Help Mom is killing herself while I can do nothing but watch

[struggles_inc]

I guess my last name should be Suicide bruh. Sorry, idk how to start this.

I guess it started with my dad. He was a veteran, surely had PTSD and/or depression. He fucked up his health as much as possible, with his genetic heart condition (that I inherited) getting worse every year. He neglected his health and refused medication till the very end, when he was hospitalised for the last time.

Then this behaviour passed down to my mom. She started neglecting her health and her safety. I mean it. We're Russian, and since our country started the invasion, life's been unstable, with drones exploding and civilians killing each other. I moved to another country, but my mom doesn't want to do anything for her safety. I invited her on multiple occasions and she responded that she would just be a bother to me, which is fucking not true.

Even before that, we once found a lump on her. I couldn't convince her to go to a doctor for a WEEK. I finally convinced her when I brought home a signed document from my university, saying that I'm dropping out. I said she had a day to go to a doctor before I submit this paperwork. She had an operation and made a recovery, eventually, but the process was FUCKING HELL because she did not want to do anything.

Today I talked to her about her health again, and how she should get it checked out. It ended in a fight. Making her care for herself is such a torment. And I just…

If you fucking hate life so much, if you don't care what happens to you, why would you bring me into this world? Why was I born, then, if both my parents despise life so much?
I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make her drop this act. I'm frankly so done with her self-neglect.
I'm starting to understand why people here on Sasu say that you can't be suicidal if you decide to have kids.

 

[whywere]

I cried reading this, as I had the same thing happen to me with my ex-father and mother in-laws.

When I was married my ex-wife's folks never went to the doctor, both weighed over 400lbs, never exercised, heck never moved from the sofa, and both died HORRIBLE deaths because of lack of medical care.

I mentioned the prior only, because I have had some experiences along these lines.

I never ever tell anyone what to do, but my shrink at the time, told me, that I had 2 choices. 1) was to do nothing 2) Was to try and I might get blow back from them.

I took option 2 and worked like heavens to try and help, but leading a horse to water does not mean that the horse will drink. Both did as they wanted and died horribly, as their bodies totally gave out.

Just me 2 cents worth, but you are such a kind and caring person with a HUGE heart of gold and if I was in your shoes I would do my darndest to get my mom the hell out of Russia and to the country where you live.

Never any politics with me, BUT Russia is going to stay the same till Putin is kicked out by his country folks or he dies. Dictators never give up power, never and they could care less if their country folks suffer because of them as like Putin, he is a megalomaniac.

Sending you lots of HUGE hugs, love and tell your mother that I live in the U.S. and want the very best for her AND you to live a great life, we are ALL together in this thing called life.

Walter

 

[landslide2]

i just want to say you have been such a wonderful son, caring for your mom the way you have.
i'm sorry you're mom won't listen to you, it seems like a big part of her has given up on life.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Your mom is suffering from clinical depression. I have the same. You can't just snap out of it or get your shit together. It overpowers you with hopelessness and despair whether you have children or not. When she had you as a baby she probably wasn't depressed and no one could have known the future would be where she is now. I'm sorry. I know it's hard on family members too and tough to understand if you haven't experienced clinical depression.

 

[struggles_inc]

Your mom is suffering from clinical depression. I have the same. You can't just snap out of it or get your shit together. It overpowers you with hopelessness and despair whether you have children or not. When she had you as a baby she probably wasn't depressed and no one could have known the future would be where she is now. I'm sorry. I know it's hard on family members too and tough to understand if you haven't experienced clinical depression.

What can I do in this situation? I understand something is going on with her mentally, I think she's coming to terms with aging and is lonely, but she completely refuses help. I'm not even talking about mental health, she doesn't believe in that.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

What can I do in this situation? I understand something is going on with her mentally, I think she's coming to terms with aging and is lonely, but she completely refuses help. I'm not even talking about mental health, she doesn't believe in that.

How old is she?. I am 55f and aging sucks.

 

[uglyugly]

I am truly sorry you are going through this. My dad is 85 and talks all the time about he wishes he would have shot himself years ago. It's unbelievably hard. I think it is very honorable of you to do what you can to help her, but at some point, she has to decide to help herself. Letting go is the hardest thing, in my opinion.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I am so sorry that you go through this, just know it is not your fault. it's honorable you helped her so much, but unfortunately, you can try as hard as possible, if a person doesn't want to accept help then they wont change.

 

[struggles_inc]

How old is she?. I am 55f and aging sucks.

58.

 

[KillingPain267]

I guess my last name should be Suicide bruh. Sorry, idk how to start this.

I guess it started with my dad. He was a veteran, surely had PTSD and/or depression. He fucked up his health as much as possible, with his genetic heart condition (that I inherited) getting worse every year. He neglected his health and refused medication till the very end, when he was hospitalised for the last time.

Then this behaviour passed down to my mom. She started neglecting her health and her safety. I mean it. We're Russian, and since our country started the invasion, life's been unstable, with drones exploding and civilians killing each other. I moved to another country, but my mom doesn't want to do anything for her safety. I invited her on multiple occasions and she responded that she would just be a bother to me, which is fucking not true.

Even before that, we once found a lump on her. I couldn't convince her to go to a doctor for a WEEK. I finally convinced her when I brought home a signed document from my university, saying that I'm dropping out. I said she had a day to go to a doctor before I submit this paperwork. She had an operation and made a recovery, eventually, but the process was FUCKING HELL because she did not want to do anything.

Today I talked to her about her health again, and how she should get it checked out. It ended in a fight. Making her care for herself is such a torment. And I just…

If you fucking hate life so much, if you don't care what happens to you, why would you bring me into this world? Why was I born, then, if both my parents despise life so much?
I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make her drop this act. I'm frankly so done with her self-neglect.
I'm starting to understand why people here on Sasu say that you can't be suicidal if you decide to have kids.

It sounds like she has severe depression. You could maybe explain how antidepressives will make her feel better. Just a simple pill a day, no operation, and not even need for therapy (when depression is that severe, doctors recommend first medication when it's that severe, so the patient can at least start caring, before also starting and going to talk therapy).

 

[struggles_inc]

It sounds like she has severe depression. You could maybe explain how antidepressives will make her feel better. Just a simple pill a day, no operation, and not even need for therapy (when depression is that severe, doctors recommend first medication when it's that severe, so the patient can at least start caring, before also starting and going to talk therapy).

Unfortunately she absolutely hates all that. I tried to talk to her about mental health, but she's adamant that dad didn't have depression (when I was about 9, he approached me once and started talking about how he's gonna die soon, he stopped only when I snapped and hit him - that's when I knew something was wrong) and she doesn't as well. Of course, it also means she doesn't believe I have it, but we won't cross that bridge in this thread. Different topic.

 

[deafening]

My mom sent me a text apologizing that she wants to kill herself last week. She said my brother and I were the only good things to ever happen to her. She's been this way for as long as I can remember now, and it's only gotten progressively worse. I found her mom (my grandma) dead to an attempt in 2019; it's clear I've been plagued by the same fate as they were.

She is the only thing keeping me here; I know how agonizing it must be to watch and accept this..

 

[struggles_inc]

My mom sent me a text apologizing that she wants to kill herself last week. She said my brother and I were the only good things to ever happen to her. She's been this way for as long as I can remember now, and it's only gotten progressively worse. I found her mom (my grandma) dead to an attempt in 2019; it's clear I've been plagued by the same fate as they were.

She is the only thing keeping me here; I know how agonizing it must be to watch and accept this..

This is absolutely heartbreaking. I guess depression might be inherited.

I heard similar stuff from my mom. She's not actively suicidal, though, but she says all the time that I'm the only reason she's still here.
Letting her stay in Russia while I emigrate was terrifying because of that.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I am truly sorry you are going through this. My dad is 85 and talks all the time about he wishes he would have shot himself years ago. It's unbelievably hard. I think it is very honorable of you to do what you can to help her, but at some point, she has to decide to help herself. Letting go is the hardest thing, in my opinion.

My father is 99, he said he should of shot himself at 80 as its all down hill from there, but his strong going strong and abusing the crap out of at every chance.

 

[struggles_inc]

My father is 99, he said he should of shot himself at 80 as its all down hill from there, but his strong going strong and abusing the crap out of at every chance.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I don't know what to do in this situation. Older people are not eager to receive help.

I talked to my mom today about her telling me she's a burden. I gave her a well-rehearsed (cried all night yesterday so that I can say it all to her with a straight face) speech about her not being a stranger to me or a problem, and about me caring a lot. She tried to switch the topic several times, I pushed forward and she gave up eventually, admitting she's not a burden and she doesn't want to die.

I feel like to my parents aging is something horrific and painful. I understand why, but I don't feel the same. Maybe I will in about 30 years, but I've wanted to ctb since I was 11 y.o, so I don't mind dying. Doesn't matter when. While I'm not dead yet, why not try to enjoy stuff?

I never understood why it was so hard to make my mom enjoy life just a little, buy herself clothes or nice foods. Maybe that's the infamous USSR upbringing, idk, but she just never cared for herself.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I'm really sorry to hear that. I don't know what to do in this situation. Older people are not eager to receive help.

I talked to my mom today about her telling me she's a burden. I gave her a well-rehearsed (cried all night yesterday so that I can say it all to her with a straight face) speech about her not being a stranger to me or a problem, and about me caring a lot. She tried to switch the topic several times, I pushed forward and she gave up eventually, admitting she's not a burden and she doesn't want to die.

I feel like to my parents aging is something horrific and painful. I understand why, but I don't feel the same. Maybe I will in about 30 years, but I've wanted to ctb since I was 11 y.o, so I don't mind dying. Doesn't matter when. While I'm not dead yet, why not try to enjoy stuff?

I never understood why it was so hard to make my mom enjoy life just a little, buy herself clothes or nice foods. Maybe that's the infamous USSR upbringing, idk, but she just never cared for herself.

It is often true, the older you get the more stubborn and stuck in your ways you become. At least it sounds promising that you are able to communicate with her, telling her how much she is valued and what she means to you. You are also trying to understand where she is coming from. It is commendable and I really hope it leads to a break through.

Ageing can be horrific and painful in many ways, especially to those that have taken pride in being independent and capable. Europeans tend to be much this way and I take it that Russians are no different. A tough lot like my Italian father LOL. Your mum is proberbly much younger than my parents, but they were brought up in a different time to ours when they had to be alot more careful of money so buying clothes and nice food etc was often a waste a money to them. So her upbringing may have something to do with her attitude about this. Also, if she's anything like my father, don't bother talking to them about mental health, they just don't get it.