Infinite Conscious
Experienced
- Aug 18, 2020
- 282
I guess you all know that feeling - I really can't take it anymore... But this time - REALLY... I don't know what I'm waiting for, I can't imagine what kind of improvement would turn the things around (other than a suitcase full of money falls from the sky), and this continuous postponing the inevitable is sooo draining, tiring, so inexplicably hard to look in the mirror and see yourself, a coward that not only failed in almost every attempt in life, but can't even find that "little" courage to pull the curtain down.
If I had SN, I would use it tonight. With a clear head, without a trace of remorse, I would follow my destiny.
Because if these thoughts are so persistent, having knocked on my head for decades, then it must be my destiny.
It must be the hard lesson of this lifetime for my soul, the payment for some karmic debt I must have earned or skipped in the previous lifetimes (I do believe in reincarnation).
Boy do I wish I was wrong in that belief, and that death would mean the end of life and conscious existence... it would be an easy way our, an escape we all crave for...
But... if life is a constant suffering (not only for "us" but in general), why would ending it be any easier?
The point is - I recently had a way out and... missed it.
Two months ago, out of nowhere, a girl from a neighboring country (actually a 2-hour drive away) approached me online with a proposition to partner up for CTB.
I couldn't believe my "luck"... a partner, who would make it easier and much more bearable, who also has SN for both of us and who was willing to travel to my hometown.
Wow!?
At first I was super-excited, as SN was an unattainable for me for various reasons, and because finding a partner is also extremely difficult (look at the partners thread, while there was only one (1) successful case on this forum).
Then, as the time approached, I chickened out... I was postponing, finding excuses, as my book just got published, and...
And the moment apparently passed.
The girl in the meantime straightened out her affairs, solved the financial and emotional problems she had... and changed her mind entirely.
She is willing to give life another chance... and I am honestly very happy for her.
It seems her wish to CTB was a temporary thing.
My prolonging the plan may have saved her life.
But now I'm back at the starting point... no partner, no SN (a dignifying way to die), with hanging or jumping as the only realistic methods.
Both hanging and jumping terrify the hell out of me.
Point of the "story", besides venting... embrace every opportunity you get.
Life won't get better, for 95% of us (my potential partner is among those 5%)... I bet most of you say "I wish I did it back then when I had the chance".
And while I'm currently drowning in remorse (I wish I was drowning in water instead), I am truly happy I indirectly played a role in saving one life.
PS. If anybody is willing to help a lost soul (as in, like, myself) and could send me via mail some SN, I would previously send the money by Western Union.
I don't have the possibility to order online and pay by either a bank card or PayPal-like applications... only WU.
I would make sure there would be no legal or any other consequences for such an angel... if there is one.
If I had SN, I would use it tonight. With a clear head, without a trace of remorse, I would follow my destiny.
Because if these thoughts are so persistent, having knocked on my head for decades, then it must be my destiny.
It must be the hard lesson of this lifetime for my soul, the payment for some karmic debt I must have earned or skipped in the previous lifetimes (I do believe in reincarnation).
Boy do I wish I was wrong in that belief, and that death would mean the end of life and conscious existence... it would be an easy way our, an escape we all crave for...
But... if life is a constant suffering (not only for "us" but in general), why would ending it be any easier?
The point is - I recently had a way out and... missed it.
Two months ago, out of nowhere, a girl from a neighboring country (actually a 2-hour drive away) approached me online with a proposition to partner up for CTB.
I couldn't believe my "luck"... a partner, who would make it easier and much more bearable, who also has SN for both of us and who was willing to travel to my hometown.
Wow!?
At first I was super-excited, as SN was an unattainable for me for various reasons, and because finding a partner is also extremely difficult (look at the partners thread, while there was only one (1) successful case on this forum).
Then, as the time approached, I chickened out... I was postponing, finding excuses, as my book just got published, and...
And the moment apparently passed.
The girl in the meantime straightened out her affairs, solved the financial and emotional problems she had... and changed her mind entirely.
She is willing to give life another chance... and I am honestly very happy for her.
It seems her wish to CTB was a temporary thing.
My prolonging the plan may have saved her life.
But now I'm back at the starting point... no partner, no SN (a dignifying way to die), with hanging or jumping as the only realistic methods.
Both hanging and jumping terrify the hell out of me.
Point of the "story", besides venting... embrace every opportunity you get.
Life won't get better, for 95% of us (my potential partner is among those 5%)... I bet most of you say "I wish I did it back then when I had the chance".
And while I'm currently drowning in remorse (I wish I was drowning in water instead), I am truly happy I indirectly played a role in saving one life.
PS. If anybody is willing to help a lost soul (as in, like, myself) and could send me via mail some SN, I would previously send the money by Western Union.
I don't have the possibility to order online and pay by either a bank card or PayPal-like applications... only WU.
I would make sure there would be no legal or any other consequences for such an angel... if there is one.
