I nearly had a breakdown today in the middle of work, and it was all I could do not to leave and CTB as soon as I got home. Not the first time, and I'm almost used to it. But this time, there was a twist, as if my subconscious has found a way around my survival defenses. Usually, my work has been overwhelmingly busy, and I used that to keep my mind off of things. But my current job is very slow, leaving a lot of downtime to just...think. I usually deal with intrusive thoughts about past trauma and abuse, but I've learned to deal with those. So, today, when I was having a flashback about a particular incident from the past, it switched to memories about hurtful things that I personally did as a child, almost 40 years ago, with a voice telling me that I'm a horrible person, just as bad as the abusive adults around me. It didn't matter that I was a child, that I felt guilt, that I tried to make up for it; the voice insisted that I didn't deserve to live. (It was like what my abusive mom used to say when I tried to apologize for things: "You're not really sorry, you're just sorry that you got caught.") It's like, since I finished my projects, and now have nothing to distract me, and because I haven't CTB yet, either over what was done to me, or because my current health and external issues aren't drastic enough at the moment to push me over the edge, my subconscious is turning on me, dredging up my own faults from the past to give me that final push. Any defense I had, such as being a child at the time, that I did no lasting harm, and it was more out of frustration and anger vs. intentional, was dismissed by the voice as rationalizations and excuses. I almost felt like it was the devil himself prosecuting me, with no mercy, sentencing me to hell...and I'm an atheist.
But I know it's really my subconscious. I've been an emotional yo-yo for the past two months, highs and lows, happy and hopeless often in the same day. But I don't feel like I have enough reason; it's not the worst-case scenario at the moment, and nothing is forcing my hand to do it at this time. But I have no reason to stay, either. The constant physical pain, mind-numbing job, and crushing loneliness are like death by a thousand cuts, slow bleeding. But having to do it myself, as opposed to getting a fatal illness or having an accident, well, you know how that goes. Still, I can't keep on like this. I've already started to get my affairs in order, to do it right, but that's slow, too. That, or I'm just procrastinating. And my subconscious is seeing through my conscious attempts at optimism, which it knows are based on false hope. So it's cutting through the bull, and if external factors aren't enough at the moment to get me on the bus, it's looking at past mistakes to create an internal prosecutor to get me to catch the bus, even if it means throwing myself under said bus.
I'm just so tired. Tired of being strong, tired of pushing on. I keep seeing a quote from Churchill, "if you're going through hell, keep going." But I don't want to, anymore. I've fought long enough. Still, I need to hold on for just a little longer . Can't I at least do that without self-sabotaging my efforts?
But I know it's really my subconscious. I've been an emotional yo-yo for the past two months, highs and lows, happy and hopeless often in the same day. But I don't feel like I have enough reason; it's not the worst-case scenario at the moment, and nothing is forcing my hand to do it at this time. But I have no reason to stay, either. The constant physical pain, mind-numbing job, and crushing loneliness are like death by a thousand cuts, slow bleeding. But having to do it myself, as opposed to getting a fatal illness or having an accident, well, you know how that goes. Still, I can't keep on like this. I've already started to get my affairs in order, to do it right, but that's slow, too. That, or I'm just procrastinating. And my subconscious is seeing through my conscious attempts at optimism, which it knows are based on false hope. So it's cutting through the bull, and if external factors aren't enough at the moment to get me on the bus, it's looking at past mistakes to create an internal prosecutor to get me to catch the bus, even if it means throwing myself under said bus.
I'm just so tired. Tired of being strong, tired of pushing on. I keep seeing a quote from Churchill, "if you're going through hell, keep going." But I don't want to, anymore. I've fought long enough. Still, I need to hold on for just a little longer . Can't I at least do that without self-sabotaging my efforts?
Last edited:
