Venting mixed feelings about therapy

[preoppostmortem]

started meds only a few days ago and i feel fucking horrendous. I've never been so set on ending my life. I've done nothing but sleep, completely fucking my sleep schedule in the process, because i can't stand being awake and dealing with my thoughts.

my therapist is nice and all, it's nice having an outlet but I'm not really sure its helping. i know she'll probably just tell me to "wait it out" because its too soon to tell if the meds are really helping, but i genuinely can't stand feeling like this. i can't do anything. even eating feels exhausting.

i've got a session in two days and i have no clue what I'm gonna tell her. i'd stay home, but i live with my parents and they'd probably make me go anyway. i'm horrified that I'll let it slip that i've basically planned my whole death and she'll get me institutionalized. that is my biggest fear. every friend i've had who's been in a psych ward came back with horror stories.

i've got one safety net i guess - i'd like to move out before i do it so that'll probably take a few years to get the money together and find a decent place. i don't have the means to do it either right now. does it still count as being a danger to yourself if you can't realistically do anything at the moment? i'm terrified i'll fuck myself over somehow.

i just wanna be done

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that in whatever happens you don't end up in the psych ward as those places just sound so horrible to me, I hate how we exist in a world where suicidal people end up being punished simply for sharing their honest feelings but anyway best wishes.