Venting Mom of 2

[k!tten2423]

Hello. I'm new here. I think the biggest thing on my mind is wanting to CTB but having kids….and I'm sure it has been discussed, but I'd like to put my own out there and see what I get. I have wanted to end it since probably about 6th grade. Been to many many therapists. Was once on suicide watch for a night. And it's like anything I say or do doesn't matter….and now I have two boys. Wonderful boys…yet I still feel this way. Why? I thought maybe after having even just my first I could idk somehow be better…I have lots of help. They're dad is in the picture but we're not living with him and it's kinda rocky….my life isn't horrible. I have an amazing family. Amazing kids. So much support in all I do. Yet I still feel this way…why?

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in and it must be hard to deal with. But anyway, I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[nopointinlife]

I too have two kids and want to ctb. For me, it's because of the constant worry of the past, present, and future and the shit stress that life throws at me. I thought falling off the wagon would help, but other than the few hours of being buzzed, drinking only makes the ctb urges worse than ever. My kids are going through their terrible teens phases now, and knowing the lifelong shame and irreversible devastation my ctb would cause them prevents me from doing so…despite them pissing me off so fucking much at times. Check out the Recovery section of SaSu for some interesting threads for a lighter perspective to help you figure out why you have ctb feelings.

 

[k!tten2423]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in and it must be hard to deal with. But anyway, I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

Thank you

I too have two kids and want to ctb. For me, it's because of the constant worry of the past, present, and future and the shit stress that life throws at me. I thought falling off the wagon would help, but other than the few hours of being buzzed, drinking only makes the ctb urges worse than ever. My kids are going through their terrible teens phases now, and knowing the lifelong shame and irreversible devastation my ctb would cause them prevents me from doing so…despite them pissing me off so fucking much at times. Check out the Recovery section of SaSu for some interesting threads for a lighter perspective to help you figure out why you have ctb feelings.

Yea I drink and it always just makes things worse….my kids are still littles. One will soon be 3 and the other is 1. Thank you for the Suggestion

 

[enviro400mmc]

It's funny how your life is so different to mine yet so similar at the same time. It's so hard living a life where you can't help but feel an obligation to be happy yet you can't even muster up the will to live.

 

[Givenuponlife]

Hello. I'm new here. I think the biggest thing on my mind is wanting to CTB but having kids….and I'm sure it has been discussed, but I'd like to put my own out there and see what I get. I have wanted to end it since probably about 6th grade. Been to many many therapists. Was once on suicide watch for a night. And it's like anything I say or do doesn't matter….and now I have two boys. Wonderful boys…yet I still feel this way. Why? I thought maybe after having even just my first I could idk somehow be better…I have lots of help. They're dad is in the picture but we're not living with him and it's kinda rocky….my life isn't horrible. I have an amazing family. Amazing kids. So much support in all I do. Yet I still feel this way…why?

I hope you and your boys will have a happier 2023. I can't speak with authority regarding your situation (especially as I've no kids), but do you have an idea as to what causes your desire to CTB?

 

[k!tten2423]

I hope you and your boys will have a happier 2023. I can't speak with authority regarding your situation (especially as I've no kids), but do you have an idea as to what causes your desire to CTB?

I'm not exactly sure. I'm thinking childhood trauma that I've never really gone into. :/

It's funny how your life is so different to mine yet so similar at the same time. It's so hard living a life where you can't help but feel an obligation to be happy yet you can't even muster up the will to live.

Seriously though.! It's exhausting.!

 

[tiredone]

Dad of 2 here. I know how it feels to be empty and only thing stopping me from ctb is the kids. Its exhausting suffering. Exactly same thoughts about messing them up even more because of ctb. Trapped and tired. I feel for you. You are not alone.

 

[k!tten2423]

Dad of 2 here. I know how it feels to be empty and only thing stopping me from ctb is the kids. Its exhausting suffering. Exactly same thoughts about messing them up even more because of ctb. Trapped and tired. I feel for you. You are not alone.

I'm glad to know I'm not alone and it can also be dads as well. Not just moms. It's very exhausting. And definitely idk how they would take it if I CBT….I'm afraid to leave them…

 

[Sister of the Moon]

I'm a mother of two boys and also have two grandchildren. They are part of the reason I stay alive. I have a massive responsibility to them to not mess their lives up with trauma. And I know first-hand how ctb causes trauma for those left behind. It doesn't mean the thoughts and urges aren't there though. Just not as inclined to act on them.

 

[k!tten2423]

I'm a mother of two boys and also have two grandchildren. They are part of the reason I stay alive. I have a massive responsibility to them to not mess their lives up with trauma. And I know first-hand how ctb causes trauma for those left behind. It doesn't mean the thoughts and urges aren't there though. Just not as inclined to act on them.

I understand. I don't think that I plan on anything at least any time soon because of them. I just can't

 

[membo]

knowing the lifelong shame and irreversible devastation my ctb would cause them prevents me from doing so…despite them pissing me off so fucking much at times

Dad of 2 here. I know how it feels to be empty and only thing stopping me from ctb is the kids. Its exhausting suffering. Exactly same thoughts about messing them up even more because of ctb. Trapped and tired. I feel for you. You are not alone.

Another dad of 2 here. I can relate.

Here it's all the masking that's hard and exhausting. Needing energy to go out and smile and laugh and be bright for them. Trying to mess them up as little as possible. It's not that I don't like them. I mean. I have anhedonia and feel pretty emotionally dead so I don't have feelings for anyone or anything. But gotta go put on the smile face, laugh, think and ask questions to show interest. And a deep part of me cares for them, but it just doesn't give any upper layers the energy or joy following through with the actions.

To avoid worsening their situation is definitely the only reason I'm still around.

 

[k!tten2423]

Another dad of 2 here. I can relate.

Here it's all the masking that's hard and exhausting. Needing energy to go out and smile and laugh and be bright for them. Trying to mess them up as little as possible. It's not that I don't like them. I mean. I have anhedonia and feel pretty emotionally dead so I don't have feelings for anyone or anything. But gotta go put on the smile face, laugh, think and ask questions to show interest. And a deep part of me cares for them, but it just doesn't give any upper layers the energy or joy following through with the actions.

To avoid worsening their situation is definitely the only reason I'm still around.

Masking is definitely hard. Or for me trying not to be so emotional so I'm not constantly crying all the time. Because if I could I would…I'm not sure what anhedonia is. I've never heard of that. Can you explain?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I can't imagine what it's like to have to deal with this pain while still having the kind of responsibility you have. Don't blame yourself for feeling this way despite having wonderful children. There's no reason why anyone should be enough to eliminate these types of feelings, sadly. Are there any areas in life you feel unsatisfied with?

 

[tiredone]

Another dad of 2 here. I can relate.

Here it's all the masking that's hard and exhausting. Needing energy to go out and smile and laugh and be bright for them. Trying to mess them up as little as possible. It's not that I don't like them. I mean. I have anhedonia and feel pretty emotionally dead so I don't have feelings for anyone or anything. But gotta go put on the smile face, laugh, think and ask questions to show interest. And a deep part of me cares for them, but it just doesn't give any upper layers the energy or joy following through with the actions.

To avoid worsening their situation is definitely the only reason I'm still around.

Its good to know there are others, although it does not make it easier. Just wishing everyday to die suddenly, in sleep or whatever to end this suffering and not to scar them for life. Its so messed up that i want to scream and cry but cannot. I push down all of that and its just eating me from inside. Meds dont help enough and i am scared of life, people, future and i dont know what to do. Dont even have energy to do anything. Just rotting away hoping for an end that will not come. Really wish someone would just end me since i want but cant do it myself.

 

[k!tten2423]

Its good to know there are others, although it does not make it easier. Just wishing everyday to die suddenly, in sleep or whatever to end this suffering and not to scar them for life. Its so messed up that i want to scream and cry but cannot. I push down all of that and its just eating me from inside. Meds dont help enough and i am scared of life, people, future and i dont know what to do. Dont even have energy to do anything. Just rotting away hoping for an end that will not come. Really wish someone would just end me since i want but cant do it myself.

Yea I think my biggest one is I always wish a really bad car accident would happen or something cuz I'm too chicken to CTB myself lol

I can't imagine what it's like to have to deal with this pain while still having the kind of responsibility you have. Don't blame yourself for feeling this way despite having wonderful children. There's no reason why anyone should be enough to eliminate these types of feelings, sadly. Are there any areas in life you feel unsatisfied with?

A bunch. My work life, physical, a bunch of things

 

[membo]

Masking is definitely hard. Or for me trying not to be so emotional so I'm not constantly crying all the time. Because if I could I would…I'm not sure what anhedonia is. I've never heard of that. Can you explain?

Keeping emotions in like that must be hard too.

Anhedonia is the typical depression symtom of 'nothing is fun', but can be caused by a number of things https://www.webmd.com/depression/what-is-anhedonia
. Basically nothing gives joy or positive feelings.

 

[Reallysad]

Hello. I'm new here. I think the biggest thing on my mind is wanting to CTB but having kids….and I'm sure it has been discussed, but I'd like to put my own out there and see what I get. I have wanted to end it since probably about 6th grade. Been to many many therapists. Was once on suicide watch for a night. And it's like anything I say or do doesn't matter….and now I have two boys. Wonderful boys…yet I still feel this way. Why? I thought maybe after having even just my first I could idk somehow be better…I have lots of help. They're dad is in the picture but we're not living with him and it's kinda rocky….my life isn't horrible. I have an amazing family. Amazing kids. So much support in all I do. Yet I still feel this way…why?

I'm going thru this just had twins and she hates me.I just want out as she will go with somebody else and don't want my twins with somebody else at 5months old

 

[k!tten2423]

Keeping emotions in like that must be hard too.

Anhedonia is the typical depression symtom of 'nothing is fun', but can be caused by a number of things https://www.webmd.com/depression/what-is-anhedonia
. Basically nothing gives joy or positive feelings.

Ah ok I see. Thank you

I'm going thru this just had twins and she hates me.I just want out as she will go with somebody else and don't want my twins with somebody else at 5months old

Yea I definitely get that :/

 

[TheGreatEscape]

I also have children and would be gone if not for them. I'm sure I would have ctb already, but if not I'd do it tonight or tomorrow or later this week.

They have a great mom and would manage without me, but it would be a shitty thing to do and certainly make their life worse.

I did take out a very large life insurance policy and do live life in a riskier manner than someone without a death wish would.

OP, I hope 2023 is a better year for you and your boys.

 

[k!tten2423]

I also have children and would be gone if not for them. I'm sure I would have ctb already, but if not I'd do it tonight or tomorrow or later this week.

They have a great mom and would manage without me, but it would be a shitty thing to do and certainly make their life worse.

I did take out a very large life insurance policy and do live life in a riskier manner than someone without a death wish would.

OP, I hope 2023 is a better year for you and your boys.

I'm definitely still here because of them and will be for a long time even tho I don't like it I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Thank you. Maybe this year will be better.