viljalauss
he/they 21
- Aug 22, 2023
- 168
it is not for me sorry
literally the only new thing i will ever be able to bring to the world is my silly little songs which are unlistenable but at least they can be mined for lyrics. but once i run out of ideas and they are all written and archived i can firmly say there will be nothing left. i can finally rest without others' hope that i'll do something, anything, other than leeching off their resources weighing heavy over me.
it sounds so selfish, and indeed i am, but i'm so tired of feeling the same - pain is honestly fine, it's more emptiness, discomfort, disconnect, grief - over and over again. i don't want to ever have to grieve for anyone again (this, i feel, is the most childish thing - just because my first thoughts of death as far as i remember were that i was scared of my parents dying. and now i'm scared i'm slowly killing them but that's another story). i'm tired of seeing this body and not knowing who or why it is. i'm sick of looking in the mirror when i have to present as a girl by mistake and seeing someone behind the mirror not me and being reminded that being able to recognise myself in the mirror and not be deeply unsettled by the thing behind it is a luxury. i'm so so so sick of these pronouns, this name, this fucking skin. being more comfortable in myself doesn't mean i'm fully satisfied w/my appearance, but when i'm stuffed into this girlskin i feel ten times uglier, ten times more monstrous. i wish i didn't have to speak in the present about this. i wish it happening again, and again, and again wasn't inevitable. i'm so done.
again my parents keep talking about the future. they went to some viewings today, are planning to move some point next year (?). they keep talking about making sure my sister and i will have rooms, my mother said one of the rooms was 'made for me', that she could imagine me working in it. it's horrible to say and i am fully just a bad person for it but i cannot imagine a future with both me and my parents, living together for more than a day or two at a time. or at all, really. i'm at theirs now over the weekend and i cannot tolerate it. i cannot tolerate this house. i do question whether the main problem is them or the house itself (seat of trauma? but i don't have trauma i swear) but either way i don't.. want to be around nearly long enough to find out..
i just.. i just want someone to tell me it's okay to end it. to tell me what i know, though i can't seem to internalise (out of guilt? like everyone else is alive and there's no way they have it easier than me. i should have to suffer the same or worse), that i don't Have to stay alive. i really do appreciate the kindness and full acceptance of those that listen to me but i'm tired of hearing that i'm strong or brave or anything similar for staying alive. if i say i am weak, it means i feel weak. if someone wants to tell me i've come this far, i want that to be a blessing for my rest, or a commitment to keeping my memory (however empty - i'm not sure i care much about being remembered, but but it's a nice assurance).
addendum: i'm meant to have a first appointment with the mental health team on wednesday but i scheduled that when i still had a few wanting-to-get-better bones in my body ,, maybe i should just tell them the gist of this i'm sure that'll go over well and not be a cause for concern :)
literally the only new thing i will ever be able to bring to the world is my silly little songs which are unlistenable but at least they can be mined for lyrics. but once i run out of ideas and they are all written and archived i can firmly say there will be nothing left. i can finally rest without others' hope that i'll do something, anything, other than leeching off their resources weighing heavy over me.
it sounds so selfish, and indeed i am, but i'm so tired of feeling the same - pain is honestly fine, it's more emptiness, discomfort, disconnect, grief - over and over again. i don't want to ever have to grieve for anyone again (this, i feel, is the most childish thing - just because my first thoughts of death as far as i remember were that i was scared of my parents dying. and now i'm scared i'm slowly killing them but that's another story). i'm tired of seeing this body and not knowing who or why it is. i'm sick of looking in the mirror when i have to present as a girl by mistake and seeing someone behind the mirror not me and being reminded that being able to recognise myself in the mirror and not be deeply unsettled by the thing behind it is a luxury. i'm so so so sick of these pronouns, this name, this fucking skin. being more comfortable in myself doesn't mean i'm fully satisfied w/my appearance, but when i'm stuffed into this girlskin i feel ten times uglier, ten times more monstrous. i wish i didn't have to speak in the present about this. i wish it happening again, and again, and again wasn't inevitable. i'm so done.
again my parents keep talking about the future. they went to some viewings today, are planning to move some point next year (?). they keep talking about making sure my sister and i will have rooms, my mother said one of the rooms was 'made for me', that she could imagine me working in it. it's horrible to say and i am fully just a bad person for it but i cannot imagine a future with both me and my parents, living together for more than a day or two at a time. or at all, really. i'm at theirs now over the weekend and i cannot tolerate it. i cannot tolerate this house. i do question whether the main problem is them or the house itself (seat of trauma? but i don't have trauma i swear) but either way i don't.. want to be around nearly long enough to find out..
i just.. i just want someone to tell me it's okay to end it. to tell me what i know, though i can't seem to internalise (out of guilt? like everyone else is alive and there's no way they have it easier than me. i should have to suffer the same or worse), that i don't Have to stay alive. i really do appreciate the kindness and full acceptance of those that listen to me but i'm tired of hearing that i'm strong or brave or anything similar for staying alive. if i say i am weak, it means i feel weak. if someone wants to tell me i've come this far, i want that to be a blessing for my rest, or a commitment to keeping my memory (however empty - i'm not sure i care much about being remembered, but but it's a nice assurance).
addendum: i'm meant to have a first appointment with the mental health team on wednesday but i scheduled that when i still had a few wanting-to-get-better bones in my body ,, maybe i should just tell them the gist of this i'm sure that'll go over well and not be a cause for concern :)
