Venting Mom told me I was faking my depression..

[NorthAmericanQc]

Some months ago. My mom told me right in my face that I was faking my depression, to not get a job, move from home, going out, etc

Once I told her I was feeling like killing myself. She told me to pack my stuffs and leave the fuck out. (I didn't.) I was desperately searching for help. I thought I could trust her. I tried many times to give her chances, but every time she destroyed me a little more when I needed her. We always end up fighting and arguing. She's always right obviously, I'm always in the wrong. (sarcasm)

today big event happened (My girlfriend stole my SN thread), and my mom saw how down I was.

You know what?? She was all sweet the whole time she wanted the bottle. After they got it, she was pushing my buttons again, making me pump, she was mean. My girlfriend noticed.

I hate her for not believing me and diminishing my feelings. She was always comparing to herself, me me me me past experiences, shut the fuck up. Every experiences and person are different.

It's so fucking egoistic.. That I have to continue to live and suffer, for their own pleasure and make them happy. I just wanna die.

I cried so much today. I never cried that much before in my life.

When my girlfriend drove me back at her home, I cried the whole time, and the whole evening, and in bed.. (I went to sleep downstairs, she's snoring.) I told her how much I'm pissed at her as well, for doing what she did.

She told me we will take our time and then find a job, and an apartment for me. I don't want any of this. I just wanna end everything. I feel like an empty shell at the moment.

I love her.. I really do.. But I kinda wanna leave her as well.. Not returning home either. I don't even know where I would go. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm even more trapped then before.

Also I just contacted my mom on messenger, to send back in her face all the shits she told me before.

I'll go sleep soon. I'll read y'all answers.

 

[NorthAmericanQc]

I can't sleep :(
I don't feel good at all.
New plan.. Tomorrow morning after my girlfriend is leaving for work. I'm packing my stuffs, taking her ketamine just like she took my SN. Going back home. I'll snort that ketamine. Probably won't OD. But enough to maybe be paralysed. Or very anesthesiate. I'll leave her key in an envelop in the mail box.

Me and my parents will probably argue, I don't know.

I'm feeling self destructive. More than ever.

I don't know what's rational and irrational at this point. I can't differenciate good from bad decisions.

 

[Welcumtotherealworld]

Don't risk od'ing and just ending up as a veggie. Your mother, just like mine will regret the rest of their lives after we're dead.

 

[KupoCometh]

Some months ago. My mom told me right in my face that I was faking my depression, to not get a job, move from home, going out, etc

Once I told her I was feeling like killing myself. She told me to pack my stuffs and leave the fuck out. (I didn't.) I was desperately searching for help. I thought I could trust her. I tried many times to give her chances, but every time she destroyed me a little more when I needed her. We always end up fighting and arguing. She's always right obviously, I'm always in the wrong. (sarcasm)

today big event happened (My girlfriend stole my SN thread), and my mom saw how down I was.

You know what?? She was all sweet the whole time she wanted the bottle. After they got it, she was pushing my buttons again, making me pump, she was mean. My girlfriend noticed.

I hate her for not believing me and diminishing my feelings. She was always comparing to herself, me me me me past experiences, shut the fuck up. Every experiences and person are different.

It's so fucking egoistic.. That I have to continue to live and suffer, for their own pleasure and make them happy. I just wanna die.

I cried so much today. I never cried that much before in my life.

When my girlfriend drove me back at her home, I cried the whole time, and the whole evening, and in bed.. (I went to sleep downstairs, she's snoring.) I told her how much I'm pissed at her as well, for doing what she did.

She told me we will take our time and then find a job, and an apartment for me. I don't want any of this. I just wanna end everything. I feel like an empty shell at the moment.

I love her.. I really do.. But I kinda wanna leave her as well.. Not returning home either. I don't even know where I would go. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm even more trapped then before.

Also I just contacted my mom on messenger, to send back in her face all the shits she told me before.

I'll go sleep soon. I'll read y'all answers.

Your mum sounds like a narcissist, it's really just shitty luck of the draw but 98% of them are uncaring monsters who only care about other people if they can provide something to them; in their eyes, everyone else is out to get them because they're the kind of scheming cunts who's out to get everyone else.

They're mentally degenerate and can't process things like normal empathetic people, if you let them they'll manipulate you.

My advice would be to try to take some solace in that you probably haven't done anything too bad in your life and that your mother, who is supposed to be your provider of comfort and unconditional love is a monster. Cutting her out of your life would probably be for the best, but I know we can't all be lucky.
The second best thing you can do to protect your mental health is to remind yourself she's a mentally ill demon and that any blame she throws your way is to make you feel bad and weak, so she has an easier time manipulating you

I understand if a lifetime of neglect has left you in despair, but your mother doesn't get to define your life's happiness

I'd say certainly try cutting her out of your life and see if things get brighter, before your decide to switch the light off for good; but that's just my 2 cents

 

[Trulysorry]

I'm sorry your going through this. Try to take some time to collect yourself and your thoughts and move on from there. Things may improve with your mother... things may improve in general.. either way you know where you can find a community of people who are here for you

 

[dysfunctional]

That's the terrible thing about serious depression. People that don't understand it can't possibly understand how it feels. Way different than feeling just down or sad.

 

[21Neberg]

I can't sleep :(
I don't feel good at all.
New plan.. Tomorrow morning after my girlfriend is leaving for work. I'm packing my stuffs, taking her ketamine just like she took my SN. Going back home. I'll snort that ketamine. Probably won't OD. But enough to maybe be paralysed. Or very anesthesiate. I'll leave her key in an envelop in the mail box.

Me and my parents will probably argue, I don't know.

I'm feeling self destructive. More than ever.

I don't know what's rational and irrational at this point. I can't differenciate good from bad decisions.

I'm so sorry your mother is such a horrible person when confronted with depression. Some people will just never understand, it's something we all have to deal with. I don't think you should try to paralyze yourself though, you're only making yourself suffer more. Even though you don't deserve anymore suffering.

 

[Roberto]

You can ask your mother to let you see a psychologist and let him examine you. The therapist can see if you are depressed or other thing. He will know better than your mother.