Venting Money and Love

[shediedatsea]

I don't know how to say this. I don't know why i keep doing this to myself. I've lived a life full of abuse and trauma in every possible way. My life is like a living hell. I distract myself from the abuse and trauma with romance, which usually works pretty well. I don't know what happened, he told me that i have crossed a line my asking for reassurance repeatedly and he's unsure if he wants to proceed whatever we have with me. He doesn't respond to any messages and I admit, it's my own fault for getting heavily attached to people so easily. He's unsure if he even wants to see me. My suicidal thoughts have been worse than ever. I have went through multiple suicidal attempts, one which was earlier this year and landed me in the psychward, where i lied about trying to get better to the therapists there in order to leave. I used to be heavily addicted to shopping, as it helped, even if it was just temporarily. Not even shopping can get a smile on my face. I have been in therapy and had to sign a suicide prevention contract. I lie a lot about my feelings, because i'm scared of being locked up again, I just want to be gone. I push myself so hard through the pain, but for what? I just don't see the point anymore. I have never lived for myself, I only endured the pain for the people around me. But now that I have successfully scared everyone off, I feel like no one matters anymore and no one is standing in my way. I don't know how to detach myself from people, how do i stop relying on others for happiness? I'm currently making plans on how i will spend my final days and im preparing my final exit out of this misery.

 

[bankai]

I used to be heavily addicted to shopping, as it helped, even if it was just temporarily. Not even shopping can get a smile on my face.

My 2024 shopping list on Amazon had 159 ordered items. In 2025, there are just 12. No material stuff can make us happy. It's just pleasure.

And I heard someone else here say that they spent their entire money for the month on shopping in the first five days of it.They were wondering how they were going to get through the rest of the month. It's a terrible addiction. I'm going the opposite route now. Getting rid of all the unwanted stuff. Adopting a more minimalist lifestyle.

And regarding your partner? Most people can't cope with this. My mother, my family, my friends cannot. Anytime I approach the subject in a roundabout way, I'd immediately be shut down.

There's nothing wrong with attaching yourself to the right people who also care about you. But doing it too early, too soon will put off some people. You need to assess their feelings and make sure they care about you the same way before committing hard.Even then, I'm not sure some of the more normal people can understand what we feel. I'm really sorry