Miserable, Alone and Struggling

[Giraffey]

As most of you will know, because of the Coronavirus (sorry, unavoidable mention) the overwhelming majority of film and TV productions have now shut down or moved to a small skeleton crew.

I work in lighting, it's not just my livelihood but my social life too. For the last couple of weeks I've seen all of my bookings cancelled, financially I'm a mess but coping. Emotionally, I'm coping less.

Most of my aquaintences are colleagues who I meet on sets and since I'm not working, I'm not socialising with them. My one friend is now busy with his new girlfriend and my other friends aren't talking to me atm - I went through a very anti-social phase where I was overwhelmed and stopped replying back to text messages. They must either think I'm dead or an asshole, probably both.

I got off to a bad start on the forum too, coming across like a stuck up asshole and alienating probably just about everybody - that seems to be a talent of mine.

So now I'm isolated and alone. The one ray of hope that I've happened upon that is making me consider postponing my CTB for another month is rapidly relinquishing in significance to the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness that have been emerging.

God help me when the night comes, I'm so terrified of going to sleep. It's the one time I have no distractions and when all of the painful thoughts and memories have no competition for my attention. Nighttime is tough.

So sorry for wasting your time reading this rant, turns out there wasn't actually a point and it didn't have a surprise twist that got better at the end - it was simply a waste, like most of my life.

 

[Epsilon0]

Nights are tough. It's the same for me. Luckily tonight the sky is clear and I can just barely make out some stars rising above the trees. It's immensly comforting.

Is there anything that could give you a little comfort during the long, dark hours of the night?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

As most of you will know, because of the Coronavirus (sorry, unavoidable mention) the overwhelming majority of film and TV productions have now shut down or moved to a small skeleton crew.

I work in lighting, it's not just my livelihood but my social life too. For the last couple of weeks I've seen all of my bookings cancelled, financially I'm a mess but coping. Emotionally, I'm coping less.

Most of my aquaintences are colleagues who I meet on sets and since I'm not working, I'm not socialising with them. My one friend is now busy with his new girlfriend and my other friends aren't talking to me atm - I went through a very anti-social phase where I was overwhelmed and stopped replying back to text messages. They must either think I'm dead or an asshole, probably both.

I got off to a bad start on the forum too, coming across like a stuck up asshole and alienating probably just about everybody - that seems to be a talent of mine.

So now I'm isolated and alone. The one ray of hope that I've happened upon that is making me consider postponing my CTB for another month is rapidly relinquishing in significance to the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness that have been emerging.

God help me when the night comes, I'm so terrified of going to sleep. It's the one time I have no distractions and when all of the painful thoughts and memories have no competition for my attention. Nighttime is tough.

So sorry for wasting your time reading this rant, turns out there wasn't actually a point and it didn't have a surprise twist that got better at the end - it was simply a waste, like most of my life.

It's fine to vent. Not wasting anyone's time. If you did piss people off then it's actually pretty decent to admit it and apologise.
I'm sorry you feel like that at night. Are you sleeping okay?
The loneliness can be tough, most people are not equipped to deal with it.
I'm alone most of the time normally, even more so in the current situation. My sleep is bloody awful though.

 

[Jean4]

Pleased to meet you. Let's have a fresh start. We have all done and said stupid things.

Yes. Coronavirus is going to change a lot of things. It is going to be a long time, so we have to get used to it.

Lonely? Simple solution. Come here. We aren't scared about Coronavirus.

 

[Iloveyouall]

It was not a waste of time to read you, the point was for you to vent and it's enough for us.
*sending you love*

 

[Giraffey]

Thanks all :)

The world feels like a lonely place out there and the one person I've been talking to recently for some company has picked tonight to mercilessly destroy my character. I just reached out and asked for some support and she reacted like a rabid demon tearing me to shreds in cross-examination on hell's witness stand.

I guess I deserve it really, I'm well-intentioned yet thoroughly unlikeable. Thinking of following @Epsilon0 's lead and taking a walk under the night sky, that always calms me although I know I'll regret it later - I injured my foot last week so walking is painful right now.

I haven't been sleeping well at all lately, I'm haunted by thoughts of the problems that led me to wait in line for the bus in the first place, and the lack of sleep just makes it worse. I had such hope that I might have happened upon a reason to not CTB in my final month, but that hope is rapidly dying and it's signed a Do Not Resuscitate :(

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

A very good friend of mine is a script supervisor and her show is also shut down for heaven only knows how long.

Are you in a large city or do you usually go out to a location?

I ask because my friend told me that there are usually a few people gathered every morning around the coffee shop where the vans used to pick up. Force of habit, I guess. Might be a good place to strike up a conversation.

 

[Dawgmom]

I can't imagine what extroverted people are going through with having to isolate. Being alone doesn't bother me much at all, luckily. But, not having as much freedom to move about or picking up a few things at the grocery when I feel like it is disappointing.

I think a lot of people may need to learn how to be more self-reliant and creative. Maybe blogging, YouTube videos, or some other artistic endeavors that can be shared via social media. I've been having webcam meetings online but otherwise just hanging out with my dogs and making crafts and doing yardwork. I like watching YouTube videos and some television, too.

Maybe you can find things you like to do when alone but haven't had time since working?

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Big hug for you! It wasn't a waste of time. I think a lot of people feel alone, especially now.. ( me in lockdown with my mentally handicapt sister, she's driving me up te wall!) feel free to message if you want to talk

 

[Giraffey]

A very good friend of mine is a script supervisor and her show is also shut down for heaven only knows how long.

Are you in a large city or do you usually go out to a location?

I ask because my friend told me that there are usually a few people gathered every morning around the coffee shop where the vans used to pick up. Force of habit, I guess. Might be a good place to strike up a conversation.

You know, I hadn't even thought of this - thanks! :) We have quite a few WhatsApp and Facebook chats between crew members and from what I can understand most are isolating and avoiding social gatherings (as per the UK guidance atm) so not sure I'll bump into many people at any of the usual pick up points, but it's worth a try, as you say old habits die hard.

The other place I tend to bump into fellow industry people is a weekly film club for media creatives in my town but that's been cancelled due to virus fears so I'm struggling atm. Everybody is too busy (most with kids) to talk online as well, which makes the isolation that bit more gruelling.

You know @Dawgmom (brilliant username btw), I've actually started writing a book that I've had in my head for the last four years at least. It's a science-related non-fiction book so plenty of research to get my teeth stuck into. The only problem is it's not very social. I'm very self-sufficient but I don't think I realised how emotionally vulnerable I am until the lack of social interaction hit. Usually, it wouldn't be a problem but in my current state of mind, it's biting.

So sorry to hear about your sister driving you mad @Myforevercharlie, I can only imagine how badly cabin fever must have set in when your attention is constantly in demand, particularly in such a confined space. Thank you for the kind offer, will definitely drop you a message :)

 

[MsMaudlin]

Hello,

This Corona Virus is going to mess lots of things up, it has totally ruined all my plans.

We are in unprecedented times, seems like a dystonian nightmare.

❤

 

[Dawgmom]

You know @Dawgmom (brilliant username btw), I've actually started writing a book that I've had in my head for the last four years at least. It's a science-related non-fiction book so plenty of research to get my teeth stuck into. The only problem is it's not very social. I'm very self-sufficient but I don't think I realised how emotionally vulnerable I am until the lack of social interaction hit. Usually, it wouldn't be a problem but in my current state of mind, it's biting.

A book is a great idea.and is on my to-do list also. I understand it's a solitary task but what about checking some other forums - for writers? I know Facebook has a creative writing group. Maybe Smashwords, too. I wouldn't share my idea but I known some people do share snippets.

Sounds like you're on the right track and trying, so good for you. I think a lot of people will come up with creative ideas as a result of this tragedy and maybe even invent something others will benefit from in the future. Shit, I bet some people create themselves a new job and never return to their previous one.

Maybe you'll be one of them.

PS: Thanks for the nod regarding my name. Been DawgMom for a very long time.

 

[Giraffey]

A book is a great idea.and is on my to-do list also. I understand it's a solitary task but what about checking some other forums - for writers? I know Facebook has a creative writing group. Maybe Smashwords, too. I wouldn't share my idea but I known some people do share snippets.

Sounds like you're on the right track and trying, so good for you. I think a lot of people will come up with creative ideas as a result of this tragedy and maybe even invent something others will benefit from in the future. Shit, I bet some people create themselves a new job and never return to their previous one.

Maybe you'll be one of them.

PS: Thanks for the nod regarding my name. Been DawgMom for a very long time.

Ah wonderful, are you planning to work on a fiction book? Either way it's a great idea regarding the writers' forums, my book is non-fiction with a scientific anti-anxiety flavour so I could always reach out to people and share a few snippets for some feedback on the general style. If it helps them brilliant, if it's making them feel worse then I can nip that in the bud before it bleeds into the chapters I haven't written.

Funnily enough, I've been recording some meditation tapes which I can do from home - I've had several people tell me I've got a relaxing voice, although I can't think why personally... Perhaps if that takes off for some reason it might be a new avenue to get through the isolation. I've read a few comments from people in general though that society is going to change as a result of everybody working from home - if it works well now then they might just adopt that on a permanent basis. Who knows, it may not be all doom and gloom after all :)

PS: You're welcome, the dawg in your picture, he's an absolute beauty <3