ExpiredSeraphine_
Seraphine
- Jul 15, 2023
- 4
I'm cynical and I'm jaded. I'm narcissistic, arrogant, and all around a pretty fucking abhorrent person. And I hate myself for it. Not a day has gone by in the last few years where I've thought "you know, maybe the world IS better with me in it." I mean, if that's not fucking evidence that I'm a horrible person, then what is? I can't save myself, just like I couldn't save Maeliss. Just how I can't save ANYONE.
I often get told "you're so intelligent! I can tell you're destined for big things." Or some shit like that. Yes, mum, your 'genius daughter' is an A-level dropout alcoholic freak. Oh, and she's also in a psych ward. I feel horrible for not living up to who I should be, who I WANT to be. Instead, I'm a failure to myself and a massive disappointment to everyone else. I grieve my life that I could have led, a life that was fucking STOLEN from me, because of who I really truly am inside. And yes, it's always easy to blame other people, but inevitably, it's my fault. I'm the horrible, jaded, cynical problem in my life.
One thing I am annoyed about, and I'll take this to my fucking grave, is other people trying so hard to stop me. It's MY FUCKING CHOICE if I want to die, and it's MY FUCKING CHOICE if I want to drink, or cut, or OD, or hang, or take SN. Alcohol, and self harm (bearing in mind I'm saying this at 18, having started drinking at 16) which people always say is the "fastest way to ruin your life" are genuinely some of the only anaesthesia I have to make this cruel, fucked up world go away. Since I was 11, which was when I first tried to ctb, I've gotten no therapy, no help, NOTHING. The NHS has no right to stop me from offing myself when they've done nothing to make me not wanna die.
And it's not like I can ctb now, being in a fucking psych ward. I don't want to traumatise the other patients or whoever the fuck finds me, and I don't want that to be my legacy, and I don't want to leave the people who I love behind, even if it is horrendously selfish to say, because I KNOW that me dying would make the world, and everything a better place. All I want to do is die, but even that has been taken away from me. I didn't fucking CHOOSE to be born, so why the fuck can I not choose to die. And I can't seem to even die. That's how fucking pathetic I am.
I hate this miserable, fucked up world. Some people are alright, some people are those who I absolutely adore, but most people on this planet are so very fucking cruel. What hurts me the most, though, are people who seem to be in some ignorant, hazy bliss. And I hate those people because I envy them. I want to be them. It's so fucking simple for some people.
If only it were simple for me.
With cynicism and angst,
Seraphine.
I often get told "you're so intelligent! I can tell you're destined for big things." Or some shit like that. Yes, mum, your 'genius daughter' is an A-level dropout alcoholic freak. Oh, and she's also in a psych ward. I feel horrible for not living up to who I should be, who I WANT to be. Instead, I'm a failure to myself and a massive disappointment to everyone else. I grieve my life that I could have led, a life that was fucking STOLEN from me, because of who I really truly am inside. And yes, it's always easy to blame other people, but inevitably, it's my fault. I'm the horrible, jaded, cynical problem in my life.
One thing I am annoyed about, and I'll take this to my fucking grave, is other people trying so hard to stop me. It's MY FUCKING CHOICE if I want to die, and it's MY FUCKING CHOICE if I want to drink, or cut, or OD, or hang, or take SN. Alcohol, and self harm (bearing in mind I'm saying this at 18, having started drinking at 16) which people always say is the "fastest way to ruin your life" are genuinely some of the only anaesthesia I have to make this cruel, fucked up world go away. Since I was 11, which was when I first tried to ctb, I've gotten no therapy, no help, NOTHING. The NHS has no right to stop me from offing myself when they've done nothing to make me not wanna die.
And it's not like I can ctb now, being in a fucking psych ward. I don't want to traumatise the other patients or whoever the fuck finds me, and I don't want that to be my legacy, and I don't want to leave the people who I love behind, even if it is horrendously selfish to say, because I KNOW that me dying would make the world, and everything a better place. All I want to do is die, but even that has been taken away from me. I didn't fucking CHOOSE to be born, so why the fuck can I not choose to die. And I can't seem to even die. That's how fucking pathetic I am.
I hate this miserable, fucked up world. Some people are alright, some people are those who I absolutely adore, but most people on this planet are so very fucking cruel. What hurts me the most, though, are people who seem to be in some ignorant, hazy bliss. And I hate those people because I envy them. I want to be them. It's so fucking simple for some people.
If only it were simple for me.
With cynicism and angst,
Seraphine.
