Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Ugh good morning. I was sleeping since about 11pm or so. It's freaking 7:30am and my brain is very "on" so to speak. Im fucking exhausted physically speaking but of course my stupid ADHD ass brain is "on"
This is so freaking annoying. Im still sleepy still too. I had some plans of doing some things today but... I don't really feel like doing anything. My brother called again yesterday & again why tho? I'll say im depressed he'll make some noise if acknowledgment and then the call will soon end. Same if I tell my friends they'll express their condolences and the convo will just step over it. So why bother mentioning anything anymore? Like seriously what is the poiint of expressing this. Even to my therapist like whats the purpose?
I just don't see it anymore. It doesn't really matter if I'm not handling this well or if this feels worse than I've felt in like a decade. It doesn't really matter either if it's just slowly but surely leading to my own suicide. I'll just avoid who I can and lie with who I can. Im horrible at lying so I'll mostly avoid. Just been telling people I'm "sick " physically bc that's always easier to digest and understand than the fact that I am depressed and suicidal.
Ate more yesterday than I have in awhile yet today I wake up and feel soo weak physically. This is what I fucking mean when im telling people like my Dad that food isn't the most important thing. So many things make it hard to eat so for me food is never the main focus. I just eat what & when I can. Plus like today it doesnt migrate or help in regards to anything physical for me so.
I'm still sleepy so but my stupid brain is on rn so needa change the media type I am listening to. So instead of space documentary change to something a little more engaging like an anime short and that should possible help me get back to sleep.
There's probably a lot of food changes that might help but bc I dunno the full scope of my physical health issues yet I'm not too sure what to change.
I keep going back and forth on it... but buying SN and getting what I need to do it might be essential. Personally again not sure how long I can last. Plus this apathy can be put to good use in regards to any method, fears, worries and hesitations etc.
Ugh. I'm really depressed. I don't wanna wake up yet nor do I think I can rn. My sleep inertia feels worse than ever. I'm not sure I can get back to sleep either.
So I either attempt to go back to sleep or I attempt to take my ADHD meds & wake up.
In one view I imagine continuing to keep these feelings from everyone in my life & eventually just CTB in the next few weeks or I tell some people & attempt to rally some supports to get me through... I'm leaning completely towards CTB. Why bother anyone anymore with my stupid problems. This world truthfully is better off without me. At least that's how I currently feel.
Ya kno that feeling where one is just dying to CTB? Where it's all you can really think of? My head is in that space but its not all I'm thinking of per say. Im thinking of the fact that I am drowning and in this pretty deeply. If I don't reach out soon I'm not gonna make it. Im also just feeling apathy and self disregard so not feeling worthy of reaching out.
Sighssss so to sum it up this next level depression is getting worse. Last time I felt like this I was like 14yrs old and got off the bus early on the way home and was determined to CTB. I didn't have the right materials and stuff at home and was naive about what it took to die but the absolute determination was there. This is what this is starting to feel like.
I can continue alone with this and end it soon or I can "reach out" which just feels pointless to me so. Maybe there's not that many options.
Anyway my eyes are barly open so physically really tired but mentally im awake so I'm not gonna torture myself by tryna get back to sleep. Just gonna take my meds now. Wake up slowly.
Do some tasks. Decide on my direction.
Or actually just go back to sleep bc oh my god do I ever just feel hit by a fucking truck rn. I think im in a flare up. I dunno why either. My ADHD meds could possibly help tho sooo I'm getting up rn. Gonna take my meds, wait for about 3 hrs ( I take my doses an hour apart so gotta wait an hour after last dose before I can have things high in vitamin C or citric acid)
So wait 3 hrs take the salt tablets and see how I feel for the day. Ughhh this depression is at an unnatural fucking level for me.
Anyway those are my thoughts and direction for today... probs doing stuff to keep myself alive at this point it really is coming to close call with things. But I won't tell anyone in my life. Its pointless. And I don't wanna be demoted even more.
This is so freaking annoying. Im still sleepy still too. I had some plans of doing some things today but... I don't really feel like doing anything. My brother called again yesterday & again why tho? I'll say im depressed he'll make some noise if acknowledgment and then the call will soon end. Same if I tell my friends they'll express their condolences and the convo will just step over it. So why bother mentioning anything anymore? Like seriously what is the poiint of expressing this. Even to my therapist like whats the purpose?
I just don't see it anymore. It doesn't really matter if I'm not handling this well or if this feels worse than I've felt in like a decade. It doesn't really matter either if it's just slowly but surely leading to my own suicide. I'll just avoid who I can and lie with who I can. Im horrible at lying so I'll mostly avoid. Just been telling people I'm "sick " physically bc that's always easier to digest and understand than the fact that I am depressed and suicidal.
Ate more yesterday than I have in awhile yet today I wake up and feel soo weak physically. This is what I fucking mean when im telling people like my Dad that food isn't the most important thing. So many things make it hard to eat so for me food is never the main focus. I just eat what & when I can. Plus like today it doesnt migrate or help in regards to anything physical for me so.
I'm still sleepy so but my stupid brain is on rn so needa change the media type I am listening to. So instead of space documentary change to something a little more engaging like an anime short and that should possible help me get back to sleep.
There's probably a lot of food changes that might help but bc I dunno the full scope of my physical health issues yet I'm not too sure what to change.
I keep going back and forth on it... but buying SN and getting what I need to do it might be essential. Personally again not sure how long I can last. Plus this apathy can be put to good use in regards to any method, fears, worries and hesitations etc.
Ugh. I'm really depressed. I don't wanna wake up yet nor do I think I can rn. My sleep inertia feels worse than ever. I'm not sure I can get back to sleep either.
So I either attempt to go back to sleep or I attempt to take my ADHD meds & wake up.
In one view I imagine continuing to keep these feelings from everyone in my life & eventually just CTB in the next few weeks or I tell some people & attempt to rally some supports to get me through... I'm leaning completely towards CTB. Why bother anyone anymore with my stupid problems. This world truthfully is better off without me. At least that's how I currently feel.
Ya kno that feeling where one is just dying to CTB? Where it's all you can really think of? My head is in that space but its not all I'm thinking of per say. Im thinking of the fact that I am drowning and in this pretty deeply. If I don't reach out soon I'm not gonna make it. Im also just feeling apathy and self disregard so not feeling worthy of reaching out.
Sighssss so to sum it up this next level depression is getting worse. Last time I felt like this I was like 14yrs old and got off the bus early on the way home and was determined to CTB. I didn't have the right materials and stuff at home and was naive about what it took to die but the absolute determination was there. This is what this is starting to feel like.
I can continue alone with this and end it soon or I can "reach out" which just feels pointless to me so. Maybe there's not that many options.
Anyway my eyes are barly open so physically really tired but mentally im awake so I'm not gonna torture myself by tryna get back to sleep. Just gonna take my meds now. Wake up slowly.
Do some tasks. Decide on my direction.
Or actually just go back to sleep bc oh my god do I ever just feel hit by a fucking truck rn. I think im in a flare up. I dunno why either. My ADHD meds could possibly help tho sooo I'm getting up rn. Gonna take my meds, wait for about 3 hrs ( I take my doses an hour apart so gotta wait an hour after last dose before I can have things high in vitamin C or citric acid)
So wait 3 hrs take the salt tablets and see how I feel for the day. Ughhh this depression is at an unnatural fucking level for me.
Anyway those are my thoughts and direction for today... probs doing stuff to keep myself alive at this point it really is coming to close call with things. But I won't tell anyone in my life. Its pointless. And I don't wanna be demoted even more.
