Help Might start my 2nd bottle of wine and try SN, or might go to the hospital.. or maybe I'll just go to sleep

[Unsure_about_living]

Have had the SN ready for a couple months, but been unsure if, or when, I'll do it. But things have got worse post-christmas. Not sure I can face work this week, or maybe I'll just choose not to face it.

One bottle of wine down, tempted to have a second bottle because a) it might give me the courage to take the SN (yes I'm aware the alcohol would make it more likely to vomit), b) it might make me more likely to tell people I need help (I have already told people, a lot, but maybe more dramatically), c) (as per usual) it'll numb the pain.

My main fear in taking the SN is that I will get SI and back out by contacting someone. So maybe that means I want to live deep down? I'm also considering just taking myself to A&E (Emergency department if you're not from the UK), because a very lovely psych nurse previously told me to do that if I was feeling dangerous, but I feel like I'm being a burden on resources during a pandemic and I also worry that saying "I'm suicidal" is both attention seeking and means you probably don't *actually* want to die.

So in summary.... I have no idea. But I feel on the edge of something

 

[pls.deleteallmypost]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I wish you find peace... Millions of hugs <3

 

[waitingforrest]

I will say that if you want to head to the er, then go ahead. I felt weird sitting next to covid patients though. I don't recommend ctb until you are absolutely sure because backing out and failing often makes people feel worse and might put them under more watch. Overcoming SI is a hard process. You can always ctb later when you are sure. Don't feel bad for "using up resources". Though it didn't help in my case, the hospital can help some people. Sorry if I misunderstood, just woke up.

 

[Somber]

I wouldn't do it in the spur of the moment. If you want to go ahead with it, set yourself a date and a place. Being somewhat drunk is fine, I guess, but if you aren't vomit proof, maybe best wait.

As for the ER, you might have better experiences with it, but last time I went, they told me to be less anxious (I went in with an anxiety attack).

 

[miserableforever]

Have had the SN ready for a couple months, but been unsure if, or when, I'll do it. But things have got worse post-christmas. Not sure I can face work this week, or maybe I'll just choose not to face it.

One bottle of wine down, tempted to have a second bottle because a) it might give me the courage to take the SN (yes I'm aware the alcohol would make it more likely to vomit), b) it might make me more likely to tell people I need help (I have already told people, a lot, but maybe more dramatically), c) (as per usual) it'll numb the pain.

My main fear in taking the SN is that I will get SI and back out by contacting someone. So maybe that means I want to live deep down? I'm also considering just taking myself to A&E (Emergency department if you're not from the UK), because a very lovely psych nurse previously told me to do that if I was feeling dangerous, but I feel like I'm being a burden on resources during a pandemic and I also worry that saying "I'm suicidal" is both attention seeking and means you probably don't *actually* want to die.

So in summary.... I have no idea. But I feel on the edge of something

The dreaded SI is huge for me. And for you too, it seems.
Most nurses even don't know what they're talking about when they call you 'attention seeking'
Don't forget, they're healthcare workers with a degree that taught them how to admit patients for physical issues.
I've always assumed that SI means we're not ready to go. I could be wrong.
No need to rush CTB, death isn't going anywhere.
I don't have insurance, otherwise I'd at least give all options a try.
Hope you're ok.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I'm sorry you're in pain. I hope, whatever you do today, that you can find peace.

 

[guy 1]

all i know, dying isn't so easy...try this
try that. i'm also going..., but i like it in the meantime.

 

[Unsure_about_living]

The dreaded SI is huge for me. And for you too, it seems.
Most nurses even don't know what they're talking about when they call you 'attention seeking'
Don't forget, they're healthcare workers with a degree that taught them how to admit patients for physical issues.
I've always assumed that SI means we're not ready to go. I could be wrong.
No need to rush CTB, death isn't going anywhere.
I don't have insurance, otherwise I'd at least give all options a try.
Hope you're ok.

Thankfully (in some ways) you don't need insurance for healthcare in the UK. The downside of that is I feel all the worse for using up other peoples' taxes to pay for my mental health (even though I pay them myself!)

 

[guy 1]

try that. i'm also going..., but i like it in the meantime.

 

[Depressed Cat]

It seems that you're unsure now. If you're not absolutely sure that you want to CTB now, don't do it.

Since you have the means of CTB, you can do it later when you're sure you want to go.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best. I hope you find peace.

 

[Unsure_about_living]

It seems that you're unsure now. If you're not absolutely sure that you want to CTB now, don't do it.

Since you have the means of CTB, you can do it later when you're sure you want to go.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best. I hope you find peace.

Thank you.

I think my worry with keeping the means is that I will give in and tell someone (in an "okay" moment) and then be left with no means. I've been so close to telling someone I love so so many times. But if I do that, I know I'll panic and spiral very soon after, but be left with no "out"

 

[Somber]

Thank you.

I think my worry with keeping the means is that I will give in and tell someone (in an "okay" moment) and then be left with no means. I've been so close to telling someone I love so so many times. But if I do that, I know I'll panic and spiral very soon after, but be left with no "out"

I know what you mean. That's a very difficult decision to make. I know anyone I could tell would not be taking it well, but you know your person better. What would you want them to do when you tell them?

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it is a dreadful feeling when things just get worse, and I know that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. This life can be very tiring. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best, whatever happens.

 

[Unsure_about_living]

I know what you mean. That's a very difficult decision to make. I know anyone I could tell would not be taking it well, but you know your person better. What would you want them to do when you tell them?

That's the million dollar question that I've discussed in my head a million times. I guess I'd want them to take away my method and also provide a method (even if it was hard and took a while) to take away the mental struggle. But it's too scary that they'd only be able to do the first bit

 

[guy 1]

The dreaded SI is huge for me. And for you too, it seems.
Most nurses even don't know what they're talking about when they call you 'attention seeking'
Don't forget, they're healthcare workers with a degree that taught them how to admit patients for physical issues.
I've always assumed that SI means we're not ready to go. I could be wrong.
No need to rush CTB, death isn't going anywhere.
I don't have insurance, otherwise I'd at least give all options a try.
Hope you're ok.

not seeking any attention. none whatsoever. i'm deliberating coldly my death. on a purely philosophical grounds. like, i've no reason to want to kill myself..., just because i find life meaningless. purely philosophical.

 

[Somber]

That's the million dollar question that I've discussed in my head a million times. I guess I'd want them to take away my method and also provide a method (even if it was hard and took a while) to take away the mental struggle. But it's too scary that they'd only be able to do the first bit

It's unlikely they'll provide you with another method to CBT unless you are suffering from an incurable physical disease (then maybe), but if there is a solution other than suicide, they might help you find it.

I guess it would depend on how realistic your hopes are for that other solution combined with how easy/difficult it would be to again buy your means to exit.

 

[milly]

No need to rush CTB, death isn't going anywhere.

 

[fox_wannabe]

Maybe go to sleep. No need to stress about other people when you feel suicidal. Maybe go to sleep for now, you ,might feel better tomorrow

 

[Unsure_about_living]

Well, sat in A&E now... So let's see how this goes. Expectations are extremely low

 

[Disco Biscuit]

How did it go? Hope you're doing ok.

 

[t-rex]

I hope it goes well for you and that you are pleased with your decision to go in. It seems like you made the right decision, given that you had the means available but were waffling on whether or not to ctb. I get the low expectations, but maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised. I was when I went to the hospital in June—reasonably positive experience, despite the doctor being an asshole.

I'm also waffling on whether or not to go in to the hospital this week. It seems inevitable, but like you I don't want to jump the gun and waste the time of healthcare workers.

Sending hugs your way.

 

[eternalpeace]

I can totally relate to this. Sure, there is the theory that if you were REALLY suicidal, you wouldn't tell anyone, but I don't believe that. First off, it flies in the face of the very suicide prevention efforts made by most public health authorities (hot lines, encouraging people to go to the ER, etc). Why bother encouraging people to "reach out" if you believe that the only people who deserve help are the people who won't ever seek help? Sure, there might be individual people who think this way, but public health authorities, at least in the Western world, do not subscribe to this theory. Second, I have read that most suicidal people do have some doubts about it, and a fair amount of them DO talk about it beforehand (either to a mental health team or otherwise)

As for "wasting resources", I am also in a country with public healthcare, and I have felt this way too. But at the end of the day, mental health is as important as physical health. If you broke your leg, you wouldn't hesitate to go the ER. And like you've said, you've paid your share in taxes. You aren't hoarding resources meant for someone sicker—you are using the resources that your tax dollars ensure are there for you.

I think going to the hospital is a good idea, given where you are. I have had multiple experiences with hospitalization for suicidality. Sometimes it was really helpful, other times not as helpful. But it's at least worth a try, in my opinion.

I wish you the best.

 

[I should go]

You seem like a nice and caring person
I wish you peace of mind, whatever you decide.*hugs*

 

[Somber]

Hope you are doing okay.