iix.em
agony
- Mar 7, 2019
- 17
One of the things holding me back from my inevitable end is the fact that it may not work and I really don't want to be one of those fail attempts yet again once I've hit my point. Just curious on some ways that would work, preferably not messy, peaceful even if that's possible. It's something I've thought about for a while but I just want to have a plan.
personal monologue read or not I feel I need somewhere to put it..
~ Ending pain not just for me but those around me, I feel a sense of relief would come from me being gone along with the sadness. I'm not so down the hole in my life right now actually I'm quite happy with my life hoping that none of this crumbles down on me and I know that seems weird considering I'm posting this but it's been crossing my mind lately that once that comes back I want to have a better plan.
This is my last hope, I'm engaged about to do big things in my life but I seem to find myself at the end of the day thinking even fantasizing about this because my feelings are so powerful and infest themselves in the worst way possible, it's very hard to deal. To be more specific I'm not officially diagnosed for specific reasons that if i go in and get treated my plans I've built would be impossible to even do considering I have to be "clean and clear" of any issues, so no therapy, and I would let down so many people including my family and fiancé with this career path. Schizo-affective disorder seems to be the root of me and makes sense considering my mother is a paranoid schizo herself and my dad has his own fair share of anxiety and depression. Things have broken me mentally over my years with disconnected family issues and drug abuse I am most certain played a factor which I do regret to this day. My feelings coming from the bipolar 1 side and paranoia from schizo, I've done countless research and even indirectly got assurance from an old psych professor of mine that everything adds up. I am okay but I rely too much on one person who has showed me so much love but naturally I feel like I'm too much, that no one deserves to be stuck with the mess that I am especially because he deals with so much of his own, i never feel i'm enough. I'm incredibly emotional and I can't seem to figure out what my purpose is in life occupational wise, I will follow whatever it is that means my fiancé and I are together and that he is happy and supported. I do nothing for me and I'm okay with it all the way, but is that normal, I mean I've never really imagined my life beyond before I met him he actually gave me purpose? Life never meant so much to me especially after being broken down in the worst way just before him.
Why am I such a complicated and horrible human being that I always feel the need to please and apologize for my doings but can't ever seem to do it right? I feel I will never do enough and in the end everyone will realize they would've been better off not knowing me. I want everyone to be happy to the point where I will take all their baggage and shove it inside myself so that they feel a little ease. Ironic how my major is psychology but I myself am crazy, maybe I'll do something with it, if I make it that far that is. I can bounce from happy to sad (simplified) to paranoid on anything, sometimes altogether lasting hours to days. Overall my thing is that I'm tired, but i haven't given up just yet, only one thing is keeping me going which is stupid but that's just my brain. I feel that if this goes away I would hit rock bottom and I would just like a plan to just end it all in the most peaceful and effective way when it happens, because face it no one wants to or is going to deal with me their whole life it seems impossible and I wouldn't wish myself on anyone and considering my problems it's only going to get worse sadly, and there isn't exactly a cure for this.
I wish I new how to deal with this better but it seems I have no choice but to endure this for just a little longer, wish me luck and sorry for rambling if you did read thank you.
personal monologue read or not I feel I need somewhere to put it..
~ Ending pain not just for me but those around me, I feel a sense of relief would come from me being gone along with the sadness. I'm not so down the hole in my life right now actually I'm quite happy with my life hoping that none of this crumbles down on me and I know that seems weird considering I'm posting this but it's been crossing my mind lately that once that comes back I want to have a better plan.
This is my last hope, I'm engaged about to do big things in my life but I seem to find myself at the end of the day thinking even fantasizing about this because my feelings are so powerful and infest themselves in the worst way possible, it's very hard to deal. To be more specific I'm not officially diagnosed for specific reasons that if i go in and get treated my plans I've built would be impossible to even do considering I have to be "clean and clear" of any issues, so no therapy, and I would let down so many people including my family and fiancé with this career path. Schizo-affective disorder seems to be the root of me and makes sense considering my mother is a paranoid schizo herself and my dad has his own fair share of anxiety and depression. Things have broken me mentally over my years with disconnected family issues and drug abuse I am most certain played a factor which I do regret to this day. My feelings coming from the bipolar 1 side and paranoia from schizo, I've done countless research and even indirectly got assurance from an old psych professor of mine that everything adds up. I am okay but I rely too much on one person who has showed me so much love but naturally I feel like I'm too much, that no one deserves to be stuck with the mess that I am especially because he deals with so much of his own, i never feel i'm enough. I'm incredibly emotional and I can't seem to figure out what my purpose is in life occupational wise, I will follow whatever it is that means my fiancé and I are together and that he is happy and supported. I do nothing for me and I'm okay with it all the way, but is that normal, I mean I've never really imagined my life beyond before I met him he actually gave me purpose? Life never meant so much to me especially after being broken down in the worst way just before him.
Why am I such a complicated and horrible human being that I always feel the need to please and apologize for my doings but can't ever seem to do it right? I feel I will never do enough and in the end everyone will realize they would've been better off not knowing me. I want everyone to be happy to the point where I will take all their baggage and shove it inside myself so that they feel a little ease. Ironic how my major is psychology but I myself am crazy, maybe I'll do something with it, if I make it that far that is. I can bounce from happy to sad (simplified) to paranoid on anything, sometimes altogether lasting hours to days. Overall my thing is that I'm tired, but i haven't given up just yet, only one thing is keeping me going which is stupid but that's just my brain. I feel that if this goes away I would hit rock bottom and I would just like a plan to just end it all in the most peaceful and effective way when it happens, because face it no one wants to or is going to deal with me their whole life it seems impossible and I wouldn't wish myself on anyone and considering my problems it's only going to get worse sadly, and there isn't exactly a cure for this.
I wish I new how to deal with this better but it seems I have no choice but to endure this for just a little longer, wish me luck and sorry for rambling if you did read thank you.
