I'm not sure how weird this sounds... But I've been depressed for so long and finally told everyone in my life, therapists included, that I'm too tired to keep going. They're all aware. No, they didn't lock me up. They all see the cuts and self harm scars, new and old. . .
Now every day I survive another day, I feel like I'm the girl that cried wolf, so to speak.
Anybody else have this feeling? I feel like I should get it over and done with ASAP to make the "I'm too tired" conversation seem more credible, however stupid that sounds...
No, you absolutely don't sound weird or stupid in the least. And this is a pro-choice forum, so I'm not here to talk you in off of a ledge where a good bit of us were failed by the mental health system. You even have actual, physical signs that scream what is un-screamable in any human language, in the form of cutting. I'm not going to give you a label over an Internet forum, but what you've described sounds very familiar, and it is one of my reasons for being here, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder,) which is not the same as Bipolar Disorder. I see the two mixed up all the time, and they are not the same thing. I have both, and they do share very similar features. BPD is not treatable with medication, but certain medications can make the symptoms easier to tolerate. You don't need to show every symptom to get diagnosed with one or the other, or even both. I also have PTSD, although I am not a war veteran. I was just exposed to too much trauma at a young age. The BPD has had the most devastating effect on my life and was the root cause of all of my suicide attempts. It's difficult to treat, and ironically, one of the most expensive. Some sick cosmic joke, I guess. Here's an expensive solution for the people who are the least likely to be able to maintain a steady job. And then to make it really funny....we'll be sure to classify it under the subcategory of the Diagnostic Manual for Mental Disorders that makes it impossible to be considered as having any kind of medical origin, therefore the person will automatically not qualify for disability benefits. (It's Axis II - the personality disorders - if you understand this I'm sorry because it means you've been through a special kind of hell to have figured all that out.) I'm in the US - I know many other countries are light years ahead of us in terms of humanity and healthcare, but I've been brainwashed since birth to believe the U.S. knows everything about, well, everything.
One of the last times I got desperate enough to actually call a suicide hotline, the lady started in on with the whole, have you tried...........? To which I screamed back at her do you know how much that shit costs? So she suggests I buy the workbooks on eBay and start doing the work myself. At that point I asked her if people with difficult to treat cancers are going to have to start watching YouTube videos on how to operate on themselves and hung up. (I may have told her to go fuck herself first.) Because I am SICK OF DOING THE WORK MYSELF. I have gone to too many self-help groups to count, done inpatient, I've been in studies, I've tried every medication under the sun, but I draw the line at high dose ant-psychotics, I was even willing to try the first ever anti-depressants long after Prozac and all the bullshit that followed, but only because that was the last doctor I ever truly trusted. And he truly wanted to help - believe me, no doctors are getting kick-backs from Big Pharma for pushing those drugs. Luckily, we found something safer.
My story continues, but I realize I have a really bad habit of rambling on and on on this site. I am 51, and I was a writer when I was younger. I was expected to write lot of content back then, so it's hard to break out of that. But I don't want to waste anyone's time either.
So I'll say one last thing - it was the BOY who cried wolf, remember? (This isn't a 3rd wave feminist rant, I promise.) Because back when that story was originally told it was by firelight and candlelight that weren't for ambiance, it was because people needed them or froze to death. Or they got sick of constantly stubbing their toe on the way to the outhouse. Child labor laws hadn't even been dreamt up, so parents needed a way to make sure the boys stayed awake during their shift to watch the sheep.
You aren't crying wolf, you're crying in pain. Real pain that anyone with a beating heart and a conscience could comprehend. It doesn't take a quack who couldn't pass an advanced chemistry or physics class so he decided to settle on psychology to figure out. In my book, the best therapists don't need to be M.D.s or Ph.Ds, some of the best are Licensed Social Workers. Why? Because they care more about people than about school.
I know I just broke my own rule and rambled. But I've been in therapy forever, and I was seriously abused by one and almost killed by medication twice. So I know a lot about what NOT to look for. But the least of your problems in your question is YOU. At least not at this point. People who self-harm are treated like drug-abusers. (Which I am sometimes) We get looked down upon like we're the lowest of the low, even by the people who are supposed to be helping us. So I feel like I say this to everyone, but I do really mean it, if you have questions or want to talk more, don't be afraid to PM me. Yes, at some point we have to take responsibility for ourselves. But not until we get some genuine compassion from another human being that someone wouldn't think twice about throwing a dog's way.
