety of loved ones, fear of the dark, etc.

7. Tired of constantly thinking about suicide and death, the thoughts just never leaves me even when I accept it. I'm tired of thinking, seeing,, hearing or anything reminding me about death all the damn time. Here's a thought experiment: try to go 1 day without seeing something that reminds you of death. I know I can't.

8. No motivation and too lazy for anything. Perfect saying to this is: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink it." Meaning you can give someone or provide them with an opportunity, but you can't force them to do something if they don't want to. And it's the same with my mom/family/others wanting me to live even though I don't want to live. We only have ourselves to fix our lives, but I don't know how to fix anything about myself.

9. Tired of my existence basically being about looking at a screen or phone and sleeping every day in a constant loop. And sitting inside the house feeling trapped with nothing to do. Like what's the fucking point of such a pathetic existence? I feel like that crazy old woman from that Requiem for a Dream movie.

10. Having no control whatsoever. Tired of bad things happening to me without my control. Tired of so many little things that irritate the living fuck out of me that happens everyday I can't control. Tired of feeling dark emotions and unknown fears I can't control. Tired of having unwanted dreams and nightmares that I can't control.

11. Tired of drugs and alcohol being the only things helping me get through life and how it's the only things helping me feel some small peace and acceptance within myself even for a moment.

12. Life is suffering and there's too much negativity in most aspects of life. There's more bad days than there are good. Suffering is guaranteed whereas life getting better is not. Tired of how random it all is and how the only people you care about most will also suffer and die unexpectedly and without warning. Tired of how nature, this world and the universe or whatever feeds off of all this suffering and death.

13. Inability to understand, start or even keep up with human interaction, connection, relationships. I will most likely never have friends let alone a girlfriend or whatever other human relationship especially with how antisocial I am. And even though I don't care about having them human biology makes having a lonely life feel even lonelier and worse. I'm constantly indecisive on wanting friends, girlfriend or whatever else and then not wanting them anyway. So I'm just gonna constantly struggle with relationships.

14. Working. Inability to find a job I'd like or let alone able to provide for myself that doesn't downgrade whatever integrity I have left. Almost every job fucking sucks full of shitty fucking people. And now that I can't work anymore with my backpain I'm going to be on disability and as much as I hated the thought of working all my pathetic life, I don't want to waste away not making something of myself either with nothing to do stuck inside the house all the time. Either option doesn't appeal to me.

15. Disappointed with how overrated almost everything in life is.

16. Tired of dealing with grief especially of my dog. I hate fearing and hearing about the death of my family and others.

17. How almost everything revolves around money. How expensive basic shit is and let alone making enough to live on or thrive on. Plus the added bonus or threat of being poor or homeless when it comes to this stuff.

18. I hate how hateful, backwards and ignorant humans can be. I hate how society is structured to be oppressive and doesn't progress to do any good for everyone. Hate how sick and twisted this world is, it feeds off of suffering and death. The ugliness, toxic, gritty bitterness and the divisions and backwardness of humans is too damn much. Being a good person doesn't get you nowhere in this fucked up world.

19. No future or options that I'd even care to like. I'll never amount to anything even if it was something I'd be interested in. No purpose or even a delusional purpose that I see worth in.

20. The future sounds bleak for this world with even more senseless struggles.

21. Good moments just never last and the bad ones cuts deeper each time. And you never know when the good times were or when the best times of your life happened until it's all gone which just makes you take it for granted and feel even more guilt and regret over missing it.

22. I constantly feel like a bad person even though I haven't done much wrong in my life, I've had my moments where I did and it absolutely kills me and the guilt is too much.

23. Hate how there's not enough nature or wilderness anymore in this world. Hate that there isn't enough land to simply escape to and live freely. Hate the thought of being part of a system that's poisoning nature and us humans along with it. Hate the thought of being trapped in man made ugly, grey, and lifeless concrete jungles all my life paying for a shitty existence I didn't ask for.

24. Tired of feeling like an alien and that I don't belong being a human, that no one can understand me even if I could adequately explain it.

25. Tired of waiting for something to change, answers or whatever that'll never come.

26. Unable to become a functional human adult doing adult things.

27+ : I don't want to get older, I'm too sensitive, tired of pretending, tired of disappointing and being a burden to my mom, life feeling limited, and probably a lot more if I think about it. Hell at this point I might as well say EVERYTHING.

Overall, boy am I fucked. After looking at all this I'm left wondering why the fuck I'm not killing myself right now. Welp time to smoke and drink all of this away for a moment. Yay.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I agree and resonate completely with all of these, except:

20. I honestly think our future can be bright, but only the impossibly far future. A future where we know ALL there is to know about the human brain, at which point we will have the power to end suffering entirely, because all suffering is the result of the brain.

23. I don't personally care much for nature. Obviously it is vital to us in terms of how it sustains us in certain ways, but equally, it has been far from the perfect protector or provider to us; in many ways it is hostile and unwelcoming. The outdoors is an imperfect environment for humans and we can create far better than it. If it were so good for us then we wouldn't have to escape it by building shelters, for example.

 

[DeathNoot]

I pretty much agree with all of these, with the exception that I don't have chronic pain or anhedonia (dreading the possibility of the later). I have nothing to add, but we're in this sinking boat together, with many others I'm sure.

 

[MeriDeath]

I relate 100%. It's like you're describing my whole life, I don't know... Honestly I don't know how we got to this point because there are so many happy people over the world but heck I guess we are the chosen ones, the ones that are too sensitive and have nothing to live for. I guess sometimes life be like that if you're born unlucky. Which is not our fault but life isn't good to anyone and there's no one that can control it you know? I don't believe in karma God or people so I guess I just lived, suffered, had enough and now I will CTB. No further explication for that. But anyways I feel you and I am very sorry for what youre going through constantly. I hope you will choose the right path in life.

 

[Tintypographer]

Mine

1) my spouse. She yells and everyone in the house and second guesses everything
2) bad choices I've made from college selection to places to live
3) my career
4) lack of motivation
5) allowing perfection to rule my life
6) not understanding other people
7) choosing the first thing that came along
8) not leaving when needed
9) trying to build something great
10) taking chances that didn't work out
11) not leaving
12) taking crap from bullies
13) not living
14) never learning to quit when needed
15) always doing the right thing instead of the best thing
16) allowing myself to be henpecked
17) having no self esteem
18) for the times I was not brave
19) for times I treated others wrong
20 for falling in love
21) for bureaucracy and all it years down in humanity
22) for not winning the Nobel prize
23) for not writing
24) for not staying in shape
25) for lack of willpower
26) for being a loser
27) for losing faith

 

[lululoo]

Amen, Circles. I relate to a lot of this.

 

[RileyTanaka]

I can relate very much to your reasons, particularly the ones related to being ill and the inability to work. I feel that makes me essentially doomed to catch the bus, as health problems that go unresolved tend to get worse over time. I also feel so much of what you do around isolation, the feeling of repetition/lack of purpose, and needing to be antisocial (but suffering socially for it). If we're being honest, life is intrinsically meaningless. We are born, we are here, we experience what we can, we try to survive, then we die. We are expected to inject meaning into our own lives, but if that is literally impossible to do (based on circumstantial reasons or otherwise), then what do you do? For what it's worth, it seems like you're a level headed, grounded, and articulate person. I'm sorry you're having to suffer too.

all suffering is the result of the brain

No.

 

[lululoo]

I can relate very much to your reasons, particularly the ones related to being ill and the inability to work. I feel that makes me essentially doomed to catch the bus, as health problems that go unresolved tend to get worse over time. I also feel so much of what you do around isolation, the feeling of repetition/lack of purpose, and needing to be antisocial (but suffering socially for it). If we're being honest, life is intrinsically meaningless. We are born, we are here, we experience what we can, we try to survive, then we die. We are expected to inject meaning into our own lives, but if that is literally impossible to do (based on circumstantial reasons or otherwise), then what do you do? For what it's worth, it seems like you're a level headed, grounded, and articulate person. I'm sorry you're having to suffer too.

No.

Agreed about chronic illness being dooming. My choices now seem to be suffer fifty more years of increasing illness and isolation and then face death, or just face that big bad scary wolf now.

 

[UberYeets]

Factors contributing to my own demise;
1)Inability to work(no self sufficiency compounding my self hatred)
2)Inability to differentiate fantasy from reality
3)Comorbidity between autism and mental ills
4)maxing out mental ill scores years ago and now being in an even more fractured state
5)inability to self validate feel complete and secure, control my fear response.(bonked mirror neurons?)
6)Was attacked by 15+ men with knives and guns in a dissociative episode during a holiday, I feel much shame and regret for not responding as efficiently as possible.
7)Massive incompatibility between my own beliefs and mainstream social beliefs and laws
8)Preserving my own honour, believing that I am a coward.
9)Becoming overly instinctual and emotional
becoming less intellectual and spiritual (in touch with my own innermost principles away from the trappings of polarization)
10)Zombified 'autopilot' numb effect, not feeling present or alive in any moment trapped somewhere in the past and the future.
11)Feeling lonely and unheard.(money talks bullshit walks)
12)No country to return to(shitty bit of the levant)
13)destroyed self image
barely coping at all, constant freeze fight or flight.
14)Only child syndrome, minority within a minority, single mother household, autism isolation.
15)does ethnic mixing cause an increased risk of psychogenic depressive outbreeding?
16)learning difficulty in this state, compromised short term recall and lack of creativity.
17)Used to have suicidal ideation, now I am just a mechanical husk of my former self, it's all a haze and I just want this pain to end.
18)Developed high blood pressure, lactose intolerance and sugar sensitivity.
19)On top of this I have to live a human life with a prime not longer than 20% of the lifespan planned biological obscelecence and increasingly at the mercy of entropic factors.
20)I don't remember asking for a shit life and being completely fine with it, am I just a selection of regurgitated memories and chemicals?what the fuck am I and how do I even begin to interpret this shithole
21) got into trouble with the local gangs for standing up for myself and guns are illegal to own so figure this power dynamic out.
22) I have psychopathic tendencies and acknowledge how ruthless I can be when I'm crossed, I want to die before I seek a vindictive vengeance against those who wronged me.
23)I never belonged anywhere, always the black fucking sheep, no one understands me and I don't understand anyone, like some mutant alien in a strange world and it's extra lonely.
24) laws fucking me up, can't get married due to a massive gamble on being divorced on a whim and paying out to kids who are going to be raised to hate me anyway hahahaha what a fucking joke, this is a testament to the state of the shitheap that passes for a justice system anyway so I can't even have a trusted wife and to raise kids so complete my life anyway.
25)imprisoned by not only my mind and body, but my circumstances too, I've probably developed dementia after 9 years of this shitty situation and the self neglect that is conjoined to it at the hip. There's no way I can remove myself geographically let alone psychologically
26)my patience is wearing thin, the only reason im alive is because of my immediate family, but living in such a decrepit state only gets so tolerable after nearly a decade.
27)I have been subjected to molestation by certain types growing up, my mental state hasn't helped me process the information fully yet and I don't give a fuck anymore.

 

[rhiino]

23. Hate how there's not enough nature or wilderness anymore in this world. Hate that there isn't enough land to simply escape to and live freely. Hate the thought of being part of a system that's poisoning nature and us humans along with it. Hate the thought of being trapped in man made ugly, grey, and lifeless concrete jungles all my life paying for a shitty existence I didn't ask for.

This is one of the main reasons I do not want to live in this world anymore.