hoppybunny
Fearer of the Future
- Jun 26, 2024
- 111
so um, i recently posted a long winded rant about moving my date and in the rant i said some really bad things that i don't really want on the internet. This is why it's important to have a journal lol. But my main point was that I was moving my date up from Oct 2026.
That point remains the same, but instead of August 2025 like i said in the post, i'll most likely do it oct 2025 on my 21st birthday, or during december with my parents aniversary.
I'm choosing those dates cause I think the worst day of my life was my birth so I want to die the day i was forcefully brought into this world. Or on the day my parents made the choice to tie the knot and eventually have me. Basically I don't want them to be happy thinking about how they brought me here without my consent.
This isn't a guaratnteed thing though. This is only if I get to those dates and I still hate being alive. If something changes like IDK, i fall in love or i find a job i really like, or i move away from them, then i probably won't go through with it.
I have a job right now, so i will be saving up to probably get a gun lisence and a gun, and enough for an uber and a one night stay at a hotel. (sorry to the poor workers). I'll try the hyperventilation method on my bed first a couple of times and if i can't get it right i'll blast my head in the bathroom(so it's easy to clean). That way I don't chicken out. If I fail in october cause I chickened out, I'll try again in december.
But yeah some things happened with my mum and I realised, I really was tired of this whole getting yelled at for dumb shit and called names on the daily. And tonight I decided to switch from my graduation to those dates because i just spent a good 20-30 minutes being told by my dad that i was wrong for getting a job and that i'm disrespecting them and undermining their authority by getting a job my mum disaproved on (i literally got a job at essentially an arcade for a good amount too). And basically it's my fault for not being calm and collected when my mum starts yelling and taking every choice i make personally. If i say more I'll get pissed and end up saying something I'll regret again. but long story short. It's my fault for not coming back to discuss with my parents after they yell at me and call me names. and that if i storm off and get angry nothing gets acomplished. But my question is why are they allowed to get angry and call me names but i have to be calm and collected. I want to get angry and yell too. And then to make matters worse my sister told them how she felt and my dad was like, "she's wrong, that's not how we are. We're very loving parents." like fucking bullshit. So my mum telling me i'm ugly, a pig and embarassing to be around is out of love? got it. i'll make sure to keep that in mind if my future partner says the same thing.
but yeah.
tldr, moving my date from october 2026, to oct/dec 2025.
Also me killing myself isn't trying to be like a stick to my parents or anything to make them suffer. They'll get over it pretty quick. my mum literally told me she wouldn't care if i killed myself because she has 4 other kids to replace me. she went on this whole thing about how she had multiple kids so she'd still be ok if one died. and how my paternal grandmother is the same cause she has 8 kids (should be 9 but one was a miscarriage unfortunately) so she's still ok even after 3 of them died. Which is such an insane thing to say.
so um it's not to prove a point. I just wanna kill myself. I do feel bad for my siblings though. I'll leave them each a note telling them i love them. I'm not really scared of hell anymore now that i've picked a date which is nice. I just need to remever to burn my stuff especially my books and art stuff and sketchbooks. and um erase all my devices. I'll leave my devices for my little brother since he's a streamer and needs better equipment. So um I hope it will help him.
That point remains the same, but instead of August 2025 like i said in the post, i'll most likely do it oct 2025 on my 21st birthday, or during december with my parents aniversary.
I'm choosing those dates cause I think the worst day of my life was my birth so I want to die the day i was forcefully brought into this world. Or on the day my parents made the choice to tie the knot and eventually have me. Basically I don't want them to be happy thinking about how they brought me here without my consent.
This isn't a guaratnteed thing though. This is only if I get to those dates and I still hate being alive. If something changes like IDK, i fall in love or i find a job i really like, or i move away from them, then i probably won't go through with it.
I have a job right now, so i will be saving up to probably get a gun lisence and a gun, and enough for an uber and a one night stay at a hotel. (sorry to the poor workers). I'll try the hyperventilation method on my bed first a couple of times and if i can't get it right i'll blast my head in the bathroom(so it's easy to clean). That way I don't chicken out. If I fail in october cause I chickened out, I'll try again in december.
But yeah some things happened with my mum and I realised, I really was tired of this whole getting yelled at for dumb shit and called names on the daily. And tonight I decided to switch from my graduation to those dates because i just spent a good 20-30 minutes being told by my dad that i was wrong for getting a job and that i'm disrespecting them and undermining their authority by getting a job my mum disaproved on (i literally got a job at essentially an arcade for a good amount too). And basically it's my fault for not being calm and collected when my mum starts yelling and taking every choice i make personally. If i say more I'll get pissed and end up saying something I'll regret again. but long story short. It's my fault for not coming back to discuss with my parents after they yell at me and call me names. and that if i storm off and get angry nothing gets acomplished. But my question is why are they allowed to get angry and call me names but i have to be calm and collected. I want to get angry and yell too. And then to make matters worse my sister told them how she felt and my dad was like, "she's wrong, that's not how we are. We're very loving parents." like fucking bullshit. So my mum telling me i'm ugly, a pig and embarassing to be around is out of love? got it. i'll make sure to keep that in mind if my future partner says the same thing.
but yeah.
tldr, moving my date from october 2026, to oct/dec 2025.
Also me killing myself isn't trying to be like a stick to my parents or anything to make them suffer. They'll get over it pretty quick. my mum literally told me she wouldn't care if i killed myself because she has 4 other kids to replace me. she went on this whole thing about how she had multiple kids so she'd still be ok if one died. and how my paternal grandmother is the same cause she has 8 kids (should be 9 but one was a miscarriage unfortunately) so she's still ok even after 3 of them died. Which is such an insane thing to say.
so um it's not to prove a point. I just wanna kill myself. I do feel bad for my siblings though. I'll leave them each a note telling them i love them. I'm not really scared of hell anymore now that i've picked a date which is nice. I just need to remever to burn my stuff especially my books and art stuff and sketchbooks. and um erase all my devices. I'll leave my devices for my little brother since he's a streamer and needs better equipment. So um I hope it will help him.
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