Miserable

[fieryending]

My life is miserable right now. I was trying to keep up good grades throughout high school with the hope of getting a full-ride scholarship to college. My foster mom/guardian destroyed that dream by keeping me in a mental hospital so long that any scholarships I was planning on applying to closed. She also found and read two private journals of mine and in one of them, I wrote about various hookups I've had, as well as the fact that I'm suicidal(partly because of her). I hate her so much and she is ruining my life. I'm currently staying with a friend in another state and I might be able to stay here with her and avoid going back, but if I do that I lose all my stuff and I have to get a job and start supporting myself. If I go back I have to deal with her taking a lot of privileges away from me, like going outside by myself because I "violated her trust" by going on hookups behind her back(I just turned 18 wtf). I don't even know what other kinds of privileges shes going to take away from me if I go back, but I'm anticipating it making me even more suicidal. I wish I had just stayed in the group home and never went to live with her, but hindsight is 20/20 I guess. She made me stay in a mental hospital for 7 weeks but I guess that's not punishment enough. What a way to help a suicidal person amirite. I have thought about ingesting a couple of grams of Benadryl and seeing myself out of this life, but I'm concerned about throwing it all up. I could also somehow obtain a syringe and inject the Benadryl into my arm. Then I wouldn't have to worry about vomiting. I'm just in a very bad place right now, I've been out of school for 2 months so my efforts to get A's are all for nothing. I just want to end my life.

 

[Sweet emotion]

My life is miserable right now. I was trying to keep up good grades throughout high school with the hope of getting a full-ride scholarship to college. My foster mom/guardian destroyed that dream by keeping me in a mental hospital so long that any scholarships I was planning on applying to closed. She also found and read two private journals of mine and in one of them, I wrote about various hookups I've had, as well as the fact that I'm suicidal(partly because of her). I hate her so much and she is ruining my life. I'm currently staying with a friend in another state and I might be able to stay here with her and avoid going back, but if I do that I lose all my stuff and I have to get a job and start supporting myself. If I go back I have to deal with her taking a lot of privileges away from me, like going outside by myself because I "violated her trust" by going on hookups behind her back(I just turned 18 wtf). I don't even know what other kinds of privileges shes going to take away from me if I go back, but I'm anticipating it making me even more suicidal. I wish I had just stayed in the group home and never went to live with her, but hindsight is 20/20 I guess. She made me stay in a mental hospital for 7 weeks but I guess that's not punishment enough. What a way to help a suicidal person amirite. I have thought about ingesting a couple of grams of Benadryl and seeing myself out of this life, but I'm concerned about throwing it all up. I could also somehow obtain a syringe and inject the Benadryl into my arm. Then I wouldn't have to worry about vomiting. I'm just in a very bad place right now, I've been out of school for 2 months so my efforts to get A's are all for nothing. I just want to end my life.

Sweetie I'm so sorry you're so young and in so much pain. Your Foster mother sounds absolutely horrible! But I don't think the Benadryl is going to work and I don't want you to get locked up again in a mental institution. You need a lot of hard core drugs and if you ever got them what you should do is crush them up. You have to pick the day you're going to kill yourself because you need to be taking anti nausea meds every 6-8 hours before you do it. Since I have been in chronic pain for 14 years and I knew this day was going to come I've saved a lot of different medications. I hate that someone so young like you who has their whole life ahead of them wants to leave this life. I got sick when I was 20 and I'm 34 now. I missed out on probably the best years of my life. I don't want you to miss out on anything. I really hope you find peace and happiness.

 

[Nephis]

It sucks it really does be glad you have a friend to help you stay away from her though more than I can say for myself if it wasn't for people on this site I would have went mad if you need any help people here will help you where they can I hope things work out for you!

 

[Dawn0071111]

Hi hun,

I grew up in group homes & foster care, I know how horrible the entire scenario of not having a decent supportive adult can be at your age. Its so fucked up. At a time when you should be getting support, guidence, love and prepping for the world, you have to deal thier bullshit. I wish I had taken my life when I was younger, for me it was endless misery... but it may not have to be that way for you. A lot of people tend to say "oh this person is so young, they have thier whole life ahead of them" when ctb comes up. They have a point, but its a crapshoot for us all. JK Rowling considered suicide as an option and well.... she stayed and went on to give the world Harry Potter. I'm so not about writing vomit-inducing pleasantries like: "...don't do it, you might die with a dream no one will ever know..." thst could be said for every child that dies of starvation or innocent people being killed by suicide bombers.... but I will say this... Only you know your truth, it's your life. Now that you are 18, your a legal adult, but in your own mind and heart you can excersize your power.... Its your life, its all yours.....

You have a community here that understands, won't judge. Many have had similar experinces.... Im glad your here... I wish you didn't have to be, I feel that way for us all. I wish that we didn't live in a world where a suicide forum was even needed. But it is, and were all in this together....

Huggz