Venting More whining i guess.

[Livingvsdying25]

Would like to vent and not put it on anyone too much. Would like to vent to a hotline or crisis line like apparently everyone is supposed to do but... holy fuck it's so empty and fake.

I try to speak clearly. To clarify etc. Like when I'm explaining a situation and the person I'm talking to can reference a point and ask questions further from there...

Instead of just doing the glossing thing. Where they just are so impersonal. Like I'll be a bleeding heart & all they do is make some basic generalized statement.

"Its sounds like you are going through a hard time but you sound resilient. You have the skills!" With a fake voice that you can tell didn't really take in any detail.

Does what I'm saying rn make sense? Like em tsl health help can feel so shallow & fake. Like no one is even trying to listen or understand. Just give out some fake encouragement.

Like for example if I said something like "emotional scapegoat of the family"
Is it too much to ask or maybe expect some kind of follow up question like "well what does that look like? How does that feel for you" blah blah something like that.

Am I expecting too much to be able to talk to someone and actually feel like they are investing some kind of thought into what I'm saying?

Not just bouncing it off. Not just waiting for me to finish just to say something that honestly has nothing to do with what I'm saying. Encouragement is amazing I appreciate the words but omg it just feels so damn half ass.

It's so frustrating bc I try and I just. Do not want to push such heavy feeling on friends & professionals are supposed to be the ones to talk to. Ones that can handle it more or whatever. I dont feel a damn thing when I talk....

I'm trying but it's just... not right.

I do not want to just victimize myself. God dammit tho do i just need to be honest. I dont feel heard by anyone that is suppose to be listening. I'm not gonna dump it on just people that arnt or weren't trained & educated to handle some of this. But when I go to professionals it's so empty. Some are ok but honestly it's just... not enough.

I am being honest with myself. I am having feelings before I shut them down & just put blame first.

I am trying & it's not good enough. It hasn't been for a long long time. It can always be looked at as "well the obv it's me then"... I cant have that mentality bc it's not accurate nor balanced.

I'm allowed to feel hurt by things. I'm allowed to see things for how they are or at least seem to me.

God no wonder I feel so desperately alone but so empty towards changing that bc I'm trying in ways but yeah.
I may not be alone but I'm not heard and that's so desolate.

 

[Ghost2211]

The hotline is not that useful unless someone is in an acute crisis. It's in place to get people to put the knife down, not help through stuff. You're better off talking to us if You want to be heard and have a conversation.

How are you feeling this morning? Sorry, I don't recall when is your moving date?

 

[Livingvsdying25]

The hotline is not that useful unless someone is in an acute crisis. It's in place to get people to put the knife down, not help through stuff. You're better off talking to us if You want to be heard and have a conversation.

How are you feeling this morning? Sorry, I don't recall when is your moving date?

I wasn't really talking specifically about crisis hotlines. Sorry if I wasn't very clear with that. I meant professionals such as therapists workers nurses etc. Also I have access to 2 numbers I can call to talk when I need to be heard. Not crisis line per say.

I'm feeling ok but awful. Hbu?

I'm moving this weekend.

 

[Grandexit]

Those hotlines are pure shit. You either get rewarmed platitudes, or say the wrong thing and you get police and a trip to the psych ward. I believe they are on a clock, so you only get so much time to speak to the "every life is precious" call center.

It sounds like you're ready for therapy!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The worst therapist I ever had was a woman who, every time I presented a problem, would respond, "You are resilient! You can handle it!"

It's so frustrating to know one's own problems, to articulate them clearly, to seek and be motivated to change, and to not be given any tools or understanding to do so.

I've had a couple therapists make a difference, but I've found that books and peer support have been my best resources. It's hard, though, when one outgrows their peers (or therapist) and has to seek new support all over again.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Those hotlines are pure shit. You either get rewarmed platitudes, or say the wrong thing and you get police and a trip to the psych ward. I believe they are on a clock, so you only get so much time to speak to the "every life is precious" call center.

It sounds like you're ready for therapy!

Again I apologize for not being clear in my post. I was more so referring to therapy / workers / nurses etc. Professionals in general. I also have access to 2 numbers where I can call to just talk.

 

[ElMow]

Those hotlines...wow. I've called a few times. No person I ever spoke with seemed to care in any capacity, it was always some overly happy fake cheerleading from them. Do they get actual training? It's comically bad...

 

[Livingvsdying25]

The worst therapist I ever had was a woman who, every time I presented a problem, would respond, "You are resilient! You can handle it!"

It's so frustrating to know one's own problems, to articulate them clearly, to seek and be motivated to change, and to not be given any tools or understanding to do so.

I've had a couple therapists make a difference, but I've found that books and peer support have been my best resources. It's hard, though, when one outgrows their peers (or therapist) and has to seek new support all over again.

You explained it very well. sorry you can relate & hope you find what works (peer support and books are great)

 

[jgm63]

Just stay here and talk to us.
PM me anytime.....

 

[Grandexit]

Again I apologize for not being clear in my post. I was more so referring to therapy / workers / nurses etc. Professionals in general. I also have access to 2 numbers where I can call to just talk.

Maybe you haven't found the right therapy yet. Sometimes people go through a ton of them until they find one that "fits".

good news is you've got us. There are some really great people here .

 

[TAW122]

I feel ya, and yes those people IRL cannot relate nor really help with someone who is rational about wishing to CTB. In fact, there are many situations where they make things worse either by forced intervention, guilt-trips, and even just downright misunderstanding and patronizing behaviors. The only people that really understand people like us are people like us on here. We are able to have non-judgmental, honest discussions in regards to CTB and similar subjects and aren't biased nor have some agenda unlike the outside world.

 

[Ghost2211]

I wasn't really talking specifically about crisis hotlines. Sorry if I wasn't very clear with that. I meant professionals such as therapists workers nurses etc. Also I have access to 2 numbers I can call to talk when I need to be heard. Not crisis line per say.

I'm feeling ok but awful. Hbu?

I'm moving this weekend.

Therapists are not much bettersince we can't speak openly.

That's good. The weekend is right around the corner.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I just need someone here with me. My dad is coming tmrw he won't come today. I understand but had hoped he'd make some sacrifice anyway. Doesnt work like that with him though.

I really need someone here with me. I cant explain it I just fee... I dunno. I just need a physical caring presence.

I have to clean & pack but I'm weak & tired. I'm so so I dunno but crying so.

I'm sure my father & brother(if he's home) are talking about me with all the distain. Coming to agreement to avoid me. Wondering "what the fuck" is wrong with me. Saying it all with disgust & happy that they don't have to deal with it.

I started writing this earlier so I'll finish now. Hes not coming today. My brother is also ignoring me.

I talked to my Dad for a bit and it was ok I guess. So much hurt so I let some of it out. Not really enough though nothing is. I just feel ugh so disturbed personally bc I'm tired but I'm.scared and awake.

I feel hated so my.self love really yeah not strong enough when my.whole life I've been shit stuck on a show. So yeah I love myself.but all I feel is disgust. Feel like I.should hide not.speak not.bother anyone nothing. Fucking stupid.

Gets me feeling impulsive tbh a bridge might be a great idea. Always my last resort but I dunno if I wanna wait for SN/starting that process.
Could just spend a week after I move and get whatever together & then just jump.

As of right now I really dont care so. This whole weekend could not be done and over with any faster. Like I really really have been just waiting to get settled so I can focus on CTB.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm sorry they are such bullies, that they feel better about themselves by making you feel bad about yourself. I know sometimes you feel weakened by them, but inside they are the weak ones. My mother was a bully, but she never had the strength to face herself or how violent and unstable her parents were.

The weekend is almost here! I hope you can relax and feel safe in your new place.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Jesus my mom is a headcase. She's acting like I'm shit on her shoe and hiding her fucking sweater & being petty with change for laundry. Then has the NERVE to call me today to ask if I'm still feeling sick & if I want her to leave early/get me anything.

Like WHAT THE FUCK. FUCK I HATE ALL OF THEM. I HATE THEM.SOOOO FUCKING MUCH. I TRY TOO FUCKING HARD FOR THEM. ITS TOO HARD TO BE AROUND THEM AHHHHHH.


Like honestly used to it so it's kinda just uncomfortable and suspicious but jesus fuck day by day by day they fucking tire me out.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I TRY TOO FUCKING HARD FOR THEM.

This. Possible to do it just a little bit less and see how that works for you?

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Jesus my mom is a headcase. She's acting like I'm shit on her shoe and hiding her fucking sweater & being petty with change for laundry. Then has the NERVE to call me today to ask if I'm still feeling sick & if I want her to leave early/get me anything.

Like WHAT THE FUCK. FUCK I HATE ALL OF THEM. I HATE THEM.SOOOO FUCKING MUCH. I TRY TOO FUCKING HARD FOR THEM. ITS TOO HARD TO BE AROUND THEM AHHHHHH.


Like honestly used to it so it's kinda just uncomfortable and suspicious but jesus fuck day by day by day they fucking tire me out.

(My rant thread for the day so excuse the spam)

Like I called her back bc I was still crying and when to I jjst felt it and said it:

I'm tired I this. I'm tired of life and I just want to die. I just want to lay down and die.

Then I called her back and said not to respond to anything I just want to vent and such. Just started crying my eyes out and saying how I hate everything I hate being alive. I'm tired of everything. I don't deserve to be treated like shit. She should have just aborted me.
Even if she was apparently excited to have me I grew into my own person and she doesnt like me.

I'm sure her calling was just some fucking ploy to use my money or something. I dont care might just get soup and shit myself. I'm so fucking tired of everything it isnt even a joke.

At the same time it's like inside I'm also dead. I'm dead and done and nothing really matters.

I have to be careful. My mom doesn't have affiliation with my place but I gotta be careful when I feel like this and how I say it/things.

& im an idiot but I dont care who she fucking shows but I was texting her about how much I just wanted to just off this bridge. How I'm only excited to move so I can die.

Honestly after all this talking talking and writing... I was holding in so much omg & now that I've let it out I'm just fucking angry honestly.

No more tears just numb and angry. Angry at life. Annoyed at people. Fed up. But I'm moving this weekend for sure and after that I'm going to need to "try" in life. So it's just faking and I have no doubt in being able to do it just how it'll make me feel after.

I dont care. Tired & I just want it all to end. I'm sorry not sorry but I've held on so so sooo long. I'm over it. Theres so many reasons but it's also just knowing I'm done. It's done my life is done now.

I'm not moving forward to anything. Before I die I may reach a sort of comfortable state which I'll enjoy before I go but I'm not going for much and I'll be trying the bare minimum what's necessary and or expected that's it.

Wow I was keeping alot in... I think I can rest a little bit now.

This. Possible to do it just a little bit less and see how that works for you?

Alot of it is emotional labor honestly so like yes but no? Like I'm getting discarded from mom so that's done and good. But my brother and dad I still deal with and all these things I cant really fix en or get to the bottom of it or help to change it.

So it's like I can try my best but I'll probs just avoid them. Which makes my brother mad at me so i dunno honestly.

Also thnx for the replies

 

[Despondent]

I fully understand what you mean with the hotline! I think I've only ever had two genuine and good conversations where the person on the other end was actually invested in my problems. I avoid calling anymore. Thank god I found a social worker that I feel like I can fully open up to over time ❤