Minimizing the suffering of those who stay

[Chantal]

I think about dying every day, but I also worry daily about minimizing the suffering of my parents, especially my mother. I don't want to allow her to suffer at all. She is everything to me, and her happiness is what matters most. She is the only person who really loves me in the world, unconditionally. But I need to die and I know it's impossible to avoid her pain.

Since I had a very serious suicide attempt earlier this year with 6g of propranolol, I hope that when I die from the SN she may believe it to be a residual consequence of the previous overdose and not a suicide.

I'm going to throw the leftover sodium nitrite away, somewhere away from my house. I will leave separate just a little at home. When I prepare the SN mixture with water, I will throw whatever is left in the toilet. I'll keep everything clean so the poison can't be found. Death will be given as sudden.

I know the pain of losing a beloved child is the worst in the world and my mother will carry it for the rest of her life. On the other hand, as she is very religious, she will believe that God led me at the right time. According to the beliefs of her religion, God can get people earlier so they can be saved , because if these people were still alive, they could go away from God again and end up dying without salvation.

She prefers a saved daughter to a daughter who lives suffering in sin. I believe she would understand that my passing would be a rest for my pain. She has told me a couple of times that she would rather that I die saved than live in pain and sin.

I think if I do everything right, she'll suffer a little less and be comforted by the belief that I died at the right time with God.

Do you worry about your family too? Are you afraid of what could happen to them if they know you died by suicide? How do you intend to avoid it?

 

[Dazedandconfused32]

I think about dying every day, but I also worry daily about minimizing the suffering of my parents, especially my mother. I don't want to allow her to suffer at all. She is everything to me, and her happiness is what matters most. She is the only person who really loves me in the world, unconditionally. But I need to die and I know it's impossible to avoid her pain.

Since I had a very serious suicide attempt earlier this year with 6g of propranolol, I hope that when I die from the SN she may believe it to be a residual consequence of the previous overdose and not a suicide.

I'm going to throw the leftover sodium nitrite away, somewhere away from my house. I will leave separate just a little at home. When I prepare the SN mixture with water, I will throw whatever is left in the toilet. I'll keep everything clean so the poison can't be found. Death will be given as sudden.

I know the pain of losing a beloved child is the worst in the world and my mother will carry it for the rest of her life. On the other hand, as she is very religious, she will believe that God led me at the right time. According to the beliefs of his religion, God can get people earlier so they can be saved , because if this people were still alive, they could go away from God again and end up dying without salvation.

She prefers a saved daughter to a daughter who lives suffering in sin. I believe she would understand that my passing would be a rest for my pain. She has told me a couple of times that she would rather that I die saved than live in pain and sin.

I think if I do everything right, she'll suffer a little less and be comforted by the belief that I died at the right time with God.

Do you worry about your family too? Are you afraid of what could happen to them if they know you died by suicide? How do you intend to avoid it?

I worry about this every single day of my life. I know the the rippling effect that suicide has not only on loved ones but friends and anyone I've ever touched really. I don't know what to do besides pull away like I have for the past couple years since my last serious attempt and hope that with the distance and time between that it will somehow help with the pain. No matter how much it hurts me I just never want to pass the pain. This troubles me sooo much.

 

[Nem]

I was concerned about it for a long time, found out it's a waste of time being concerned about how others think/react. They aren't the ones living through this hell unfortunately
Peace/hugs

 

[BipolarExpat]

Since I had a very serious suicide attempt earlier this year with 6g of propranolol, I hope that when I die from the SN she may believe it to be a residual consequence of the previous overdose and not a suicide.

I understand this need very clearly, Chantal. I have close relationships with many family members & friends. Many, many of us wish there were more ctb options that would appear as accidents and/or untimely demises.

But (and I'm truly sorry to bring this up) I get the sense you're writing from a "1st world country" whereas your method will most likely be discovered, documented and shared with family members. As I understand it, the body becomes an identifiable bluish hue from SN which would most likely spur further investigation through autopsy methods.

If my concerns about detectives, doctors/pathologists or medical examiners discovering the method seem unfounded, I hope someone with more specific knowledge will come along and correct me.

Best always Chantal and sorry for your troubles.

 

[trynacbt]

I also very much have this worry, especially because I know how much my mother's ctb affected me and my decision, and I don't want to cause that for somebody else. But at this point it doesn't even feel like a choice to me. It's something I need to do.

 

[Dazedandconfused32]

The way in which the blood thickens inside I think is a tell tale sign as they are more than likely to do an autopsy as well. The blue tones will also give a good hint as well.

 

[BipolarExpat]

Suicides (never guarantees) that might appear as accidental:

- River, lake, surf-ocean, etc. drowning.
- Hiking (backcountry) mishaps (lost, freezing, drowning, falling down a mountain)
- extreme sports accidents (paragliding, BASE jumping, scuba, parachute, etc.)
- drunk driving off a cliff (full tank of gas)
- drunk/falling in front of metro/bus/truck (very cruel to driver)
- drunk falling off a building/balcony

*sigh* it's never easy

In my case, (with multiple severe depressions) any death will be suspect...

 

[Mloureiro]

That is one of the things keeping me here: my kids, my pets. My husband, not so much as he does no care that much

 

[Ln42]

This is the only thing holding me back, I do not want to hurt my mum, siblings and nieces but I know it's only a matter of time before I go and it breaks my heart. I know how lucky I am and some people have no one. I just wish circumstances were different.

 

[Rachel74]

My dad and my dogs and my partner x

 

[erehbus]

I wondered about that for a very long time. I think making it look like it was not a suicide goes a long way, but nowadays I have my SN at home and prolly will take it in a moment of strength - it took so long to arrive that I got a little better and at the moment I am too scared of dying.

 

[Chantal]

This is the only thing holding me back, I do not want to hurt my mum, siblings and nieces but I know it's only a matter of time before I go and it breaks my heart. I know how lucky I am and some people have no one. I just wish circumstances were different.

Thankfully I don't have a partner. Despite having a lot of BPD traits, I can be alone nowadays and I even fear to connect with someone. The suffering of losing another person (again) is so intense that I can't stand it.

I understand this need very clearly, Chantal. I have close relationships with many family members & friends. Many, many of us wish there were more ctb options that would appear as accidents and/or untimely demises.

But (and I'm truly sorry to bring this up) I get the sense you're writing from a "1st world country" whereas your method will most likely be discovered, documented and shared with family members. As I understand it, the body becomes an identifiable bluish hue from SN which would most likely spur further investigation through autopsy methods.

If my concerns about detectives, doctors/pathologists or medical examiners discovering the method seem unfounded, I hope someone with more specific knowledge will come along and correct me.

Best always Chantal and sorry for your troubles.

Thank you, @BipolarExpat

Why do you think I live in the "1st World country"? Lol

Actually live in South America, in a medium sized city. I don't know if there will be an autopsy. But if any, it won't be meticulous.

This is my hope.

 

[BipolarExpat]

Thank you, @BipolarExpat

Why do you think I live in the "1st World country"? Lol

Actually live in South America, in a medium sized city. I don't know there will be an autopsy. But if any, it won't be meticulous.

This is my hope.

Sorry for the assumption, Chantal. It was your choice of words/style of writing.

Perhaps a search of local news articles will give you some sense of how intensely (or not) previous suicide cases have been studied.

I'll be hoping with you.

 

[Ln42]

Thankfully I don't have a partner. Despite having a lot of BPD traits, I can be alone nowadays and I even fear to connect with someone. The suffering of losing another person (again) is so intense that I can't stand it.

I can relate, my partner left me 2 years ago. My family live far away so I live on my own. Having bpd/or traits does make abandonment so hard, it is so intense I agree. It just seems easier not to make connections.
I hate the fact my family will know I died by suicide. Its annoying that if you die naturally it is more acceptable.

What happened with the propranolol? That sounds a large amount, were you in the hospital? I take it for anxiety and wondered what an overdose of it felt like and its success.

 

[Jack4230]

My mom made me promise her that I wouldn't kill myself when I was a young teen before I was even suicidal, this is the main reason I haven't done it yet

 

[Detour]

My family is what matters most to me in the world . Especially my parents. I am their first born , they have gone through a lot and have showed me unconditional love and support but I know I can't keep going much longer . What devastates me the most is thinking about what would happen after. Some years ago I noticed my moms mood change drastically , she had no energy , she wouldn't drive us to school anymore (my close by uncle stepped in to help, my dad is a truck driver), and I would hear her cry often. Then one day she explained to me that she was going through a major depressive episode. She said it hurt being alive and how she constantly thought about committing suicide. At the time it broke me, the thought of my mother wanting to take her own life. She kept going and fighting through it for us. Me and my other siblings are what keeps her going . I can't go a day without planning my death, but also realizing what it would do to her and my family . Shit fucking sucks

 

[I’vehadenough]

Yes, my family knows I'm suicidal. There is no way to make them understand, even though they know I cry and panic everyday and can't even work anymore. They would rather have me totally miserable and be alive than dead. In my suicide letter, I will write to be thankful for the years we spent together than mourn the years lost

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

For sure. I have two very old dogs. One is blind and deaf but she can find me and is always by my side. Anyway, I stay for the dogs.

 

[neilo99]

The thought of destroying my other half is the only thing that is keeping me on this earth. I have lived for a long time with my issues and I am constantly pulled between what I leave behind and suffering my torment each day

 

[tehdisturbedone]

I think about dying every day, but I also worry daily about minimizing the suffering of my parents, especially my mother. I don't want to allow her to suffer at all. She is everything to me, and her happiness is what matters most. She is the only person who really loves me in the world, unconditionally. But I need to die and I know it's impossible to avoid her pain.

Since I had a very serious suicide attempt earlier this year with 6g of propranolol, I hope that when I die from the SN she may believe it to be a residual consequence of the previous overdose and not a suicide.

I'm going to throw the leftover sodium nitrite away, somewhere away from my house. I will leave separate just a little at home. When I prepare the SN mixture with water, I will throw whatever is left in the toilet. I'll keep everything clean so the poison can't be found. Death will be given as sudden.

I know the pain of losing a beloved child is the worst in the world and my mother will carry it for the rest of her life. On the other hand, as she is very religious, she will believe that God led me at the right time. According to the beliefs of her religion, God can get people earlier so they can be saved , because if these people were still alive, they could go away from God again and end up dying without salvation.

She prefers a saved daughter to a daughter who lives suffering in sin. I believe she would understand that my passing would be a rest for my pain. She has told me a couple of times that she would rather that I die saved than live in pain and sin.

I think if I do everything right, she'll suffer a little less and be comforted by the belief that I died at the right time with God.

Do you worry about your family too? Are you afraid of what could happen to them if they know you died by suicide? How do you intend to avoid it?

I was angry when my mom tried to tell me she cared and this or that. I don't have words for your mother because I do feel that way myself to others.

I worry about this every single day of my life. I know the the rippling effect that suicide has not only on loved ones but friends and anyone I've ever touched really. I don't know what to do besides pull away like I have for the past couple years since my last serious attempt and hope that with the distance and time between that it will somehow help with the pain. No matter how much it hurts me I just never want to pass the pain. This troubles me sooo much.

I feel like the entire semester for me is fucked. I didn't think my cousin would commit suicide, even those he attempted 4 times before, but I guess I never really thought it would affect me this much. I thought I'd feel some happiness for him but I don't. I'm mad he left me, mad he didn't take me with him, and mad that I can't experience things with him like how we had planned. My cousin and his little brother, my baby cousin, were supposed to eventually move to where I live.

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

While it's unfortunate that my parents will suffer when I ctb, I don't think that I owe them anything. Certainly I don't feel obligated to live in pain just so that they won't feel bad. If there was a way to die without causing them pain I would certainly do that, but I don't think there is.

 

[Le_lacrime_di_marzo]

The only thing that keeps me here is concern about the pain my death would cause my parents and relatives. I don't want to hurt anyone! Every day it's the same old battle in my head - Whose suffering is more important, mine or theirs? I know for sure that if they were in my position (constant physical pain) I wouldn't want them to carry on with life just to keep me happy.

 

[tehdisturbedone]

While it's unfortunate that my parents will suffer when I ctb, I don't think that I owe them anything. Certainly I don't feel obligated to live in pain just so that they won't feel bad. If there was a way to die without causing them pain I would certainly do that, but I don't think there is.

The only thing that keeps me here is concern about the pain my death would cause my parents and relatives. I don't want to hurt anyone! Every day it's the same old battle in my head - Whose suffering is more important, mine or theirs? I know for sure that if they were in my position (constant physical pain) I wouldn't want them to carry on with life just to keep me happy.

As far as I'm converned I'm mad my parents created me. The one thing that does bother me is the amount of time and wasted money that has been spent on me all these years. It is foolish to me act like you're saving the world by killing yourself when you only really save yourself from your personal turmoils. Those then turn into funeral fees in the tens of thousands. It's insane how expensive a funeral is, a casket, and a burial site. Hell, not to mention the body storage fees and the embalming fluid fees. I personally plan to go out in some open casket sort of way but I'd like to check all my bases before departing. I'd rather I leave the least mess possible in my final moments on this giant space rock.

 

[Chantal]

What happened with the propranolol? That sounds a large amount, were you in the hospital? I take it for anxiety and wondered what an overdose of it felt like and its success.

Right after I woke up after taking all the medicines (I 'slept' for about 16 hours), I had no movement in my legs. I was taken to the hospital, stayed for one night and came back. Then my angiologist doctor asked for my hospitalization. Gradually I was able to regain my leg movements while still in the hospital center. My left leg was frighteningly swollen. After two weeks and after several exams, I was discharged because I had nothing but the swelling, which decreased every day. Liver and kidney enzymes, which were very high in the early days, were almost at normal levels after that time. The vitamins and minerals were also at good levels. The ultrasound did not reveal much, as did the resonances.

I am now taking medicine for circulation and may need to do so for the rest of my life.

I should (and can) do more exams and MRIs, but I don't want to. If I have another problem, I'd rather die because of it - or with it.

OBS: before someone asks, my heart is ok too.

 

[pleasethistime]

I would have drunk the sn 10 times in the last year if i didnt live my mother and she is old, alone and a good person. This is what keeps me. Bad situation.

 

[Chantal]

I am so sorry for everyone who is stuck in this situation. Maybe it would be easier to leave if we weren't loved. Loving and being loved is a privilege, but for those who want to ctb, it's also a painful hurdle.

I would have drunk the sn 10 times in the last year if i didnt live my mother and she is old, alone and a good person. This is what keeps me. Bad situation.

I would have taken SN the day it arrived this week, but I know I can't. If I didn't have my family, I would have died a long time ago. In addition to stopping me through love, they also hinder me by saving me every time.

My parents are elderly, frail and often ill, and finding my dead body will likely kill them, if not outright then in a matter of months. My brother will go crazy too but he has immense fortitude (he works in the military) and will find solace in the observation that at my age, after spending more than half my lifetime like a recluse, I had no hopes and no prospects to make a barely decent living, let alone starting a family. He will hurt and then he will get over it. He may get paranoid with his kids going crazy like I did , however. He once told me that, if I killed myself, he would lie to his kids about their aunt going somewhere far away or something. I am unemployed and completely isolated , which for the purposes of suicide is very convenient.

Our cases are very very similar, @Daniela .

 

[Shivani]

I have a very caring and loving family. Few months ago, I lost my love and have been thinking about suicide. When I lost him, my family felt that I would commit suicide, but I had my reasons for holding on. I intend to do it , but not immediately, the reason for it is also my family. Though in the mean time I am working on it trying to find the most suitable method. Had considered the Nitrogen method but was cheated, not sure if there was a leak from the cylinder or the regulator but the gas output was for less than 5 mins. So not willing to risk with that now. What concerns me now is the aftermath, I don't want to make it too hard on my family to discover me that way and I am not even sure if it would be okay to do it out in a hotel or something. Still trying to figure out.

 

[CrushedHopes]

My mom would absolutely be devastated. Just earlier today, she sent me another one of those pro-life "don't give up" cliche articles. For the past couple of days, I've been rolling my eyes whenever I see the suicide hotline or any kind of article that tries to convince people to find the "true meaning" in life. Don't forget about the "suicide isn't the answer" cliche too. I understand those who choose to stay alive just to ensure that their loved ones won't suffer through the loss. I would too, if I hadn't lost my entire future. I don't think mom gets it.

Not sure about my dad. It'll affect him to some degree, but I don't think he liked me all that much to begin with. Welp, at least when I'm gone, they'll still have my sister (who is going to university soon) to take care of. Lucky her - all the resources will be allocated to her, and just her alone.

 

[TheBlackSwordsman]

Curious to anyone in here, and please do not take this as a way of me trying to scare anyone into not doing this, but if you were somehow convincingly informed that if you did ctb, one of your loved ones would soon follow due to this, how would this make you feel? Would it be enough to seriously deter you from doing this? Personally, I'd hate for my death to cause more death. I honestly don't think there is any way to minimize suffering for those left behind, unfortunately for many of us here.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Curious to anyone in here, and please do not take this as a way of me trying to scare anyone into not doing this, but if you were somehow convincingly informed that if you did ctb, one of your loved ones would soon follow due to this, how would this make you feel? Would it be enough to seriously deter you from doing this? Personally, I'd hate for my death to cause more death. I honestly don't think there is any way to minimize suffering for those left behind, unfortunately for many of us here.

I can rest easy knowing that such a thing would absolutely not happen.