The.End
This too shall pass
- May 18, 2019
- 80
You how sometimes when you wake up, it takes a second to remember everything and when you do, life just hit you like a ton of bricks. That has got to be one of the worst part of my day. God damnit, what a terrible way to start the day.
I spend every night alone in my room taking drugs or chain smoking cigarettes trying to forget and block out everything, of course the more I do that the more I end up thinking about it all. there's music and film/tv shows but that stuff can only keep you occupied for so long. Sometime I can't even bring myself to watch movies and tv show because I keep comparing my life to the stories and the characters I'm watching, it ends up becoming a big trigger for me. There are so many films I would have loved to watch just a couple of years ago but now I have to stay well away. How messed up is that?
Once I manage to fall I asleep, it's like I exit my conscious hell and enter my unconscious hell. Every night my sleep is plagued with bad dreams, nightmares and night terrors. Once I go sleepy bye bye, all my nasty little demons come out to play. I usually wake up 5 - 10 times a night only to go back to sleep again.
My dreams feel so surreal and my reality starts to feel like the dream. Sometimes after a long exhausting dream, I wake up and it takes a second to realise that this realty is real and my life is the nightmare. I also realise that I have no idea what the fuck it all mean or how the fuck I even exist. I can't put into words how depressed and heart broken this realisation makes me. Then comes the extreme suicidal thoughts where I just want to end it right there and then. I have my method ready. I wouldn't even have to get out of bed. Only thing stopping me is what it will do to family and how sad, angry and even disgusted they will be with me. My family are loving and good people and they are the only reason I not dead in a gutter somewhere. All I ever do is keep disappointing them and myself.
In my heart of heart I know that suicide and death and my only options.
I needed to get that of my chest so cheers for reading guys.
I spend every night alone in my room taking drugs or chain smoking cigarettes trying to forget and block out everything, of course the more I do that the more I end up thinking about it all. there's music and film/tv shows but that stuff can only keep you occupied for so long. Sometime I can't even bring myself to watch movies and tv show because I keep comparing my life to the stories and the characters I'm watching, it ends up becoming a big trigger for me. There are so many films I would have loved to watch just a couple of years ago but now I have to stay well away. How messed up is that?
Once I manage to fall I asleep, it's like I exit my conscious hell and enter my unconscious hell. Every night my sleep is plagued with bad dreams, nightmares and night terrors. Once I go sleepy bye bye, all my nasty little demons come out to play. I usually wake up 5 - 10 times a night only to go back to sleep again.
My dreams feel so surreal and my reality starts to feel like the dream. Sometimes after a long exhausting dream, I wake up and it takes a second to realise that this realty is real and my life is the nightmare. I also realise that I have no idea what the fuck it all mean or how the fuck I even exist. I can't put into words how depressed and heart broken this realisation makes me. Then comes the extreme suicidal thoughts where I just want to end it right there and then. I have my method ready. I wouldn't even have to get out of bed. Only thing stopping me is what it will do to family and how sad, angry and even disgusted they will be with me. My family are loving and good people and they are the only reason I not dead in a gutter somewhere. All I ever do is keep disappointing them and myself.
In my heart of heart I know that suicide and death and my only options.
I needed to get that of my chest so cheers for reading guys.
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