unsaiddes
Member
- Apr 25, 2023
- 74
As the title says, I feel like I've done everything "right" and made the changes in my life I was supposed to to find happiness, but nothing has worked. This is just a selfish rant I wanted to put into the ether because there's nobody I can say this to.
I'm a young adult who moved out of my parents' house and into an apartment with my good friend at the beginning of August. At first it felt so freeing, like I could finally do what I want and be who I want to be. Now it's mundane again. I'm still sleeping like shit, eating like shit, barely managing to be a functional adult. I have the same soul-sucking job I can't leave any time soon, as I can't risk the financial insecurity. My old CTB plan involved a lake near my parents' house; I've now spotted out a new lake near my new apartment. I don't miss living with family, but I don't even have fun now being independent. I still feel like everyone is staring at me when I go out in public, so I barely go out. My friend/roommate is a great person but I'm home alone a lot to stew in my thoughts.
I left an unfulfilling, almost two year long distance relationship about a week after moving. Less than a month later, I started dating someone I initially thought I was crazy attracted to. He's someone I've been friends with for years and have had lowkey feelings for the entire time I've known him. We're together now, and he's doing everything right. He's a funny and doting boyfriend. But my feelings for him, that excitement and desire, for some reason disappeared as soon as we became official. It's awful of me, but I'm just going through the motions of a relationship all over again. It's impossible for me to be fulfilled in one (and I've tried dating men, women, people in-between or neither, etc.) I know that means I should really swear off dating, but it's at least a break in the mundanity.
I don't know when or why I developed the kind of personality wherein the misery floods back in as soon as novelty wears off. I don't like dragging people down, being toxic or distant or flighty, but it seems that's what I've become. I'm diagnosed autistic and suspect I have some sort of personality disorder, but I know I can't use that as a crutch for being a worthless human being. I'm wasting money lying to my useless therapist that I'm doing better than ever.
I've re-engaged with and left this site multiple times. The biggest things stopping me from taking the plunge are the fear of an unsuccessful attempt, and the concern for how my loved ones will manage in the aftermath. My plan hasn't changed much from what I've posted here months ago: despite how risky and agonizing it will be, I want to go to the lake in the middle of the night, get intoxicated as fast as possible on whatever I can get my hands on, walk into the water and drown myself before I can chicken out.
I don't know when it will happen, but now that I've come to the realization that no amount of change or improvement of my circumstances will cure me of my suicidality, it doesn't seem reasonable to stay for much longer.
I'm a young adult who moved out of my parents' house and into an apartment with my good friend at the beginning of August. At first it felt so freeing, like I could finally do what I want and be who I want to be. Now it's mundane again. I'm still sleeping like shit, eating like shit, barely managing to be a functional adult. I have the same soul-sucking job I can't leave any time soon, as I can't risk the financial insecurity. My old CTB plan involved a lake near my parents' house; I've now spotted out a new lake near my new apartment. I don't miss living with family, but I don't even have fun now being independent. I still feel like everyone is staring at me when I go out in public, so I barely go out. My friend/roommate is a great person but I'm home alone a lot to stew in my thoughts.
I left an unfulfilling, almost two year long distance relationship about a week after moving. Less than a month later, I started dating someone I initially thought I was crazy attracted to. He's someone I've been friends with for years and have had lowkey feelings for the entire time I've known him. We're together now, and he's doing everything right. He's a funny and doting boyfriend. But my feelings for him, that excitement and desire, for some reason disappeared as soon as we became official. It's awful of me, but I'm just going through the motions of a relationship all over again. It's impossible for me to be fulfilled in one (and I've tried dating men, women, people in-between or neither, etc.) I know that means I should really swear off dating, but it's at least a break in the mundanity.
I don't know when or why I developed the kind of personality wherein the misery floods back in as soon as novelty wears off. I don't like dragging people down, being toxic or distant or flighty, but it seems that's what I've become. I'm diagnosed autistic and suspect I have some sort of personality disorder, but I know I can't use that as a crutch for being a worthless human being. I'm wasting money lying to my useless therapist that I'm doing better than ever.
I've re-engaged with and left this site multiple times. The biggest things stopping me from taking the plunge are the fear of an unsuccessful attempt, and the concern for how my loved ones will manage in the aftermath. My plan hasn't changed much from what I've posted here months ago: despite how risky and agonizing it will be, I want to go to the lake in the middle of the night, get intoxicated as fast as possible on whatever I can get my hands on, walk into the water and drown myself before I can chicken out.
I don't know when it will happen, but now that I've come to the realization that no amount of change or improvement of my circumstances will cure me of my suicidality, it doesn't seem reasonable to stay for much longer.
