thrim
Member
- Jan 23, 2026
- 7
I've found it easier and far more relieving for me to air out my grievances here than anywhere else..... so!! more nonsensical rambling!!! Please disregard aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I wish it was easier for me to just... go through with it. I wish I had the guts to do literally anything but rot and allow myself to feel worse and my emotions to keep fluctuating. I don't think I will ever come to understand myself and the way that I function. I believe there is something fundamentally wrong with me, since the very moment I was conceived.
I've always dreamt about being normal. Social. Confident. I dress a little different to make up for the rest of my impression, but that's all I've got going for me. I feel that all I have ever lived with was shame.
I miss when I wasn't afraid to speak. People would reminisce about how I used to never stop talking when I was but a wee lad, and I just, don't remember that. At ALL. Until I do, and remember that I would constantly be referred to as annoying and then I just end up feeling so upset. Maybe if I hadn't learned to keep my mouth shut I would've had a better chance of at least living amongst other people instead of feeling like an outcast forever. Because all I ever do is try my best to not have to speak at all so I don't inconvenience others.
It doesn't help that I talk with my friend over voice and the only real feedback she gives me is constructive criticism. I get it, I'm just sensitive as hell and she IS right. But, like, wow!!! I'm trying so hard to get comfortable using my voice around anyone else who literally isn't just my mom. When it was put into perspective for me -- It hit me that the only person I literally physically talk to is my mom. Just how pathetic is that? And trying to call with my friend, it's like... she can just be very insensitive with what she says, I guess?
Comparing my voice to the way hers sounded when she was also doing rough herself didn't motivate me at all. What the hell was she expecting? She thought that was gonna motivate me to keep improving and it's like What the hell is wrong with you Why would you say that to someone who is already so insecure about their voice. I'm so prone to becoming demotivated and I also hate being influenced... everything just felt like rubbing salt in the wound. It irritates me so much and adds nothing but another insecurity to the list of many, another reason for why I should end my life and save everyone the grief of having to watch me fail over and over again in trying to behave like a functional member of society.
But, hey, maybe I'm imagining it all out of envy. Or maybe because I find it silly how she likes to talk to me about really small issues she has with her friends and feels alone herself, while she still has people to sit around and talk to during her classes and lunch while she is the only other person outside my family who talks to me. EVER. I understand that our struggles are different and she is allowed to have her own insecurities, but to me, it's in the same vein as the girl who's skinnier than you calling herself fat right in front of you while knowing how much you're struggling with your self image already.
I try to improve myself and heal from myself, only for my friend to absentmindedly disregard it like "yeah I still think of you as your worst/most depressed and toxic self" which maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve but when you're still trying to heal while also being ultra sensitive it's all obviously going to hurt the way you see yourself regardless if you claim it won't affect you.
Maybe I'm just thinking of myself too much, but it all feels heavily inconsiderate. And then publicly complaining makes me also feel inconsiderate. So it's a cycle. I just want to be enough, and this is just teaching me that I don't even contribute anything to anybody's life. All I seem to do is take and take and take. Take up room, spend money on things when I know I plan to leave it all behind anyway so now it's all useless garbage and a mess for everyone else to clean up. Everything keeps accumulating and eventually I'll probably take my own life in a state of hysteria which I'm honestly looking forward to at this point. I wonder what I'll end up doing. Or maybe I won't do a thing, like always. I feel like an accidental brush stroke in a painting full of cohesive and meticulous strokes. I do not belong anywhere. I never will. Maybe that is the true purpose of my life to which I have always been hoping would fall on my lap eventually.
I am my own worst critic and that will be my demise. I hate doing nothing, while also being afraid to do anything. I feel that no matter what I do, it never works out the way I hope it does.
But, I think that will be enough for tonight. Sending lots of love to everyone who are also fighting their own battles. ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)
I wish it was easier for me to just... go through with it. I wish I had the guts to do literally anything but rot and allow myself to feel worse and my emotions to keep fluctuating. I don't think I will ever come to understand myself and the way that I function. I believe there is something fundamentally wrong with me, since the very moment I was conceived.
I've always dreamt about being normal. Social. Confident. I dress a little different to make up for the rest of my impression, but that's all I've got going for me. I feel that all I have ever lived with was shame.
I miss when I wasn't afraid to speak. People would reminisce about how I used to never stop talking when I was but a wee lad, and I just, don't remember that. At ALL. Until I do, and remember that I would constantly be referred to as annoying and then I just end up feeling so upset. Maybe if I hadn't learned to keep my mouth shut I would've had a better chance of at least living amongst other people instead of feeling like an outcast forever. Because all I ever do is try my best to not have to speak at all so I don't inconvenience others.
It doesn't help that I talk with my friend over voice and the only real feedback she gives me is constructive criticism. I get it, I'm just sensitive as hell and she IS right. But, like, wow!!! I'm trying so hard to get comfortable using my voice around anyone else who literally isn't just my mom. When it was put into perspective for me -- It hit me that the only person I literally physically talk to is my mom. Just how pathetic is that? And trying to call with my friend, it's like... she can just be very insensitive with what she says, I guess?
Comparing my voice to the way hers sounded when she was also doing rough herself didn't motivate me at all. What the hell was she expecting? She thought that was gonna motivate me to keep improving and it's like What the hell is wrong with you Why would you say that to someone who is already so insecure about their voice. I'm so prone to becoming demotivated and I also hate being influenced... everything just felt like rubbing salt in the wound. It irritates me so much and adds nothing but another insecurity to the list of many, another reason for why I should end my life and save everyone the grief of having to watch me fail over and over again in trying to behave like a functional member of society.
But, hey, maybe I'm imagining it all out of envy. Or maybe because I find it silly how she likes to talk to me about really small issues she has with her friends and feels alone herself, while she still has people to sit around and talk to during her classes and lunch while she is the only other person outside my family who talks to me. EVER. I understand that our struggles are different and she is allowed to have her own insecurities, but to me, it's in the same vein as the girl who's skinnier than you calling herself fat right in front of you while knowing how much you're struggling with your self image already.
I try to improve myself and heal from myself, only for my friend to absentmindedly disregard it like "yeah I still think of you as your worst/most depressed and toxic self" which maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve but when you're still trying to heal while also being ultra sensitive it's all obviously going to hurt the way you see yourself regardless if you claim it won't affect you.
Maybe I'm just thinking of myself too much, but it all feels heavily inconsiderate. And then publicly complaining makes me also feel inconsiderate. So it's a cycle. I just want to be enough, and this is just teaching me that I don't even contribute anything to anybody's life. All I seem to do is take and take and take. Take up room, spend money on things when I know I plan to leave it all behind anyway so now it's all useless garbage and a mess for everyone else to clean up. Everything keeps accumulating and eventually I'll probably take my own life in a state of hysteria which I'm honestly looking forward to at this point. I wonder what I'll end up doing. Or maybe I won't do a thing, like always. I feel like an accidental brush stroke in a painting full of cohesive and meticulous strokes. I do not belong anywhere. I never will. Maybe that is the true purpose of my life to which I have always been hoping would fall on my lap eventually.
I am my own worst critic and that will be my demise. I hate doing nothing, while also being afraid to do anything. I feel that no matter what I do, it never works out the way I hope it does.
But, I think that will be enough for tonight. Sending lots of love to everyone who are also fighting their own battles. ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)
