TL:DR, don't do drugs, and don't ever allow your friends, family, or loved ones to do drugs.
I used to be hyper-intelligent. My IQ tested at 144 when I was 12, but I had ADHD and couldn't really focus on the test and my psych thought it was actually much higher. I was put on Strattera and Vyvanse, which made me suicidal and made my eating disordered; I also couldn't sleep well. Later I stopped and developed coping mechanisms for the ADHD, which I now know is really complex trauma.
My family's background is...complex. I've never met anyone more multiracial or multiethnic than myself. My mother is French/Italian/Spanish and Jewish/Berber Moroccan/Algerian; my father is Guyanese with a mix of Amazonian/Portuguese and Chinese/Angolan/Welsh. At the same time, we have a lot of generational trauma that's persisted and created a lot of mental illness. My father and his father were the first to the scene of the Jonestown massacre, and my grandfather worked with the KGB and the CIA to secure deals and curry political favor for the country's airline. My mother's mother was the victim of a pogrom that took out her entire settlement in Morocco on Yom Kippur when she was 12. Plus more stuff I can't really discuss on this forum.
I've been fortunate enough to travel all across the world, hike many places across the US and Canada, and receive a fantastic education.
Unfortunately, though, I never saw the point of living. Everything was easy and I was unmotivated because people always seemed to want to either use me or misunderstood me. I never formed a solid ego that I liked; I was an outcast all of my life. My mom abandoned me with my dad when I was 2 for her boss. I would spend every weekend with my mother and weeks with my father, until later on when my mother sued for custody at which point I started to see my father less and less. Mom dated around a lot and started to take me between households of different people for a few years at a time.
My childhood was extremely unstable; once we eventually arrived with my stepfamily, I enjoyed a period of stability for about 7 years, but all the while things were still rocky. I never was able to form healthy social attachments with anyone, not my parents, not my family, and not my friends. The people I most enjoyed being around were my parents' friends, who I could talk about politics with.
In temple when I was 10, my best and only friend showed me the ugliest parts of the internet. I'm talking /b/, where Nazism, gore, rape, murder, incest, child pornography and the like ran rampant. He showed me lots of porn that he liked, especially drawn porn like hentai and yaoi as well as varieties with kids in it called shota. Eventually the emotional abuse turned into sexual abuse and he forced himself onto me. The grooming lasted over a year. Later therapy was... Unhelpful because I could not tell them what had happened.
Later in life I started doing drugs and drinking heavily, especially in college. I did not apply myself; everything was too easy, and I had no real interests to speak of beyond imagining what a better future would be like.
I tried really hard to be a part of that future to be honest. I really wanted to change the world in a meaningful way. When I failed at that through work, I went the religiosity route. I had multiple spiritual awakenings...and to be honest, what I saw terrified me. I'm not sure how real it is, but what I do know is that I feel guilty for wasting this precious gift of life that I have been given.
Things really derailed during the pandemic when I smoked weed every night, going to raves, and was in a toxic relationship. After that I couldn't stop making bad life decisions that really destroyed me and my brain. The nails in the coffin were hormones, longevity supplements, and magic mushrooms.
I don't want to keep taking up space for those folks who want to live and start families that will outlast this current bout of crazy.
I've chosen the night night method. I'm not sure when I'll go out, but I hope that I can make amends with certain folks before I do. Life is so much work, and I'm so tired.
I used to be hyper-intelligent. My IQ tested at 144 when I was 12, but I had ADHD and couldn't really focus on the test and my psych thought it was actually much higher. I was put on Strattera and Vyvanse, which made me suicidal and made my eating disordered; I also couldn't sleep well. Later I stopped and developed coping mechanisms for the ADHD, which I now know is really complex trauma.
My family's background is...complex. I've never met anyone more multiracial or multiethnic than myself. My mother is French/Italian/Spanish and Jewish/Berber Moroccan/Algerian; my father is Guyanese with a mix of Amazonian/Portuguese and Chinese/Angolan/Welsh. At the same time, we have a lot of generational trauma that's persisted and created a lot of mental illness. My father and his father were the first to the scene of the Jonestown massacre, and my grandfather worked with the KGB and the CIA to secure deals and curry political favor for the country's airline. My mother's mother was the victim of a pogrom that took out her entire settlement in Morocco on Yom Kippur when she was 12. Plus more stuff I can't really discuss on this forum.
I've been fortunate enough to travel all across the world, hike many places across the US and Canada, and receive a fantastic education.
Unfortunately, though, I never saw the point of living. Everything was easy and I was unmotivated because people always seemed to want to either use me or misunderstood me. I never formed a solid ego that I liked; I was an outcast all of my life. My mom abandoned me with my dad when I was 2 for her boss. I would spend every weekend with my mother and weeks with my father, until later on when my mother sued for custody at which point I started to see my father less and less. Mom dated around a lot and started to take me between households of different people for a few years at a time.
My childhood was extremely unstable; once we eventually arrived with my stepfamily, I enjoyed a period of stability for about 7 years, but all the while things were still rocky. I never was able to form healthy social attachments with anyone, not my parents, not my family, and not my friends. The people I most enjoyed being around were my parents' friends, who I could talk about politics with.
In temple when I was 10, my best and only friend showed me the ugliest parts of the internet. I'm talking /b/, where Nazism, gore, rape, murder, incest, child pornography and the like ran rampant. He showed me lots of porn that he liked, especially drawn porn like hentai and yaoi as well as varieties with kids in it called shota. Eventually the emotional abuse turned into sexual abuse and he forced himself onto me. The grooming lasted over a year. Later therapy was... Unhelpful because I could not tell them what had happened.
Later in life I started doing drugs and drinking heavily, especially in college. I did not apply myself; everything was too easy, and I had no real interests to speak of beyond imagining what a better future would be like.
I tried really hard to be a part of that future to be honest. I really wanted to change the world in a meaningful way. When I failed at that through work, I went the religiosity route. I had multiple spiritual awakenings...and to be honest, what I saw terrified me. I'm not sure how real it is, but what I do know is that I feel guilty for wasting this precious gift of life that I have been given.
Things really derailed during the pandemic when I smoked weed every night, going to raves, and was in a toxic relationship. After that I couldn't stop making bad life decisions that really destroyed me and my brain. The nails in the coffin were hormones, longevity supplements, and magic mushrooms.
I don't want to keep taking up space for those folks who want to live and start families that will outlast this current bout of crazy.
I've chosen the night night method. I'm not sure when I'll go out, but I hope that I can make amends with certain folks before I do. Life is so much work, and I'm so tired.
