Venting Mother's Day

[Pretty_Damaged1111]

With Mother's Day coming up, I feel like I need to do this SOON. I can't endure another holiday, sitting in my room, crying because I am all alone. Especially Mother's Day.... I worked myself nearly to death... 10+ hours a day, 6 days a week to give my kids everything they demanded and not a single mistake I have made can be forgiven. I am a recovering alcoholic, but I have never been in any legal trouble, nor have I ever put my kids in any danger. I was rarely ever around because I was working so much. They both hate me, and nobody else in my family speaks to me. I am married to a narcissist who has made it his mission (along with my sister) to publicly destroy me...and they have succeeded. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I need to "Grow A Pair" and get it over with.

 

[EmmaD]

That sucks I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've been made a scapegoat for other peoples' problems.. I relate to that completely. My eldest daughter (26) doesn't talk to me due to issues which arose through my bpd. I actually feel more angry than hurt and cannot actually believe her ingratitude towards the person who brought her into this world! Your situation sounds horrible. But NEVER allow yourself to be made guilty by being a recovering alcoholic. If you're recovering be proud of that, as it's fucking hard.

 

[Pretty_Damaged1111]

That sucks I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've been made a scapegoat for other peoples' problems.. I relate to that completely. My eldest daughter (26) doesn't talk to me due to issues which arose through my bpd. I actually feel more angry than hurt and cannot actually believe her ingratitude towards the person who brought her into this world! Your situation sounds horrible. But NEVER allow yourself to be made guilty by being a recovering alcoholic. If you're recovering be proud of that, as it's fucking hard.

I am very angry with my children. Because, I do not feel like I did anything terrible. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and when I wanted to explain it to them they just accused me of making excuses for shitty behavior. I have had a shit life since I was born and vowed to never make them endure what I had to endure. But I wasn't perfect and alcohol addiction took over. I was a functioning alcoholic though. I worked everyday, made sure they had everything they wanted, drove the youngest and her friends wherever they wanted to go. When I couldn't work anymore, because of my liver disease, and I didn't have all the money to spend... I was basically discarded. I was a horrible mom and they want nothing to do with me. My mental illnesses are just excuses, in their eyes.

 

[EmmaD]

I am very angry with my children. Because, I do not feel like I did anything terrible. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and when I wanted to explain it to them they just accused me of making excuses for shitty behavior. I have had a shit life since I was born and vowed to never make them endure what I had to endure. But I wasn't perfect and alcohol addiction took over. I was a functioning alcoholic though. I worked everyday, made sure they had everything they wanted, drove the youngest and her friends wherever they wanted to go. When I couldn't work anymore, because of my liver disease, and I didn't have all the money to spend... I was basically discarded. I was a horrible mom and they want nothing to do with me. My mental illnesses are just excuses, in their eyes.

Oh my god we're so similar! When I got my bpd diagnosis suddenly my family were able to blame everything bad that ever happened in our family on me AND seem to think they have license now to dismiss my feelings as the ravings of a mad woman. They never look at the reason I have these feelings in the first place, why I'm angry and hurt..
But as far as alcohol addiction is concerned, I don't even know how anyone ever drinks in the 'healthy' range, especially with mental health issues. And especially with bpd when you're prone to self destructive behaviour and risk taking.
It sounds like you were a great mother, and did the best you could do especially with how hard having bpd makes things.
Mother's Day is hard in this situation I know. I wish you could make it a 'be kind to yourself day', try to avoid stores with ads about mothers etc and do something nice for yourself that day xx