Venting Mourning myself

[agony1996]

Hey guys
Today is a really bad day, well everdayis bad, the pain is pure torture.I know I say this a lot but I can't get over the anger towards god, the universe, whatever is out there that is just watching us endure the our pain. My life is really sad, I've isolated myself from people, I got to the point where I can not bare to see another human being, not really because I don't want yo see them but cause I don't want them to see me.I absolutely hate myself, in every way. You guys might be shocked but I've been isolated for about 7 months, literally, the only person I see is my mother, who I live with at the age of 43 I had to move back with my mother because I was completely incapable of taking care of myself anymore due to my severe depression. It breaks my heart because she's 80 and it kills her to see me this way, she always say that the day she sees me going out and having friends will be the happiest day of her life and I know that day will never come, she deserves to be happy at her age and I'm giving her nothing but pain. She always begs me to go see my old psychiatrist, which had really helped me a few years back but now I'm absolutely sure I'm beyond help, I'm sure most of you know the feeling of knowing that you're beyond help, when you've tried everything to get better but nothing worked.
I wish so badly that I can go back to the happy years, I did have the best moments of my life but now when those memories come to mind, it hurts me so much because I know I'll never feel like that again so I don't like to remember them, I can't even hear a song from that period or see pictures of myself in those years, it's really painful, I miss those time like crazy. I feel like I'm mourning my old self.
I can't see a future and can't see the past.I know it's time to go but there are many obstacles I have to overcome, one being the pain I feel when I think about the pure agony my mother will be in when I ctb. Anyway, sorry for the rant guys I just need to let things out or I'll explode and I have no one to talk to.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

I really feels this, I'm around the same age and also living with my elderly mom and hate for her to see me like this. It's so weird how we isolate to the point of something akin to solitary confinement, something used to break prisoners. I think of it more like being a cat that's hurt and hiding to protect itself. In the grand scheme 7 months isn't so long you can't bounce back if that's what you want to do. Maybe something like a support group can help you socialize? I go to 12 step groups, there's some like codependents anonymous if you don't have a substance use problem and they're free.

I wonder if I'm picking the wound by exposing myself to things that evoke nostalgia. Do you struggle with whether you can hang around long enough to do it after she passes? I do but I also think it isn't fair to be waiting for someone to die so I try and protect myself from thinking like that.

 

[agony1996]

I really feels this, I'm around the same age and also living with my elderly mom and hate for her to see me like this. It's so weird how we isolate to the point of something akin to solitary confinement, something used to break prisoners. I think of it more like being a cat that's hurt and hiding to protect itself. In the grand scheme 7 months isn't so long you can't bounce back if that's what you want to do. Maybe something like a support group can help you socialize? I go to 12 step groups, there's some like codependents anonymous if you don't have a substance use problem and they're free.

I wonder if I'm picking the wound by exposing myself to things that evoke nostalgia. Do you struggle with whether you can hang around long enough to do it after she passes? I do but I also think it isn't fair to be waiting for someone to die so I try and protect myself from thinking like that.

Hey thank you for understanding and sorry you're going through this it's absolute torture but you're exactly right I do struggle between waiting for her to pass away and doing it now. The thing is I'm extremely sensitive and the thought of what I'm going to feel, the pain I'm going to feel when she passes away even if it's just for 5 life mins terrifies me.
But at the same time by taking like life that's the pain that she's going to feel so I feel very selfish if I ctb before she goes and also I doubt think I can make it that long.'Thank you so much for trying to guide me but I'm pretty sure I'm beyond help.,I hope it goes well for you