Duochrome-Seahorse
I hope I start rotting in my sleep
- Feb 23, 2023
- 60
I've been wanting to CTB for many years, but this year feels like this might be it. If not this year the next if MAID doesn't get delayed another year. So far I have 2 methods I can do that's easily accessible: buying SN or getting beheaded by a train. The plan WAS going to be March until MAID got delayed. The delay has taken a toll on me because I was keeping to date with everything and now I have to wait longer for the preferred suicide I want? It pisses me off just thinking about it.
So far the only thing keeping me alive is reading comic books and my inventory of sketchbooks that aren't done. So many things haven't been done yet but I just don't really want to do them like I wanted to when I was younger. I miss being younger not because it was good back then, but because I actually loved drawing everyday. I still get an idea every once in a while but I don't have the time to anymore. I hate being an adult. I refuse to live past 30. The thought of feeling myself rot while the next generation replaces me brings me to extreme dread. Being born didn't matter, time needs to move on.
I'm kinda anxious to buy SN because I live with family and they read thru my mail sometimes and they're going to argue with me about it. I just need to beat them to the catch. That and I'm too paranoid to give people online my priv info. Yeah I wanna throw my life away but I'm stubborn as shit and I will be until the day I die. I like a good fight, makes my death feel like it has a bit of meaning.
Getting hit by a train, jeez. Just the thought of my head being smushed by tones of train cars makes my throat feel weird. just looking at the wheels I think about my head being there, and I can't help and think "oh my god, its going to be so embarrassing if someone sees that. I'm going to look like a loser." I know, I care about how I look until the day I die. I hate the train method because I need to know when my body is going to be recovered so I don't traumatize too much people. I'm going to feel so bad for the conductors. They don't deserve this, but I refuse to wait any longer for life to "get better."
I tried everything in the book, I went to therapy, took in new hobbies, talked to new people, they all suck. I don't wish the best for anything or anyone who's made my life worse in fact I hope they suffer, and me saying that does nothing and will do nothing because no one takes me seriously anyway. I hope the whole world burns and everyone who made me like this die horribly <3.
Man I love trains, I like and love a lot of things, I love my bike, keeps me alive. I love my room, its how I always wanted it, I love love loveee my cat and I like my siblings. i don't think I love them but most of them don't make me want to die, not anymore. I don't care much for my parents but I appreciate them when they remember I exist in a positive way. Probably the only good things I'm ever gonna get from them after they fucked me up when I was young. I started to lose guilt in not loving my family and i don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
But yeah, I think I'm going to be venting on here a lot. everytime the hotline doesn't answer or burdening the last of the friends I have left, I will come on here and cry to the void, because it's only ok if I was silent about it and being this silent about it makes my family think I'm getting better when I'm in fact getting worse! But if I told them the truth they will punish me for it!!!!! and then I'll be put into the hospital again which is oh so fucking cool!!!!!!(sarcasm) I cannot wait to face my fears of death and just chill with it, cuz the more I visit the train station, being dangerously close to the rails doesnt trigger my SI as much as it used to and it makes me happy.
ion know if I'll make acquaintances here, probably not I'm not the best person for talking cuz I do have a social threshold, but as long as u don't think I should die immediately from talking too much, I think I'll get the gist of the social climate here :0!!!! also I have BPD and ADHD lolzzz lol so expect impusle posting or talking cuz It will happen until the day I die :3
So far the only thing keeping me alive is reading comic books and my inventory of sketchbooks that aren't done. So many things haven't been done yet but I just don't really want to do them like I wanted to when I was younger. I miss being younger not because it was good back then, but because I actually loved drawing everyday. I still get an idea every once in a while but I don't have the time to anymore. I hate being an adult. I refuse to live past 30. The thought of feeling myself rot while the next generation replaces me brings me to extreme dread. Being born didn't matter, time needs to move on.
I'm kinda anxious to buy SN because I live with family and they read thru my mail sometimes and they're going to argue with me about it. I just need to beat them to the catch. That and I'm too paranoid to give people online my priv info. Yeah I wanna throw my life away but I'm stubborn as shit and I will be until the day I die. I like a good fight, makes my death feel like it has a bit of meaning.
Getting hit by a train, jeez. Just the thought of my head being smushed by tones of train cars makes my throat feel weird. just looking at the wheels I think about my head being there, and I can't help and think "oh my god, its going to be so embarrassing if someone sees that. I'm going to look like a loser." I know, I care about how I look until the day I die. I hate the train method because I need to know when my body is going to be recovered so I don't traumatize too much people. I'm going to feel so bad for the conductors. They don't deserve this, but I refuse to wait any longer for life to "get better."
I tried everything in the book, I went to therapy, took in new hobbies, talked to new people, they all suck. I don't wish the best for anything or anyone who's made my life worse in fact I hope they suffer, and me saying that does nothing and will do nothing because no one takes me seriously anyway. I hope the whole world burns and everyone who made me like this die horribly <3.
Man I love trains, I like and love a lot of things, I love my bike, keeps me alive. I love my room, its how I always wanted it, I love love loveee my cat and I like my siblings. i don't think I love them but most of them don't make me want to die, not anymore. I don't care much for my parents but I appreciate them when they remember I exist in a positive way. Probably the only good things I'm ever gonna get from them after they fucked me up when I was young. I started to lose guilt in not loving my family and i don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
But yeah, I think I'm going to be venting on here a lot. everytime the hotline doesn't answer or burdening the last of the friends I have left, I will come on here and cry to the void, because it's only ok if I was silent about it and being this silent about it makes my family think I'm getting better when I'm in fact getting worse! But if I told them the truth they will punish me for it!!!!! and then I'll be put into the hospital again which is oh so fucking cool!!!!!!(sarcasm) I cannot wait to face my fears of death and just chill with it, cuz the more I visit the train station, being dangerously close to the rails doesnt trigger my SI as much as it used to and it makes me happy.
ion know if I'll make acquaintances here, probably not I'm not the best person for talking cuz I do have a social threshold, but as long as u don't think I should die immediately from talking too much, I think I'll get the gist of the social climate here :0!!!! also I have BPD and ADHD lolzzz lol so expect impusle posting or talking cuz It will happen until the day I die :3
