Venting moving to another country, i don’t think i can ctb soon

[jigsaw_falling]

i'm croatian, live in the uk, and have for all my life. my parents moved here after they got married. my mum, especially, hates it here. truly hates it, to the point that i think it's made her fully depressed at several points. this is for a lot of reasons that i won't go into, but in short, my parents feels so alone in the uk (all family, friends, and support system is in croatia), and due to also financial problems.

a few days ago, my mum came up to me and said if i'd want to move to croatia. i, actually surprised myself with my answer, and said yes immediately. now, if ever, is also the best time to move. i'm starting university after this summer, and my sister is starting secondary school at the same time, so we're in this transition period where it's a great time to move.
i also want my mum to be happy, and to be with her family, and my parents truly believe that me and my sister would have a better life and future in croatia.

so, all of this is great, right? eh, it's also fucking with me a lot.

my parents are changing so much about our lives in hopes that everything works out better for all of us. i can't just kill myself, can't just disappear when everyone around me is trying so hard to keep all of us afloat.
all of our family is going through a shit time, partially because of my mental health and how it's impacting our lives, and when they're doing they're best to fix it, it would be cruel to fuck everything up with my suicide.

the guilt i feel and the pain i'm scared i'll bring to my family if i ctb has kept me alive, and trapped. i wish i didn't feel any guilt and i could just do it.

but now, the guilt is obviously worse, because if i ctb now, when we are going to move so soon, i would fuck things up even more for those i love.

i know i'm truly lucky that i have good parents, who have done their best to make sure that i grow up to be a happy, healthy person. i am, obviously, not, but through no fault of theirs.

but, an awful part of me sometimes wishes i didn't have such a good family, because then i wouldn't constantly be going back and forth arguing with urge to ctb and my guilt of what it would do my family. if i didn't love them, or knew that they weren't good parents, it would be much easier to not feel like an evil person for ctb.

this was incredibly ramble-y and made little sense, but basically, i am glad we are moving (it gives me a little hope). BUT a huge part of me is sick of living in this limbo of being on the edge of ctb constantly, but never doing it because of guilt and fear. and now that guilt will increase, because my family are trying so hard to improve all our lives.

 

[noonipie]

it's nice, and reasonable, that youd feel resistant to ctb because of your family. and I'm really glad you have such a nice family. i think it's worth it to ride this wave and see how it turns out since things are changing. you might be in a more favorable condition soon and may feel more content in life (less inclined to ctb). hope you give it a chance!

 

[FuneralCry]

Feeling trapped in this world really can be so awful and I get that it's hard to deal with wanting to ctb yet feeling like you are unable to. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[wastingpotential]

i relate so much. i'm also meant to be moving countries soon, and the one i'm currently in isn't exactly isolating, but feels more like it just hates me and my family here, we struggle with financial problems too and are about to be kicked out of our apartment because we couldn't pay the rent, no place we've ever gone to for help has done exactly that, instead it just wasted our time or made false promises.
it's such a pain. every part of me wants to just disappear from all of it. reading your post makes me feel less alone though.

best of luck to us both

 

[Why Me?]

I understand, instead of family causing more CTB limbo, it would be my new business venture. Even if my new business venture shows some success and gives hope, it can have me stuck in this same nightmare living situation for at least another 2-3 years or more, and I could end up losing my business at anytime if something goes wrong, but my only other option is to CTB in a way that's risky and brutal. My depression & anxiety is getting worse so the business venture may not be an option anyway, either way CTB seems to be the better choice regardless, so I'm in turmoil. I've given myself a CTB date for the end of summer.

 

[TraumaEscapee:)]

Croatia is beautiful. If I was you, I would definitely move there. You seem to love the idea, your family seem to be happy with the idea and who knows, you might find the move brings everyone a significant degree of happiness. Sometimes crossing the ocean is exactly what you need. I would love to move to a different country. Give yourself a chance and experience the beauty of Croatia. Sounds amazing, the weather, the beaches, the food. I better stop because I'm getting hungry now, ha ha. My ex was half Croatian so I know a little bit =)

 

[jigsaw_falling]

I understand, instead of family causing more CTB limbo, it would be my new business venture. Even if my new business venture shows some success and gives hope, it can have me stuck in this same nightmare living situation for at least another 2-3 years or more, and I could end up losing my business at anytime if something goes wrong, but my only other option is to CTB in a way that's risky and brutal. My depression & anxiety is getting worse so the business venture may not be an option anyway, either way CTB seems to be the better choice regardless, so I'm in turmoil. I've given myself a CTB date for the end of summer.

ctb limbo is definitely awful. our reasons for staying here give us hope and potential for things to be alright, but ctb is the only option that has a clear and definite outcome. life is always uncertain, and when it's already shit, figuring out whether it's better to stay and put trust into uncertain things or to ctb is exhausting.

i hope that your business venture does go well, and that life get better for you.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's not your fault your suffering causes your family distress. But if I may be so bold as to express myself this way I think you should go and experience university and such first, even if you weren't moving. But yes if you care about minimizing distress for your family now unfortunately now would not be the optimal time to CTB.

 

[Ended-up-Failing241]

Yea I know what you mean. My parents are the same. I love them so much and they have been nothing but love for me. That's the problem though. Parent's have a hard time recovering from a child's death but suicide impacts them further. So, if I CTB, I will likely inflict worse pain on the people I love than I have ever felt. It's a shitty situation.