SinisterKid
Visionary
- Jun 1, 2019
- 2,113
Recovery, getting better, improvement, call it what you will, is becoming more difficult as the days and months roll by. I am no spring chicken.
My former self was super fit. I played 5 a side football 4 nights of the week, 2 double squash sessions a week and spent my weekends walking the coasts and hills around where I live. My disability robbed me of that. I have been back in the gym in the hope that exercise would help elevate my mood, sadly, it did nothing but exhaust me. Its not like I just went a few times either. It was a concerted effort, pushed by a physiotherapist. Swimming was part of the regimen. But since my illness, I get tired just watching someone exercise.
My diet has always been decent. Lots of variation, lots of fruit. I never was one for junk food and take away food was never more than once a month. I have managed for the most part to stay with that, although the lack of exercise now has led to some weight increase. I have since cut down on my intake and have lost 9 lbs in a month.
I have no real interests anymore. I did enjoy gaming, but its lost its sparkle. I still enjoy some reading and watching movies, but thats about it. If I get some time with the little one, I try to focus on enjoying that time, but it is limited these days. Music was once my passion, but even that is just not doing it for me now. I did write a lot of poetry, but the words just stopped coming. I cant find anything that brings me joy.
I have WRAP plans and action plans and endless lists of things that I should be doing to help in my fight against depression and anxiety. The problem now is motivation. I just have zero motivation now. I live for others, not myself. I have been guilt tripped into carrying on when I dont want to because others will be upset if I am not here. Even that lends no motivation whatsoever. I have tried so many things that I have been told to try, taken my medication, no taken my medication, done therapy, spent time on a ward and yet, here I am, on a pro choice forum with the sole intention of finding a way to bring it all to a end.
With no motivation left, a tank that has no fuel, how on earth am I meant to find the will to continue? I am just so tired now. Emotionally and physically drained and the motivation is all used up. I am really just a husk, existing for the emotional benefit of others when all I want to do is sleep. Its been 11 yrs now and nothing has got any better or improved. I cannot accept who and what I am and I cannot accept the life I am expected to live.
My former self was super fit. I played 5 a side football 4 nights of the week, 2 double squash sessions a week and spent my weekends walking the coasts and hills around where I live. My disability robbed me of that. I have been back in the gym in the hope that exercise would help elevate my mood, sadly, it did nothing but exhaust me. Its not like I just went a few times either. It was a concerted effort, pushed by a physiotherapist. Swimming was part of the regimen. But since my illness, I get tired just watching someone exercise.
My diet has always been decent. Lots of variation, lots of fruit. I never was one for junk food and take away food was never more than once a month. I have managed for the most part to stay with that, although the lack of exercise now has led to some weight increase. I have since cut down on my intake and have lost 9 lbs in a month.
I have no real interests anymore. I did enjoy gaming, but its lost its sparkle. I still enjoy some reading and watching movies, but thats about it. If I get some time with the little one, I try to focus on enjoying that time, but it is limited these days. Music was once my passion, but even that is just not doing it for me now. I did write a lot of poetry, but the words just stopped coming. I cant find anything that brings me joy.
I have WRAP plans and action plans and endless lists of things that I should be doing to help in my fight against depression and anxiety. The problem now is motivation. I just have zero motivation now. I live for others, not myself. I have been guilt tripped into carrying on when I dont want to because others will be upset if I am not here. Even that lends no motivation whatsoever. I have tried so many things that I have been told to try, taken my medication, no taken my medication, done therapy, spent time on a ward and yet, here I am, on a pro choice forum with the sole intention of finding a way to bring it all to a end.
With no motivation left, a tank that has no fuel, how on earth am I meant to find the will to continue? I am just so tired now. Emotionally and physically drained and the motivation is all used up. I am really just a husk, existing for the emotional benefit of others when all I want to do is sleep. Its been 11 yrs now and nothing has got any better or improved. I cannot accept who and what I am and I cannot accept the life I am expected to live.
