Help Mom is weeping hysterically, I told her I will shoot myself

[siray]

I am so broken inside I want to just hug my mom and tell her she'll be much happier if I was dead but she just can't stop crying tears, I feel extreme sadness at having done this to her, but I just had to prevent her from going into shock and maybe she may die from heart attack when she hears the news of my dead body being found on the rooftop of my building.

She spoke broken words to me, feels like she's having difficulty speaking as her throat aches from all that crying hysterically, she said she will die if I kill myself, or she'll live a tortured life as long as she's alive.

I then went to my room and locked, and she knocked after 20 minutes, she brought me a bowl of fruits and embraced me in her arms while tears ran down her cheeks, and she had packed her jewellery in a bag and gave it to me, she said go sell it and keep all the money and save your life, go live in another city but don't harm yourself and eat 3 healthy meals daily and call me on phone at least once a week so I hear your voice and tell you how much I love you my firstborn son, you are my baby and I won't let you die, and she just kept crying while saying this to me.

My heart has been broken into a thousand pieces, I can't move my soul has been paralyzed by what she said. She's even making omelette for me now, and she said she will give me more money, she said she'll look into her cupboard for cash.

OH GOD PLEASE MAKE THIS PAIN STOP I might choke on my extreme sorrow, I love her so much, but I can't keep on living in my ugly body, I have severe body dysmorphia and my upper back has irreversible skeletal deformity it hurts so bad I can't sleep all night I'm in neverending agony, I haven't felt calm in years.

There is no intelligent overseer, no god, no afterlife and all religious faith is delusion that people believe to make this tortured existence bearable for themselves, I'm condemned to this fleshly prison by blind necessity and chance, no one and nothing can be blamed for this tragedy because it always was meaningless agony to be alive in a conscious meat bone torture cell, it always was blind will that strives and creates more and more pain and suffering for an eternity.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Unfortunately this is the likely outcome when suicidal ideation is expressed aloud. I would never do this because my desire to die doesn't hinge on people showing care for me or not. I feel for you though, as having someone essentially beg for me to stay alive would make everything worse. I still sanction your suicide.

 

[Belljar]

I have a loving mom too and it makes it so hard to go through with it. It's heartbreaking and you feel so trapped.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

Man. I told you telling your mom was a bad idea. I'm sorry. The times I've talked to my mom about my plans have been brutal. Theres no winning for those of us who want to leave this world. I have people in my life that I love and it kills me that I will have to surprise them with my death if I want any chance of pulling it off successfully. Otherwise this is the kind of shit that happens.

 

[siray]

Unfortunately this is the likely outcome when suicidal ideation is expressed aloud. I would never do this because my desire to die doesn't hinge on people showing care for me or not. I feel for you though, as having someone essentially beg for me to stay alive would make everything worse. I still sanction your suicide.

Thanks for your consolation, I will have to be a stranger to myself and cold heartedly go through with my ctb plans, though my last days alive will give me uncontrollable nausea and sorrow but I'll just do anything to end my suffering.

I just wish I wasn't so feeble and empathetic towards my mom, it makes shooting myself almost impossible, as I know for a fact my mom won't live when she hears of my death, or she will lose her mind and never recover her sanity, I've seen this happen to a relative of my mom's, she lost her young son to cancer and she went mad and had to be on strong sedatives otherwise she harms herself and pulls out her hair.

I'll watch true detective season 1, Rust Cohle's philosophy of pessimism touched me deeply, I'll numb myself and hopefully be disillusioned with the reality of existence so that I can find the strength to do what I need to do.

 

[Shadowplay]

Thanks for your consolation, I will have to be a stranger to myself and cold heartedly go through with my ctb plans, though my last days alive will give me uncontrollable nausea and sorrow but I'll just do anything to end my suffering.

I just wish I wasn't so feeble and empathetic towards my mom, it makes shooting myself almost impossible, as I know for a fact my mom won't live when she hears of my death, or she will lose her mind and never recover her sanity, I've seen this happen to a relative of my mom's, she lost her young son to cancer and she went mad and had to be on strong sedatives otherwise she harms herself and pulls out her hair.

I'll watch true detective season 1, Rust Cohle's philosophy of pessimism touched me deeply, I'll numb myself and hopefully be disillusioned with the reality of existence so that I can find the strength to do what I need to do.

I'm not trying to guilt trip you or anything, but this is the single most heart wrenching thing I have read on this site by a country mile or 50. Perhaps it is good to bring home the reality of suicide. I wish you peace no matter what you choose - your suffering is obvious.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Thanks for your consolation, I will have to be a stranger to myself and cold heartedly go through with my ctb plans, though my last days alive will give me uncontrollable nausea and sorrow but I'll just do anything to end my suffering.

I just wish I wasn't so feeble and empathetic towards my mom, it makes shooting myself almost impossible, as I know for a fact my mom won't live when she hears of my death, or she will lose her mind and never recover her sanity, I've seen this happen to a relative of my mom's, she lost her young son to cancer and she went mad and had to be on strong sedatives otherwise she harms herself and pulls out her hair.

I'll watch true detective season 1, Rust Cohle's philosophy of pessimism touched me deeply, I'll numb myself and hopefully be disillusioned with the reality of existence so that I can find the strength to do what I need to do.

Notice my profile quote is from Rust? The show was in complete harmony with my inner agony.

Remember that you did not ask to be born into this, and it is your right to decide to live or die. I hope you find the strength you are looking for. All love.

 

[flagmaster]

I am so sorry for you and your mother.

You will always be the most precious thing in the World to her and that's a beautiful thing.

It's a shame that life is constructed to be cruel where so much suffering exists. There are illnesses, diseases and causes for our demise awaiting us all, it's just a matter of when they will occur. Nobody gets out alive and everyone has to manage losses during this twisted existence. People can be suddenly taken from us or it can be a prolonged humiliating deterioration where you slowly witness loved ones losing their functionality and character until there's nothing left. There is no justice. None of this 'design' is our fault

It's a shame on top of everything else we also bare the weight of guilt that we would cause others by taking our own life. Even though there was no binding contract made or any consent to be here in the first place. Seeing life for what it is makes everything meaningless.

Once the brain is dead everything stops. Everything you've ever known or would of known if you lived a day longer does not matter anymore. The story is over and there's no more weight or suffering. Sometimes that brings me comfort. Everything has an end.

If your mother knew you internally would she want you to suffer for longer? Likewise, how would you react if your mother said that she wanted to shoot herself?

Do you feel like you've done everything you can in sense for recovery? If you're gonna go through with anything please don't do it irrationally. Try and make sense of it all first. I'm at this point myself and I'm getting all my thoughts documented in a sound rational manner so those who know me will not feel as much pain knowing there wasn't anything they could of done to prevent it from happening.

I think it's sensible for you to talk to your mum about this. Could not have been easy

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course suicide will mean those left behind will suffer and that is inevitable. It sounds very painful what you had to go through. I wish you the best, and I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering. Life really is so horrible.

 

[justsurrender]

Isn't that the cruelest when it comes to suicide? It relieves the pain for the one ctbing, but it multiplies it for those that love them, even might make them consider it too. Which just spreads suicidal ideation like a disease

 

[Insomniac]

I truly admire suicidal people who still love and respect their parents.

 

[siray]

I'm not trying to guilt trip you or anything, but this is the single most heart wrenching thing I have read on this site by a country mile or 50. Perhaps it is good to bring home the reality of suicide. I wish you peace no matter what you choose - your suffering is obvious.

Yeah I just had to pour my heart out otherwise I would've imploded with excess emotion, the people on this site write so dispassionately it makes them seem half dead already, their will to live long-lost and that they won't hesitate before doing ctb, I almost envy them for seeming like they have accepted the sweet embrace of death and will carry out their ctb method with the cold hearted efficacy of a soldier eliminating an enemy, but the truth is those who live with their parents find it excruciatingly hard to let go of empathy.

Most people don't write emotional details of their inner conflict of judgements and psychological anarchy that inevitably engulfs the mind of a person who is determined to end their lives, and perhaps that's a good thing, lest they get second thoughts that make their carrying-out of method much more difficult, as emotional expression with fellow humans makes it all the more difficult to let go and accept non-existence.

Notice my profile quote is from Rust? The show was in complete harmony with my inner agony.

Remember that you did not ask to be born into this, and it is your right to decide to live or die. I hope you find the strength you are looking for. All love.

Rust Cohle speaks to my soul, it's great to find a fellow true detective lover, Rust's quotes are out of this world. I often quote in my head his insight on dead bodies, 'They welcomed it...not at first, but in those last moments, they saw for the very first time what they were...it's an unmistakable relief...'.

'Consciousness was a tragic misstep in human evolution, we became too self aware, nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself...'

I am so sorry for you and your mother.

You will always be the most precious thing in the World to her and that's a beautiful thing.

It's a shame that life is constructed to be cruel where so much suffering exists. There are illnesses, diseases and causes for our demise awaiting us all, it's just a matter of when they will occur. Nobody gets out alive and everyone has to manage losses during this twisted existence. People can be suddenly taken from us or it can be a prolonged humiliating deterioration where you slowly witness loved ones losing their functionality and character until there's nothing left. There is no justice. None of this 'design' is our fault

It's a shame on top of everything else we also bare the weight of guilt that we would cause others by taking our own life. Even though there was no binding contract made or any consent to be here in the first place. Seeing life for what it is makes everything meaningless.

Once the brain is dead everything stops. Everything you've ever known or would of known if you lived a day longer does not matter anymore. The story is over and there's no more weight or suffering. Sometimes that brings me comfort. Everything has an end.

If your mother knew you internally would she want you to suffer for longer? Likewise, how would you react if your mother said that she wanted to shoot herself?

Do you feel like you've done everything you can in sense for recovery? If you're gonna go through with anything please don't do it irrationally. Try and make sense of it all first. I'm at this point myself and I'm getting all my thoughts documented in a sound rational manner so those who know me will not feel as much pain knowing there wasn't anything they could of done to prevent it from happening.

I think it's sensible for you to talk to your mum about this. Could not have been easy

Thank you so much dear sir for your consoling words, your eloquence is heartwarming, especially what you say about existence being nonconsensual and meaningless cruelty rampant in this despicable strife of blind will, I loved reading your insight.

If my mother knew how deeply I've been suffering and she experienced it firsthand, she would still want to keep on living as she's muslim and believes god doesn't give a human more suffering that he can bear, that this world is just a 'veil' and true Being is in afterlife where we will be rewarded for virtue or burned in hell for our sins, and that suicide is unforgivable, she harbours lot of primitive superstitions that ancient religions have spewed, she's just another brainwashed victim of slave morality not very different from the fundamental teachings of Christianity.

If my mother told me she wants to take her own life due to physiological pain, I would beg her to seek medical help and if nothing works, I would have the doctor prescribe strong sedatives like opium and it's derivatives. But if her suffering was psychological, and therapy didn't work for her, I would permit her to take her own life as I really cannot watch her suffer, she's such a kindhearted woman, she never hurt a soul and always is compassionate towards all people, but I have a brother and sister and I would beg my mom to consider living for them as my siblings would be devastated by her death and our life would be sorrowful without her.

I certainly won't ctb irrationally, will make sense and with a clear head I'll ask myself whether I can't give myself the chance to move to another city and maybe do drugs to numb my pain and distract myself with a small job, I'll certainly exhaust all these options before doing ctb. Thank you again for your heartwarming words.

Isn't that the cruelest when it comes to suicide? It relieves the pain for the one ctbing, but it multiplies it for those that love them, even might make them consider it too. Which just spreads suicidal ideation like a disease

So true, this world is hell and existence is a disease, all this meaningless torture and all the screams and agonies of sufferers are silent gasps in the air which come to no account as there is nothing that could give an explanation, can't even end this fleshly life without multiplying exponentially the sorrow for my parents and siblings, they will be condemned to a life of grief and neverending misery.

 

[blueclover_.]

I truly admire suicidal people who still love and respect their parents.

Depends on the parents.

 

[lonewolf22]

I want to hug your mother.

 

[motel rooms]

Most people don't write emotional details of their inner conflict of judgements and psychological anarchy that inevitably engulfs the mind of a person who is determined to end their lives, and perhaps that's a good thing, lest they get second thoughts that make their carrying-out of method much more difficult, as emotional expression with fellow humans makes it all the more difficult to let go and accept non-existence.

They don't? I'm not under that impression.

 

[LivvenDe]

I am so broken inside I want to just hug my mom and tell her she'll be much happier if I was dead but she just can't stop crying tears, I feel extreme sadness at having done this to her, but I just had to prevent her from going into shock and maybe she may die from heart attack when she hears the news of my dead body being found on the rooftop of my building.

She spoke broken words to me, feels like she's having difficulty speaking as her throat aches from all that crying hysterically, she said she will die if I kill myself, or she'll live a tortured life as long as she's alive.

I then went to my room and locked, and she knocked after 20 minutes, she brought me a bowl of fruits and embraced me in her arms while tears ran down her cheeks, and she had packed her jewellery in a bag and gave it to me, she said go sell it and keep all the money and save your life, go live in another city but don't harm yourself and eat 3 healthy meals daily and call me on phone at least once a week so I hear your voice and tell you how much I love you my firstborn son, you are my baby and I won't let you die, and she just kept crying while saying this to me.

My heart has been broken into a thousand pieces, I can't move my soul has been paralyzed by what she said. She's even making omelette for me now, and she said she will give me more money, she said she'll look into her cupboard for cash.

OH GOD PLEASE MAKE THIS PAIN STOP I might choke on my extreme sorrow, I love her so much, but I can't keep on living in my ugly body, I have severe body dysmorphia and my upper back has irreversible skeletal deformity it hurts so bad I can't sleep all night I'm in neverending agony, I haven't felt calm in years.

There is no intelligent overseer, no god, no afterlife and all religious faith is delusion that people believe to make this tortured existence bearable for themselves, I'm condemned to this fleshly prison by blind necessity and chance, no one and nothing can be blamed for this tragedy because it always was meaningless agony to be alive in a conscious meat bone torture cell, it always was blind will that strives and creates more and more pain and suffering for an eternity.

I am so so sooooo sorry you had to go through it.... Such a raw and vivid description of sorrow.

My mom would have acted the same way... Oh god I can't stop crying now :/:/:/

My mom, my husband and my cats are the ones who hold me in this f*** world. If not for them, I would be long gone.

 

[Shadowplay]

They don't? I'm not under that impression.

Yeah seriously what the what?

 

[pento]

My boyfriend is the one and only reason I haven't ended it all. I know exactly how it feels to be tethered to the world, unable to live or die. Wishing the best for you.

 

[siray]

Yeah seriously what the what?

I'm sorry for saying that, I was wrong, I don't know why I assumed that about people of this site. I'm certain most of them are going through extreme suffering that surpasses mine by a large margin, especially the ones who have their date of ctb decided, I will never think that my pain is somehow more significant than theirs, I'm very sorry if I have made this impression. Besides, I have read many threads where people articulate their internal condition of helplessness much more profoundly and eloquently.

 

[Shadowplay]

I'm sorry for saying that, I was wrong, I don't know why I assumed that about people of this site. I'm certain most of them are going through extreme suffering that surpasses mine by a large margin, especially the ones who have their date of ctb decided, I will never think that my pain is somehow more significant than theirs, I'm very sorry if I have made this impression. Besides, I have read many threads where people articulate their internal condition of helplessness much more profoundly and eloquently.

That's ok - no big. Not trying to pile on or anything, or gloat. I think perhaps you are so consumed with your own pain and suffering that you cannot see that of others; which is understandable. We are all suffering here. xoxox

 

[Amnesiaisalloverme]

I am so broken inside I want to just hug my mom and tell her she'll be much happier if I was dead but she just can't stop crying tears, I feel extreme sadness at having done this to her, but I just had to prevent her from going into shock and maybe she may die from heart attack when she hears the news of my dead body being found on the rooftop of my building.

She spoke broken words to me, feels like she's having difficulty speaking as her throat aches from all that crying hysterically, she said she will die if I kill myself, or she'll live a tortured life as long as she's alive.

I then went to my room and locked, and she knocked after 20 minutes, she brought me a bowl of fruits and embraced me in her arms while tears ran down her cheeks, and she had packed her jewellery in a bag and gave it to me, she said go sell it and keep all the money and save your life, go live in another city but don't harm yourself and eat 3 healthy meals daily and call me on phone at least once a week so I hear your voice and tell you how much I love you my firstborn son, you are my baby and I won't let you die, and she just kept crying while saying this to me.

My heart has been broken into a thousand pieces, I can't move my soul has been paralyzed by what she said. She's even making omelette for me now, and she said she will give me more money, she said she'll look into her cupboard for cash.

OH GOD PLEASE MAKE THIS PAIN STOP I might choke on my extreme sorrow, I love her so much, but I can't keep on living in my ugly body, I have severe body dysmorphia and my upper back has irreversible skeletal deformity it hurts so bad I can't sleep all night I'm in neverending agony, I haven't felt calm in years.

There is no intelligent overseer, no god, no afterlife and all religious faith is delusion that people believe to make this tortured existence bearable for themselves, I'm condemned to this fleshly prison by blind necessity and chance, no one and nothing can be blamed for this tragedy because it always was meaningless agony to be alive in a conscious meat bone torture cell, it always was blind will that strives and creates more and more pain and suffering for an eternity.

As a fellow Pakistani i wanna say my mom is the only one who kept me alive for this long and i just dk wut wud happen to my mom after me but literally nothing can be done now. My misery has been written already

 

[UKscotty]

I get the reason why but this is why it's wrong to tell people about being suicidal.

We have no right to cause someone pain and suffering.

Unfortunately it cannot be undone now.

All you can do is your best to limit the damage, make it clear to her it was not her fault etc.

I know most replies are 'now now its ok'. It's not. People need to stop putting loved ones in this situation, it's horrendous.