Mind made up?

[Stillnotsure]

Ive been debating writing this post, mostly because it is for the choice of life. Like same of you I found SS on a night I was desperate to die. For the first vfew days I researched methods to ctb that I hadn't considered. Weighing my options, trying to find a way that seemed doable. I was in that numb stage you experience after an episode of draining raw emotion. After a week I entered into that familiar limbo of not actively attempting to ctb, but not really wanting to live either. As time distanced me from the acute event I needed to push me into ctb, I am now in the state where I'm not obsessing about it, and while not necessarily happy, I'm just okay.

I've been watching testimonials on YouTube of people who have felt suicidal their entire lives like me. They are now old, and say the feeling never left them. They carried the weight of it throughout life. It was always tinting situations they experienced. Most sounded like me, situationally and acutely suicidal, while depression and yearning to just not wake up lingered in the background. Meaning, everything starts to go wrong in life, making everything seem impossible and out of reach. It scares me to no end, the thought of feeling this way for another 60 years.

The mind, as we know, is a very very powerful thing. People can make up their mind to lose astronomical amounts of weight, effectively changing a lifetime of bad habits to rock solid determination to do it right for the rest of their lives. I've seen and heard of people deciding they were not going to die when given a death sentence like cancer or heart failure. With stoic determination they put their nose to the grindstone, research every possible bit of information that can help them, are willing to do anything. Too, I've seen the raw instinct to survive horrific accidents, acts of violence, impossible situations.

My point is; I'm toying with the idea to make up my mind. Choose. Choose to live, or to die. If I choose to die I will give it my best effort and know I will succeed this time. But, if I choose to live, I need to give it my all, give it the best chance to succeed. I'm tired of living in this purgatory where I pray I just don't wake up in the morning. We all know it isn't that easy. I don't want to end up like the people whose stories I cried over on YouTube that could never escape the shadow. No, I need to make up my mind... die, or live, really live. Move on from my past hurts, reinvent myself. Hey, from the bottom, you can rebuild yourself into anything you want right?

Pretty soon, I will make up my mind....

 

[TiredHorse]

I have often heard it said that one is never cured of alcoholism; it is a constant presence in their life that they learn to manage and choose to control. I often wonder if suicidality is the same way.

If you choose to die, I am certain you will accomplish it --but quite selfishly I hope you are able to choose to live. I have enjoyed your presence here on ssf enormously and would like to imagine your presence contributing in other arenas for a long time to come.

This is one of the finest posts I have yet read here on ssf.

 

[Taylor]

For me, it's as simple as just facing and accepting reality. Don't get me wrong, I've thoroughly assessed every possible avenue and outcome in order to restore my life back to "normal" again, which is responsible for shedding light on that reality in the first place.

It would literally take a neuroscientist to be able to erase the memory of the debilitating social issues/fears my mind has developed, which I never had before, in order to feel like "myself" again, which has plagued my ability to even function in life, let alone be successful. Something like that won't be available for decades they say, and that knowledge alone has me craving for escape.

On top of that, I'm currently suffering in pain from injuries to just about every joint of mine, my spine being the worst. I've considered going to school for neuroscience myself, to accomplish the goal mentioned above myself, but let's be honest. Completing 10 years of arguably the hardest schooling there is, while somehow repairing my entire body and suffering through the recovery of all of those surgeries simultaneously, is highly unrealistic.

Age is definitely not on my side in this battle, as it only gets worse, and harder with each day that goes by, and I'm just coming to terms with that. I never wanted to get old anyway, and would much rather just go now and save myself all of that misery. I almost feel like my quality of life deteriorating so rapidly by these sudden circumstances that have entered my life, could possibly just be the universe telling me it's time to go now. Whatever the case may be, I've accepted it, and I'm ready now.

 

[Alastor]

@Stillnotsure
This post is amazing. Really, the choice between to live or to die is a struggle I go through every day.
I want to live but I can't find the motivation to. I want to die, I got butanediol, SN, SA and a proper rope so I could ctb any second. But somehow I can't because the thought of being able to overcome this stays persistent.
It is a vicious circle. Wanting to fight your mind, to force it to be happy to actually want to find pleasure in living vs having no energy left for anything...at all
I honestly wish that you can rebuild yourself and live.
As for me I don't think that I can fight much longer ...

 

[NotWorthLiving]

Amazing post @Stillnotsure

We support whichever decision you make and are here to talk more if you need. And keep in mind that you can take as long as you want to make this decision.

 

[Stillnotsure]

Thanks everyone. I suppose in the end it's a decision each of us will make.

 

[NotWorthLiving]

Yeah. If you would like to talk a bit more or if you need a friends though, I'm sure most of us would be willing.

 

[JJ-NOHOPE]

I think about this all the time.

"Better get busy living, or get busy dying." - Shawshank Redemption

Still waiting for my N from A.
But I have enough amitriptyline to ctb anytime.

Still haven't done it.

Do I have some sort of forlorn hope that I could ever have any sort of happiness?

Something I wrote recently:
It seems that the pain of this world has covered the earth like a black cloud. It enfolds the earth and won't dissipate until all the sex offenders and suicide wannabes have been released from their torment.


Release myself from my torment, or sentence myself to more torment trying to live a normal life?
That is the question....

 

[TAW122]

Really thoughtful post. Yes, the mind is a very powerful tool and it does do things that we may have seen to be impossible hence the blasted SI is such a hinderence for people who want to ctb. For the people who are wanting to live, the mind itself does push one to unimaginable capabilities and newfounded drive.

In regards of making up my mind, I could say with 100% that I have effectively made up my mind. There is nothing left in this world for me to look forward to, I'm just living aimlessly and blandly through life, weaving through the motions of life until I cannot bear the weight anymore, which then I would ctb. I never want to live until I'm old and dying in a hospital bed or in hospice care. Furthermore, I have suffered enough throughout life to know that the things I want to attain are unattainable and it is highly unrealistic that I would find good solutions (if it even exists) for my on-going problems. It's easier to just kick the bucket and catch the bus to free of suffering.

Furthermore, the people around me IRL often spew platitudes, are so deluded that even they won't understand nor accept my reality. I'm well beyond the point of trying to reason with them, my time and energy is better spent on making the most of my (limited) time left in my life before I finally go through with suicide.

Anyways, I hope you are able to make up your mind one day. One of the worst things is to be stuck in a state of ambivalence. It is torturous and dreadful to be wrestling between whether wanting to live or die and then not being able to make the decision but being worn down emotionally, physically, and mentally on it.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Perfect post. We can live with suicidal thoughts, it is possible. We dont have to isolate ourselves, be actively trying to CTB all the time. Ive chosen to return to work and infact go for the promotion i missed in september but that does not mean the thoughts are gone, it doesnt mean i dont belong here now, it does not mean i need locking up or medicating. Im giving myself a real chance, if it doesnt work out so be it but i wont know untill ive tried.

During my time on the psych ward i met a therapist that truely understood as he himself had been through mental health. He set up a network for people who hear voices. Its a way of helping people live with their voices and still function. So why cant we live with or suicidal thoughts? Mine are not as destructive as they once were, i still have them everyday, im learning to be comfortable with them, seek support if i need to but all in all im functioning as normal daily. Maybe the thoughts will go fully but im not going to beat myself up about it everyday to the point i cant function.

So my mind is made up, i will continue to live and i will use this site as it actually helps me. Im not ashamed i have SN in the cupboard, i know it needs to be there right now.

 

[Jodes]

But, if I choose to live, I need to give it my all,

Brilliant post! It hadn't occurred to me that this is an approach to take. (Sorry, going a bit off topic...) After a breakdown everyone says take it easy, take it easy, you can do the difficult stuff later. It's a terribly depressing outlook!! But the way you phrased it appeals to me because I've always been "all or nothing". It's probably why I've had so many breakdowns but maybe it's the only way out of a hole for certain types of people

 

[Stillnotsure]

Brilliant post! It hadn't occurred to me that this is an approach to take. (Sorry, going a bit off topic...) After a breakdown everyone says take it easy, take it easy, you can do the difficult stuff later. It's a terribly depressing outlook!! But the way you phrased it appeals to me because I've always been "all or nothing". It's probably why I've had so many breakdowns but maybe it's the only way out of a hole for certain types of people

Very well stated. I think you are right.