Venting Missing out, etc.

[SawtoothDecaf]

I've been doing therapy for almost 3 years or more now, and switched 2 therapists. In terms of the physical, I feel fine, but only because I've managed to repress it to the point where any human display of emotion feels forced and the only thing I know for sure I feel is envy at the way others can get support when they open up. In short, nothing works, and I found myself on this site, contemplating a thought I've been terrified of for the last 5 years: How do I disappear?

Everything seems to come full circle. The past month has been nothing but me trying to find fake ways to cure my loneliness, to find the motivation to even do the things I like, but everyone knows you can't work when you're burnt out. Everyone can see I'm burnt out, except me. I kept on trying to turn my suffering into something productive, because if I'm not productive, then what am I? Will I ever even be anything? Will anyone miss me? Remember me for something good? I don't have much of a legacy, and I've been too busy indulging in extreme escapism of the past year and a half to genuinely try making some kind of legacy for myself. Somehow, despite feeling like I'm at my limit, crying out for help with what's left of my voice and energy, it's like people just pass by and stomp on me or ignore me. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.

I stopped caring. I stopped living. I'm just killing time until a miracle happens and somebody doesn't find me offputting anymore. I don't have the energy to try making friends anymore. Those same people never answer again after a day. I permanently feel like a burden and a constant influx of shame whatever I do, and no matter how well I do it. Even posting this, I'm embarrassed and feel the need to apologize for my problems and the way I talk and think. Anyway, this is the last attempt at a cry for help.

 

[FeyB]

Hi, find myself in a similar situation more than I want to admit it.
Burn out is shit, and the more task you give yourself the more you feel bad for not achieving them.
I'm not here for offer a solution but forgiving yourself more can be useful. Trough my journey with therapy which has been since i was 13 so around 9 years, forgiving myself was a key point both for my past action but most importently for taking a break and let me burn out.... because the more I want to prove myself while burn out, the more I come back here, trying to find a reason to live